AS TOLD TO DAILY-MATH.COM:Forgot About Dre?

I'm a pretty optimistic dude, in most situations.


I keep the faith, with my fingers crossed, the whole nine yards. But, there are two things I've given up on for the new year. The first is any naked pictures of Mariah Carey surfacing on the 'Net. No disrespect, Nick. All these D-list celebrities have candid shots, showing their nipple rings, clitoral piercings and what not, so am I a fool for thinking she should have some out there as well? Mariah's far from D-list, been in the business long enough, and has had more than enough emotional outbursts to have had a moment of weakness or three. Who wouldn't want to see that? But I digress. The second thing is Dr. Dre's 'Detox' album. I have 4 reasons why, in case you want to know...


1) Dre's a perfectionist...
We all know there's no such thing as perfection, but it's overly apparent that Dre doesn't agree. By that ethos, he'll never be able to live up to his own expectations. If you've ever watched a child race his own shadow, or a rotweiler chase his own tail, then you have an idea of what I'm saying. People who accept nothing less than exceptional are never satisfied. Especially when it comes to themselves. For years now, Andre Young's been promising this elite, exquisite album. Anxiously, we cling to his catalog of yesteryear hits, hoping to foresee what we are patiently waiting for. No Dice. The problem with being so critical is that, no one else is holed up like some reclusive madman, perfecting a sound that will only be re-invented as soon as it gets leaked to the 'Nets, which is bound to happen. So, for every song that he remixes and remasters to fabled perfection, 15 duck sauce rappers and their chow mein producers are flooding cyberspace with warm feces. More music to distract us, and further help us forget that 'Detox' is even in the works. According to the Hip Hop grade curve, Lil Boosie has a better chance at hypnotizing me than Dre does of mesmerizing me at this point. Of course, it's quality over quantity, but damn, if said quantity is 2-3 songs bi-yearly, if even that, then anything more than 2 songs in a year's span wins by default. Unless of course, he lives up to the hype, and delivers the most magnificent audio experience ever. Keep in mind, when Quincy Jones recorded 'Thriller' with Michael Jackson, he didn't believe in it. He chased perfection until he gave in and settled. Years later, it's the biggest selling album ever. So Dre, there's hope. Don't be so hard on yourself. At least give us a chance to criticize.


2)Dre's kinda a douche...
There's a reason why every time Dr. Dre's in the limelight again, he's usually surrounded by a different group of people than the last time we saw him. It's the same reason that 50 Cent always has the exact same two dudes with him all the time (they forget the other people). If you're familiar with Dre's industry presence, you could run down a laundry list of Dre-affiliated cats that have come and gone quicker than the Swine Flu scare. Aside from that, let us take a look at some of his other moments of douchebaggery:


-He beat up Dee Barnes, female rapper/host of the video show 'Pump It Up' in 1991, for interviewing Ice Cube after the N.W.A. split.


-He aligns himself with acts that are/were arguably more relevant than he is, then wishes them to the cornfields (Eve, Busta Rhymes, Rakim, Raekwon, Joell Ortiz, Glasses Malone, Game, Bishop Lamont, etc.) for seemingly no reason whatsoever.


-He signs new artists, squeezes out a little creative juice for his own purposes, [||]?, then sits them on a shelf, until they go bad or find a better situation. He's almost like Suge Knight, without the cigars, violence or bankruptcy.


-He hasn't even so much as dropped a single. Not even a teaser. Even Big Boi, of Outkast, dropped a single last year, and I don't know anyone who's pining for his next solo outing. In his defense, he did release some designers headphones, though.


A man's only as good as his last accomplishment. Word on the street is that he's losing his touch. I mean sure, Game runs rampant on Twitter espousing about how great 'Detox' will be, but I have a bi-polar cousin. And sometimes my cousin and Game act very similar. Just saying. I wonder what ever happened to the N.W.A. reunion?


3)People don't buy CD's anymore...
Dre's claim(s) to fame has always been his record sales. He's not a rapper (although White folks think he is), so he can't boast about his rhymes, but he can sure as hell brag about the benefits of attaching himself to a rapper's project, especially one who doesn't move a tremendous amount of units until he comes along (see: Xzibit). Undoubtedly, Dre has sold millions upon millions of records worldwide throughout his career, but the industry has changed dramatically over the last 5 years. If you're not T.I., Lil Wayne, Eminem or Kanye West, fans aren't flocking to drop hard hustled recession dollars on your release like they were in Dre's hey day. Today's average rap fan has, more or less, no clue Dre used to be a musical monolith, and would have virtually no idea at all who he was if Marshall and Curtis hadn't been his live action commercials for the last decade. The Old Man Rap market is still in it's early stages, and at this point in his career, he's almost starting over again, so to speak. And before y'all start bringing up Eminem's phenomenal success, trust and believe that every album Em sold was on the strength of Em's lyrical ability. At the very least, Dre gave him that push into popular music status that solidified his achievements. Still, Eminem could've rapped over gorillas grunts and wet farts, and would've most likely had the same productivity.


4)He can never top 'The Chronic', and he knows it...
It doesn't matter what he's doing in the studio right now. The Chronic was, is, and always will be a Hip Hop classic. Classic, in the truest sense of the word. Unless he has a song featuring Satan and Jesus Christ going back and forth over a 'Funky Worm' interpolation, like EPMD, he can never achieve that same level of unexpected brilliance. My guess is that he sits in the studio, alone, and listens to that album, to conceive new ideas from old material. Kinda like a boxer watching footage of his best fight ever. The closest we've gotten to a peek at 'Detox' was that damn Dr. Pepper commercial last year. I don't even like Dr. Pepper, or know a person who does. It tastes like peppermint Kool-Aid, if such a thing were to exist. That said, who gives a damn about the commercial, and who even knew that that was his beat is playing in the background? I did, but then again, my life's not all that exciting, so that only holds so much weight. It's the gift of the curse, or the curse of the gift, depending on your perception. 'The Chronic' single-handedly changed the face of rap, west coast or otherwise, without any gimmicks and no smoke and mirrors. To repeat that feat in today's overwhelming rap industry would seem to be virtually impossible. Even for a living legend. That's not to say that he's not talented, but in this era of live streams, zip drives and downloads, there's literally new music on a daily basis. That's quite a bit of competition. Some people thrive on that type of pressure. Multiply that with the expectations that have been festering for years, and you have enough pressure to burst a pipe. People refer to him as the "Quincy Jones of Rap", but I just say Dre's Dre. No need for extra stigma's for him to live up to. That may be part of the reason we're still waiting on the album. Dre's on of the best producers of our lifetime, no question, but he might have to come to grips with the fact that he may peaked, climaxed and plateau'd all in one phenomenal album-'The Chronic.' That usually doesn't happen repeatedly. Not in Hip Hop, at least. Boy, would I love to be proven wrong.


Maybe, he's trapped in some time warp, like the movie 'Groundhog Day.' He wakes up, complicates his insanity by smoking some superweed, hits the studio, twists some knobs and presses some buttons, calls some niggas to come record, spends the day mixing down vocals and music, goes back home, burns more superweed, passes out drunk and high, wakes up the next day and does it all over again-and nobody has the heart to tell him. There's a pretty good chance Andre's been working on the same song for ten years.


For the record, I'm rooting for Dre, if only because he's been counted out for quite some time, and I love an underdog. [||]. It would be nice to see him jump fresh out of nowhere, but let's be honest with ourselves and each other here. His best bet at this point, is to go with whatever he's been working on for the past decade, and let the chips fall where they may. Surely, some co-producers will blow the whistle and want their credit on the project, and if the ever-fickle public isn't receptive to 'Detox', fuck it, he can just give them their credit, then place the blame them. That's what I would do.

Villain Wanted

Wanted: the proverbial bad guy-a "villain", to assume all the responsibilities of Hip Hop's requisite antagonist, and fill position of necessary cultural scapegoat. Must be arrogant, ignorant, smug, materialistic, slightly psychotic with glimmers of brilliance and remorse. Must have a violent and/or criminal background (preferably authentic) and suffer from one (1) or more mental illnesses-ideally some form of post traumatic stress disorder. Must be goal-oriented, and possess at least a basic concept of song writing ability and melody recognition. Ability to harmonize optional. Sexual preference will be privatized, unless otherwise suspected by bloggers, paparazzi, etc., in which case, you assume full responsibility of damage control. Apply at your own risk...


Now that 50's been counted out of the runnings, for the most part, Hip Hop is a need of a new nigga we love to hate. Or, hate to love, depending on your vantage point. A bad guy. Thanks to Rick Ross, Clipse, Raekwon, Killa Cam, Ghostface, and a handful of other hot spitters, 2009 saw the reemergence of Cocaine rap, with a vengeance. Well, if you count the brief 'Trap Rap' phenom, it never went anywhere, but I'm just saying. Even still, there's a galaxy's difference between a hustler and a gangster. Granted, the two can occupy the same space simultaneously, but ultimately you're one or the other. Where as hustler's talk slick and attempt to keep their noses clean-no pun intended, gangster's talk loud, and have dirty nails. Which brings us back to the role of the bad guy, a part 50 played so well that by the end of his stint with Interscope, he'd taken shots at both Dr. Dre and Jimmy Iovine. Gotta love it.


Who can we look to now, for extreme nigganometry and self righteous egotism, in between making the hoes dance and niggas wanna clap something? Who's voice is strong enough to fill the shoes? This is a necessary balance needed, lest we allow Drake and Kanye West to be in charge of the dispersement of aggression in rap music. No dice. So far the emo-rap community's street cred includes slapping Canadians, slapping paparazzi cameras, & getting slapped by abortion-having, scorned ex-girlfriends. Kid Cudi did get pulled over by the LAPD, but in his defense, cops in my city are so dumb they still haven't caught the dude(s) who killed Christopher Wallace. They sure as fuck caught O.J. pretty quick though, but I digress. Plus, the only person who can wear tight pants & be a bad motherfucker, simultaneously, is dead. Long live Rick James. Plenty of dudes on the rap radar have the ability to deliver grimy stories and gritty tales of street life, but that doesn't necessarily qualify them to be in charge of an entire sub-genre of a culture.


In the movie 'Matrix', how many of you can say that, not only were you rooting for Agent Smith, but you were extra hyped when he returned in the sequel, with upgrades? I knew that the future of the free world was dependent of Neo's victory, but in the interim, I needed to see him get his ass kicked by the bad guy. If it was just Neo flying around & having copious amounts of sex with that chick that looked like a little boy, that movie would've sucked. How important was Superman without Lex Luthor? Scores of bad guys could cross Clark's path, but Lex was the yang to his yin. Really though, cats had equal the amount of super abilities, sometimes even more so, & this little bald headed Jewish guy could eff up Superman's day faster than he could wax his dome piece. Now, rap needs a new yin, or something to that effect, to give us the overstanding of the underview, to balance all the emotional rollercoasters that we're bombarded with on a daily basis.


Without a bad guy, there's just "the good guy," & that's no fun at all.


Otherwise, rest assured, in no less than 5 years, Hip Hop will look like 'Revenge of the Nerds'-the musical. Will we be following Booger, or Ogre?

Farewell, 50...

I'm undeniably, unapologetically a 50 Cent fan. When I say "fan", I don't mean I like his latest album, or enjoy his Internet antics. I mean I listen to his music, almost daily. & not in the "I might pull up his joints on the i-Pod sometimes" sense, I mean all of my ring tones on the Blackberry are set to 50 songs, really though. In fact, when you leave your comment (stop lurking & holler at your boy!), 'Window Shopper' will blare from my hip to alert me. He may have been the most pivotal rapper of the decade. Hate me if you will, but I stand firm on my ground. Before you get your fingers ready to dig my proverbial comment section grave site, let me make myself clear.


Dude's lyrics, meh at best. His beat selection has gotten progressively more mediocre with each studio album's release, from 'The Massacre', to 'BISD'. He flosses to much. He literally rode the "street credibility" wagon until the wheels fell off, then watched them bounce off into the sunset. He treats most people like shit, in front of an audience. He doesn't do any of his music for the betterment of Hip Hop, or rap music in general, for that matter. For all intents and purposes, he's the biggest Douche in entertainment since Spencer Pratt was on that "I'm a celebrity!" game show with John Salley. Now that we got that out of the way, let me tell you why I think he's awesome.


50 cent, according to General Combat Jack, never set out to be a rapper. It was bigger than that, deeper than rap (no pun intended & [||]). He decided long ago that he wanted to take over the industry. That's forward thinking, beyond setting Billboard chart goals and plans on moving units through Soundscan. Which was probably why he attacked the streets with his mixtapes first & foremost, which guaranteed that his key demographic would have his shit meet them where it should; the streets. This man may possibly be the reason for record companies no longer really needing A&R's. Granted, the position still exists, but the glamour once attached is no more. The 'Net is the new A&R. Obviously Curtis Jackson wasn't the first dude to use this grass roots platform to boost his celebrity, but he worked it like a fat girl in hooker boots. Before cats were bumping 'Wanksta', cats were bumping 'Wanksta', if you smell my cologne.


No matter what battles have ensued throughout the years, Curtis Jackson gave new meaning to the word "beef". He made it a viable marketing tool. He turned it into a weapon. He made it a reason to tune in to the 'Nets. Hell, he might even be the driving force behind e-thuggery reaching meteoric heights in the last couple of years. No longer was it battles on wax, punch lines, & mild discrediting. Thanks to F-50, it became skeleton exposure, video footage, court papers, & character assassination that we haven't seen since the 1960's. Not that it was/is a good look for the culture, but let's give credit where it's due. I learned in 2nd grade; if you're going to be an asshole, you might as well go balls out. Like swimming trunks with no underwear. I'm one of those who say he didn't "end" Ja Rule's career, per se, but when was the last time Jeffrey Atkins made you dance? Just saying.


Curtis Jackson's last offering, 'Before I Self Destruct' was a very important album. Not lyrically, because in all honesty, his first and best album, 'Get Rich Or Die Tryin'', even contained meager rhymes with the occasional cool verse. We were willing to over look that short-coming due to his vivid story telling, brute honesty, and trunk-rattle factor, but if an acapella version of 'GRODT' had been given away to the public, I imagine the Frisbee industry would've faced a large decrease in stock value. Even still, 50 Cent changed the game. Where the west coast fizzled, after Suge Knight sabotaged an entire coastline of music, 50, from Queens, New York, did what many artists, regardless of region or race, could not do--revive gangsta rap. It was the veritable height of Hip Hop glamour and glitz when Curtis stepped out with 'How To Rob An Industry Nigga', and thus hardcore street music was back on the rise. Coast to coast, niggas tossed their shiny shirts and expensive eye wear to the side for thigh length white t-shirts, wave caps and eye-covering fitted hats. Grimey was back in style. This was before emo-rap brought emotion & semi-sensitivity back to the forefront, when heartless thug life reigned supreme. And damn, it felt good to be a gangsta.


Truth be told, Tupac had to die for all of this to take place, but that's a drop for another day.


As Kanye West began to gain momentum in the early 2000's though, the (Hip Hop) world began to see that it was okay to be a normal cat. It was nothing wrong with admitting one's faults and poking fun at one's self sometimes, instead of others constantly. Just like in high school, bullies only last for a certain amount of time, before people stop taking them seriously, & start treating them realistically. Being a hoodlum was all to the good, but being nerdy was becoming cool again. What was once Carhartt and Dickies was now Gucci and Louis V. & it's not that Kanye spearheaded the movement, but he became the poster boy for the alternative Hip Hop lifestyle, and folks were feeling it. So much so, that over-sized became the "new" too small. Loud colors became the "new" white tee. Man-bags became the, well, them shits were still man-bags, but that's neither here nor there.


Fast track to 2009's release of 'Before I Self Destruct', and one would be hard pressed not to notice the amount of weight that album shouldered. More than just 50's last obligatory album for Jimmy Iovine, it marked the measuring stick for his rap career, and more importantly, the green mile march of gangsta music as we came to know it.


Although selling a modest amount of records amidst a declining recording industry, 50's album was labeled a failure by many, and wack by most. At the same time, Kid Cudi, Kanye West, Drake, and Lupe Fiasco emerged victorious as the emo-rap wave washed ashore. With 50 Cent's next move in limbo, Hip Hop is now devoid of a true "bad guy", & metrosexual thugs are running this rap shit. Chances are he'll never reign atop the charts ever again, so who's the next knucklehead nigga we can love to hate, hate to love, and try to keep our kids from listening to?


Think about every movie conflict you've ever watched. In most instances, cats root for the bad guy, even if they know his demise is imminent. Hip Hop is no different. We NEED a successful, "I don't give a fuck about none of y'all"-type guy to hate on. That's the reason people drop hundreds of monies on Pit Bulls instead of majestic German Shepards. If that Pit Bull gets loose and eats someone's infant, we know he'll be euthanized, and we might get arrested, but until that day comes, we tote that motherfucking dog around like he's our best friend. American culture loves a bad guy. If not, we wouldn't have re-elected George W. Bush, & Hollywood wouldn't keep giving Samuel L. Jackson the same parts in different movies. &, when we can't find a bad guy, we make one up. Just ask Barack Obama.


50's presence in Hip Hop will surely be missed. If not for lyrics & antagonistic narcissism, then for the sheer magnitude of his asshole behavior, & the coconuts it took to be a moving target for so long. All hail the bad guy.

Farewell, 50...

Open Letter To Young Buck

::::In the blogosphere, it's our duties to spread love, & shine light, & provide commentary for all willing to partake. Simultaneously, if at all possible. My dude $ykotic Don McCaine, whom I build with heavy, like construction workers, had something to say. Why not say it here?::::::::


WTF Buck???


I’m pretty sure by now most of you have heard the 3 diss records aimed at 50 Cent by his previous weed carrier Young Buck. Although “Happy New Year”, “Steroidz”, and “Do It For Ya” will never reach the upper echelon of the Billboard charts, these songs have scathing lyrics aimed at 50 Cent, Tony Yayo, and Lloyd Banks. If anyone has followed the G-Unit collective lately you should know that they have heard these songs in their entirety.


So I ask, WTF Buck? Is it because you have a resentment that 50 decided to help Beanie Sigel with his situation with Jay-Z? We all know Fif likes to talk, and he clearly said during his viral campaign of promoting Before I Self Destruct that he would put your album out if it were a good album. From my perspective you just wasted 3 opportunities. The beats on these diss records are good enough to start a mixtape project to get back into the fold of things in the rap game. It’s the content that’s makes me wonder what the hell is really going on in Young Buck’s mind.


I mean wouldn’t it be easier to hop on to the bike, stay balanced, ride up to NY to 50’s office with a PowerPoint presentation? Show the man you are serious about wiping the slate clean? From the outside looking in my vision can see that all 50 wants is his tax investment. You could’ve even sweetened the deal by walking in the office with some of 50’s Power cologne on. I think you Buck, have a better advantage than Beans does of righting this wrong. To my knowledge Jay-Z doesn’t have an office in the city that everybody knows of. If all of these “B” rappers can go there and do interviews I’m pretty sure you can schedule a meeting.


And also, what is the next move Buck? Did you not forget that 50 Cent plays chess with drama? Okay I don’t expect much from Yayo, but Banks and 50? Are you thinking of rook and bishop moves Buck? Or are you stuck on pushing the pawns? Beans said he wants nothing but a conversation with Jay (and IMO, an apology for that cop calling incident in PA). 50 said he wants his money back.
What do you want Buck? A release from your G-Unit contract obligation? You’re not going to get it like this brougham. Recognition? I think more people are recognizing that you have no business savvy and minimal brain axioms to get your business in order.

Figure it out soon Buck. You know the reaction because of your actions is coming at any moment now. And oh yeah, don’t be surprised if Vanessa (XXL EIC) hollers at you for that line in “Steroidz”.

Good luck Buck.

Are You Guccified?

Gucci Mane is easily the most popular rapper right now. Ugh. Next to the dump truck loads of hate that T.I. is receiving for an early, early release, Gucci Gucci stays in people's mouths (no prison humor).


Not since Lil Wayne's proverbial apex roughly 2 years ago has there been such an even playing field of adoration & loathing. Really though, Gucci is one of only 2 rap acts on the Billboard top ten, as of today, or something like that. Don't quote me. Funny thing, I've only heard his music twice; on a family trip to Shreveport, Louisiana, where I don't necessarily expect them to know any better (no shots, but you should see some of their street lights), & at a DMV picnic, the perfect culmination of food, liquor & ignorance. Imagine the horror that surged my veins when I saw 8 year olds shaking their future thong holders to Gucci explaining the different ways he can beat up a vagina. My word, not his. Actually, there was one other time, but I didn't know it was Gooch until later. There was 3 extremely greasy young cats, smoking weed in their car, bouncing around & repeating "I'm the shit, bitch!" in time with the music. They couldn't have been older than 18, with their neon clad t-shirts & untamed multi-mullets. But, they looked like those 90 year old ladies who, when they get the Holy Ghost, James Brown up & down the church aisles. Silly, out-of-touch me, I had know idea what the big deal was, but my curiosity was piqued as they drove away in their Kia Sportage. Yeah, a Sportage, so they were probably gay too, in addition to being receptive to awesomely horrid "music". When I found out that was a Gucci Mane song, the puzzle pieces began to take shape. Those poor kids were being Guccified, right before my very eyes. Had I have known that then, I would've lunged into that little car, & attempted to rescue them from their fate. By now though, they've probably already gotten eyebrow & neck tattoos, & more neon shirts. Raekwon help us all.


I believe, in order to be a pop icon, there has to be an unlimited amount of ignorance within ink-covered arms distance. Remember how there was that one retarded kid at your school who EVERYBODY knew? Even the bullies, barely above him academically, had mad love for that critter. It's that same neanderthal appeal that draws massive amounts of clearly sane people into these pop culture phenomenons, subsequently lowering their standards & expectations to become part of the movement. Gucci Mane is as clearly a celebrity as he is a fool, so why would his celebration be any different? Answer: it's not.


Congratulations! You've been Guccified.


Nowadays, all the things that made a rapper an "MC" have been forsaken, lost, forgotten & replaced by the cloak of douchbaggery. Skills have taken a back seat to finance. When the argument is made that Gucci obviously lacks said skill set, the response in most cases is a warm-hearted, "Stop hatin', bitch! Gucci gettin' all dat paypah, fuck boy!". Or something to that effect. Talent is now overshadowed by appearance. Like a preacher; never mind how sincere his message may, or may not be, what truly matters how nice his suit & watch are, or in some cases, how fancy his robe is. Gucci is so high up on the "look at me" ladder that he doesn't even need to wear shirts. No clothing manufacturer's wares/wears can exemplify, or contain, such a tremendous amount of nigganometry. Seriously, Gucci is so hood that his magical tattoos probably incinerate shirts as soon as they touch his canvas-y flesh. Or maybe I'm over thinking it, & to him, it's not worth the hassle of pulling a $500 scmedium tee over your arms when they're covered with Wonder Woman bracelets & 2-3 divers watches.


[tony's note: gotta love that irony of divers watches on niggas that don't swim...]


For all Gucci Mane's mono-syllabic word play & modernized shuck & jive (complete with "chains & whips"), he seem cognizant enough to have embraced the concept of "hate". There are hordes, legions if you will, of anti-Gucci Maners, who spout nothing more than his hopeful demise. Publicity is publicity, whether good or abundantly bad. & on some level, he must understand that if one takes the time to say, or type "Fuck Gucci", then they have, in essence, taken the time to say, or type "Fuck Gucci". If he doesnt, then he wouldn't have so much zing in his voice when he scoffs at the haters who make him so, umm, popular. Dig, if X-amount of people continuously tell me how bad something is, at some point, if only out of sheer boredom, I'm going to try it at least once. Like the time I boned a really skinny girl just because I'd heard how unsatisfying an experience it would be.


[tony's other note: do not try that at home...]


My big homie Combat Jack had a drop on Daily-Math.com about how enamored he'd become with Gucci, against his will. Although I value his opinion as much as Dallas Penn's, I wasn't quite sold on giving G. Mane a voluntary listen until I got to the comments of the drop. "Wow", I thought aloud. 95% of the responses made this guy sound like the worst rapper ever. So naturally, I set aside any preconceived notions one would have about a nigga named "Gucci Mane", & gave him another shot. The music wasn't that bad. The music, meaning the instrumentation, production & mix-down of the song, mind you. The lyrics, however, made me feel like I forfeited my junior & senior years in high school. I found myself thinking twice before using any words with less than 3 syllables for the duration of that day. In his defense, though, I've never heard him say that he's the best rapper alive, or anything remotely close. I'm sure he'd confess to being extraordinarily mediocre, if his lexicon allowed either word. & I'm positive he couldn't care less about not having that accolade. Him receiving the newest cover of XXL doesn't help matters either, because there's undoubtedly a nation of under achieving up-&-coming rappers who'll follow his mold, without ever once attempting to be clever on the mic. & every time they see him count a stack of dough, or yank one of his slave chains in gaudy, tastless defiance, they'll lick their lips, knowing that the rap game ain't what it used to be.


Gucci Mane's success stems largely from his buffoonish behavior reaching comical levels. One would be hard pressed not to note that everytime he has an important album release date pending, he has an equally, if not more so, important court date looming as well. Coincidence? Possibly. Hilarious? Without a doubt. America's love affair for such stupidity is nothing new, but Hip Hop was an untapped resource for such idiocy about 15 years ago. Now, rappers provide just as much levity as Wee-man & Steve-O, back in their hey days, putting raw chickens in their adult diapers while wading a river chock with crocodiles. Imagine, as entertaining as "we" thought 50's online antics were over the last year or so, just imagine how funny it was to a room full of caucassian stuffed-shirts, who'd enjoy monkeys jumping around cages & throwing shit at each other just as much. If the monkey's hump trees, that's a bonus.


For what it's worth, God bless Gucci. I hope his success is long lasting. His kids should be straight, his bills should be paid, & just maybe he'll put all his profit to good use in his community. Yeah right. That nigga needs more jewelry & cars. He says so himself like, on every song. Even still, good luck & Godspeed Radrick, Dredrick, or whatever his momma named him.

Hip Hop for Vegetarians

I really hope this rumor about Jay-Z doing the 'Empire State of Mind' remix with NaS AND 50 Cent isn't true. Think of the possibilities...


Is this where it's headed? 2009 was the year of the emo-rapper, I get that. I kinda figured 2010 would find us with more emo-thugs, like Game. Imagine how I felt when my dude Don McCaine dropped this info on me last night. For the sake of conversation, I'm just going to consider it true, not to mention it's plastered on the interwebs. & we all know everything on the 'Net is factual.


After a less than excited Young Jeezy made amends with an incarcerated Gucci Mane, & "Freeway" Rick Ross wrangled a handful of unimportant Hip Hop "stars" for a peace summit (via telephone--do people still use those things?), I guess I should've expected so much. Well, maybe not something of this magnitude. NaS, I could see him squashing all unnecessary beefs, for the sake of making all the dough he can. Hell, he might want to start making some new friends while he's at it. Just saying. But if this is Jay's way of being the bigger man, I fear it will backfire in a most unattractive way. As much as I'm a fan of Curtis Jackson, I'm aware that he's not to be trusted further than he can be thrown. & Jay's never appeared terribly muscular to me. There are just certain things you can't do, when it comes to disagreements.


My nigga Federal Ranga (www.youtube.com/federalranga) addressed "beefs" on his vlog, & made some good points as to when not to bow down. This, for Jigga Man, is one of those times. Even if, as I read on the grossly misspelled pages of AllHipHop.com, this is for the unification of New York, 50's a bully. This move would be the equivalent of buying your ex-wife's boyfriend lunch, after you found out she was pregnant by him. You're already kind of removed from ground zero, but it still stings enough to where a handshake is about as far as the relationship can go. & as he sips his Ice Tea, & makes small talk about sports, all he's thinking is, "Ha ha, that's my uterus now, punk!". If Jay wants to prove to the fans that he's bigger [||], than have lunch with the nigga at one of the L.A. spots that the paparazzi seem to sleep outside of. But, to put him on a song with you? That's just too close for comfort, no Monroe.


To the outside world, that would just seem like a chump way to go out. Granted, 50 hasn't launched a furious attack on Jay (yet...), but he's made it clear that he takes him for a joke. I applaud Jay for not lowering himself to such standards, but he hasn't responded on wax at all. If you've been on that high road all this time, there's no reason to deviate. Really though, if Beyonce had've kicked Kelly Rowlands' ass the other day at court, we wouldn't even be having this conversation.


For the record, I don't believe it to be true, but I also laughed when cats told me that Jay was taking Oprah Windbag to the projects. Imagine my surprise when I saw footage of them sitting on some steps discussing why he smelled so good. It was probably a crack house nearby, & we all know Oprah used to-never mind.


This takes me back to my initial question...is this where it's headed? Is "friendly guy" the new "mad rapper"? I hope not. It's not that I like beef, but put it this way; would you watch football if all the players were buddies, & knew each other's moms' & shit? Hell nah, because than it would be like a flag football game. Same with Hip Hop. If everybody's "cool" with one another, then where's the competitive nature? "Friendly competition" is an actual phrase simply because there's nothing "friendly" about wanting to crush your opponent. & let us not forget Laws of Power #3, #14, & #21, because I'll bet my collection of porn that Curtis hasn't.


[tony's note: yeah, you need to get that book...]


This could set off quite the chain of events, & rest assured Game would be the first link. This collaboration would certainly be enough to set his ADD/Bi-polar disorder into over drive. Dude might kill himself in the vocal booth, while recording a song, just to let niggas know he serious he is about his beef. & Beans would most likely just stop rapping all together, & take it back to the block, literally & figuratively. Them dudes would need MORE security at that point, because I imagine Beanie would be at every show he could, waiting to rob them cats time after time. Like the industry's personal Deebo.


I'm sure we've all heard that LOX are releasing their next album on Bad Boy, after quelling their feud. & Puff & Jay have been hanging out with each other lately. & Puffy Combs is the devil. & Jay-Z worships the devil. If Jay is bringing 50 into this realm, do the math. If Beyonce starts singing Aaliyah songs, I'm getting the fuck out of dodge.


Stay tuned as this drama unfolds.

small things to a GIANT...

50 Cent's last album, 'Before I Self Destruct', isn't moving Fiddy's usual amount of units. Blame the downloads from the 'Net prelease(c), blame the egregious, self-centered behaviors exhibited by Curtis over the last 5 years, blame the decline of physical record sales for most artists, hell, blame the Hip Hopper's ear finally growing deaf to mediocre lyrics & less than stellar word play--just don't tell Gucci Mane that, because he won't believe you. But, I'll bet there's one thing that no man can possibly blame his current, lackluster status on.


Any. Other. Rapper.


In all seriousness, Curtis Jackson is a giant. Maybe not by Yao Ming implications, but definitely in his presence. People say his name like Candyman. Let it be the wrong nigga doing so, & the after effects would mimic those in the movie of the same name. There's no denying that 50 Cent is arguably the most popular rapper in the world, in the same weight class as Jay-Z, Eminem, & Snoop Dogg. Having such stature avails one's self to copious amounts of high self esteem, at borderline toxic levels. This is evident in his career-long taunting of lesser opponents, starting with Ja Rule who, coincidentally, hasn't been the same since. Those who chose to bite his bait, usually find themselves in a battle that's 20% rap records, 10% aggression, & 70% real-time humiliation. It's not so much that he defeats his enemies, per se, but their lives, played out for the public to nitpick & dissect, implode & cave around them. If there was some type of WBF-esque record, he'd be like 9W, 0L, 1T. That "tie" would go to Rick Ross, just because 50's flailing record sales coincide with their on-going rivalry. Indeed, 50 pulled all the punches in attempts to discredit Ross' existence, like any good bully should, but ultimately, Ross released the better music. & after all, this is the music industry, no?


Besides, something as small as record sales isn't going to stop Curtis from running his trap about how great he is. He's a "musical" monolith, word to the Washington Monument. The only man surly enough to knock him down to mortal standards isn't responding to his teasing. & rightly so, because as soon as Jay-Z utters the smallest non-subliminal word about 50, there's a more than slight chance that 50 would rip Shawn Carter's personal life to itty bitty pieces, then lay them out, one by one, for the (rap) world to see. I don't care how tough a rap dude believes himself to be, no cat (or kitten) wants all his backyard business sitting on front street. So who then, if anyone is in a position to strike a blow? David, thats who.


"David? Fuck is David, sun?"


I don't mean a nigga named David, unless it's sheer coincidence. I mean "David", as in 'David & Goliath'. A smaller, lesser known, everything to gain, nothing to lose-type guy, who can actually hold their own weight, lyrically, without a closet full of skeletons pining for release. The first name that comes to mind is Drake. Now, I'm the first one to tell you never trust a nigga without a mustache, but in his defense, this fella seems relatively harmless in the real world. What's the worse thing he could've done in his life? Aside from not concentrating on growing said mustache. Broken a few Mulatto hearts in Ottowa? Not answered some 'Degrassi High' fan's emails? He doesn't rap about anything that could be misconstrued as "lies", so where would that leave our protagonist? It would leave him with no choice but to actually have to engage in a rap battles, as opposed to making sitcom's based on celebrity lives like the MTV. Because, contrary to popular belief, if Drizzle puts down the vagina monologue & empty bragging, he can actually string some cool verbiage together. Maybe after it's all said & done, they can co-star in a remake of 'Forrest Gump. Lead role optional. No homo, just in case.


If not him, I've been hearing about this dude from Gary, Indiana. Word is he was addicted to Oxycodone, used to rob trains (yes nigga, trains!), has a few gun charges on his resume, was a certified hustler (which can mean a bevy of things these days), & was honorably discharged from boot camp for selling dope & getting drunk. Oh, & dude can rap a taste, also. His name Freddie Gibbs. Don't let the name fool you. Dude's tearing up the mixtape circuit right now, & the mere fact that he has facial hair makes him a more formidable opponent than Aubrey Graham, before he even starts rapping.


See, Ross went at Fiddy with the weapons he had. Rhymes, however unimpressed. Had he not had the team of producers (J.U.S.T.U.S. League), & instead just some home grown talent, looking to make a name for themselves, I doubt Rick's impact would have been so noticeable. He got "lucky", so to speak. Ross is far from a good MC, but good production is like an expensive weave. That shit can fool you long enough, & by the time you find out how bald her head really is, you're already knee-deep in fornication, so that shit no longer matters anyway.


Plenty of 50's targets either ducked & dodged or plead the fifth. Jadakiss was one of the few who decided to spar with the champ, & after they exchanged a few blows, the "fight" was over. Maybe 50 got scared? Maybe 'Kiss decided it may not be worth it. NaS found himself on the business end of a Curtis dis, & he maintained his solidarity until Fif got bored & found something else to sniff around. Of course, there's more people who had the sheer coconuts to stand up to him, but I think Fif knew when he was realisitcally out-"skilled". Like I've said dozens of times, he's a smart motherfucker.


My big homie Combat Jack wishes for a 50/Jay battle, but I'd love to see a young, up & coming rap cat 50 Cent Curtis Jackson.


[tony's note: see what I just did there...?]


[tony's next note: BISD is a good album. fuck what ya heard...]

Fact, Fantasy, Fiddy, & Freddy...

*puts on bulletproof vest*


I like 50 Cent, the rapper. I really don't think he's that bad at what he does. He brags, boasts, fronts, stunts, flosses, shines & all the other coontastic buffoonery that makes a successful gangsta rapper. What he eats doesn't make me shit, & like the next man, I'm a sucker for an aggressive beat & suggestive lyrics. Throw in the requisite gun references & misogyny, & I'm sold. Coincidentally, I like Rick Ross, the rapper, for the same exact reasoning. Irrational, subversive fantasy.


See, I believe a lot of people have forgotten that, along with being a contact sport, Hip Hop is entertainment. Would Muhammad Ali have been as popular if he didn't bust a rap when reporters asked him questions? Would Iron Mike have been so much fun to listen to if he didn't attempt to use mutli-syllabic words surrounded by that hilarious lisp? Professional wrestling, anyone? Too much emphasis is put on the reality of the rap world, when the reality of the rap world is based on fiction. I never heard one person call out Will Smith when he rapped about stealing his Dad's "brand new Porshe". We all knew that was bullshit, because if it was my Dad, I'd be blogging from one of those Steven Hawkins machines. & he wasn't called a fraud when he told us Freddy was trying to gut him, on his street, as if I'm to believe Fredrick Kruger moved to Philadelphia. The only Black kid Freddy worried about was that one fat dude in that mental hospital, who was friend's with that heroin addict broad. Remember Freddy's finger knives became syringes? & home chick's track marks started freaking out! Oh shit, I know y'all remember that episode! That was the same one when he turned to kids into roaches, & trapped them like the 'Roach Motel' commercial!


"...but that don't come out."


Sorry, I digress. Why now then does that matter so much? By today's "standards", Kool Keith is the biggest lie Hip Hop has ever sold us. This nigga says he visits other planets, & has sex with 5 women at once. In his defense though, he made some pornos, so yeah, there's that.


When I do happen to have the debate on who's real or fake in Hip Hop, I always come to the same conclusion; I couldn't give a fuck less. Not to mention, if I decide to spend hard earned recession dollars on a concert outing, the last person I want to see is some maniac madman who, by his own repeated admission, is probably going to kill me & everyone I came with. If I were to take rap dudes seriously, I wouldn't want to run into them at the mall, or at the beach, or the barbershop, because quicker than I would recognize them, there'd be a shoot out, hammers popping left & right, weed holders chopping down niggas like trees, for absolutely no logical reason at all.


Hip Hop two biggest bad guys, 50 & Ross, aren't hated for lack of skill, or inability to entertain. It's because they are arguably the biggest douche nozzle's in the business. Ross is a delusional liar (lying about what he did do, as opposed to what he didn't to, if you follow me) & 50 is the consummate cyber bully who should've stopped when he acquired his mark (Law of Power, #47). Both of these men have proven they possess the talent to sell records, but stubborn arrogance is a quality I don't like in my salesmen. You ever go shoe shopping, where the guy helping you was such a pretentious dick waggle that you didn't get the kicks you wanted? Right, you smell my cologne then.


In an era where 11 year olds ask for MP3 players as Christmas presents, one would have to really give the consumer a reason to buy physical CD's. Especially when the bulk of today's musical content is centered around dance songs &/or silly pop cultural references (I'm waiting on Kid Cudi or Lupe Fiasco to do a song based on the 'Twilight' movies), & is as accessible a free porn. Gangsta music basically ran it's course throughout the latter half of the 90's, with only a handful truly carrying on tradition today. Even Scarface & Ice Cube called it a wrap quite some time ago, & started seeking executive positions. Perhaps it's time 50 did the same, for real, & not by claiming to be the boss, yet dropping a verse on his artists' albums like Puff Devil Combs. In all seriousness, 50 has enough asshole charm to be the next Byron Allen or Aresenio Hall. I'd watch him make other, less famous people uncomfortable, in between nonsensical jokes & sips of lukewarm water.


Ross still has a way to go before he can truly claim to have an empire, so he's not yet worthy of my advice. But, judging by 50's latest record sales, in comparison to his previous ones, there's an obvious glitch in his matrix. So, 50, if you're reading this, throw on some tight jeans, start smoking weed all day every, & perhaps in a year's time, you'll begin to reel us back into your universe. Or, you can just become a male stripper & take the table dancing community by storm with Game. I'm sure he still has connections with his old "business partners".

Rap Crap: The Beef Edition

How come no rappers have fought yet? Really though. With the amount of beef circulating though Hip Hop, all the WWF-esque tactics that have gained popularity over the 'Nets, & all the blatant disrespect, you'd think that somebody would've gotten their ass handed to them by now. Sure, a WorldStarHipHop clip with some disgruntled weed carrier holding a gun & barking at the camera is entertaining, but how much of a point does that prove? That energy would better be spent throwing rocks at random rich nigga whips, in hopes that the target is in one of them.


Now, it's obvious that some beef is just a couple of blow hards exchanging witty unpleasantries (see Jay-Z/NaS or Kanye West/Taylor Swift), & I don't expect it to go any further than slapping & scratching, per se. Kind of like Michael Jackson's 'Beat It' video; you knew damn well none of those dudes were going to stab anybody, & run the risk of messing up their mascara. Eminem/Nick Cannon is one of those where, although physical threats have been made, I don't see it going beyond amusing little videos & blog disses. I'd put my money on Mariah slapping the shit out of Marshall backstage at a video awards show before Nick ever Tae-Bo's the rapper. Nick is like the consummate stand-up guy, & for that stereotype alone, he should've stepped to Em. Instead, he rattled off rants about Marshall being racist, as if Nick is any Blacker than Marshall. No dice.


Others are just a couple of guys, reaching middle age & wanting to show the world that Hollywood hasn't sprinkled fairy dust on them completely yet (Ice Cube/Common), or a situation where an older, seemingly out of touch MC is threatened by a younger, more virile MC & has to defend his position (LL Cool J/Canibus).

Some "beef" is the chosen vehicle for whatever unknown douche nozzle rapster thinks that swinging blindly at the competition will garner them popularity. 50 Cent's 'How To Rob A Industry Nigga' is the successful anomaly to this group, & it almost worked for a group back in the days called 'Illegal', who came out blazing at Another Bad Creation, Da Youngstas & Kris Kross. But with not one mustache between the entire bunch, spectators didn't trust them or watch for very long. & 50 has based an entire, successful career around that ethos. & I won't even go in on Jay-Z/50/Beanie Sigel/Game. That particular beef is being dissected everywhere right now, my 2 cents wouldn't even register. But 50 has single handedly changed the face of rap beef, taking it away from the recorded disses & darts & bringing it to cats' houses. Literally. His most memorable, yet distasteful, was sending his goons to videotape a rival's (DJ Khalid) mother asleep at her workplace. Oy vey.


Arguably, the illest rap beef ever was Tupac Shakur versus Notorious B.I.G., simply because of the outcome. Not so much that the so-called war was especially spectacular, but the surrounding dramas were eventful, & outcome was devastating, like the Vietnam War.


Then, some dudes have actual problems with one another, & thusly, some type of fist fight should've occurred already. Take 50 Cent & Game. The longer I don't here about them running into each other & boxing, is the more I don't believe they really have beef. Or Young Jeezy/Gucci Mane, a beef that extends beyond diss records & subliminal darts over banging tracks. There was an actual altercation, that has already left a man dead by Gucci's own hands. I grew up in South L.A., where niggas die. Hopefully those two brothers can be men, fight if necessary, but come to a conclusion to their problems for the safety of all parties involved. As far as the 50 Cent/Rick Ross fiasco, if I were Ross, I'd be hitting the gym daily, still recording (the better) music like I've been doing, but at this point in their bromance, Ross can't do or say anything to this man that can't be said through an ass whooping. 50 has teased & taunted this dude in ways that would've broken a weaker man long ago. I've often suggested that Rick is possibly the dumbest guy in Hip Hop, & by that standard, he's unable to fathom what Curtis does. Even still, it's about time to punch him in the nose, even if Rick does get his ass kicked. It can't be any worse than what 50's been doing all this time.


I'm not advocating any beef whatsoever, but, for all the mouth running & show boating, I sure do wish somebody would fight already. We remember fighting, what dudes with problems with each other did before cowards started throwing bullets instead of punches? I've said it before, & I'll say it again; Hip Hop is the only genre where you make enemies as quickly, if not more so, as fans. Other forms of music are just competitive, everybody wants to be the "winner", everybody wants to make the big checks & bring home numerous trophies from irrelevant, redundant award shows, yet, I'm positive that Carrie Underwood won't be dedicating any studio time to telling Taylor Swift that she sucks as a singer & her parents are closet racists. There's plenty of social stigmas as to why this is so, & all the psycho-babble in the world can't help me to understand why rappers feel they have to shit on each others space boots to get ahead. Back when I was under the impression that I could make noise on the rap scene, some nameless buffoon started beefing with me, & for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what his deal was. In hindsight, it was probably the same thing that other cats do, where they see an opportunity to piggyback another man in order to further their "career". But, the jokes on him, because I stopped rapping (sort of).


The thing with rappers fighting is that we know it won't progress to any street-level bullshit, & I doubt a cat would press charges. Domestic laws wouldn't apply if two "famous" jerks bumped heads in the parking lot of the Louis Vuitton store. So, why not? The era of the "diss record" has about run it's course, & frankly, it's about time for it to be taken to the next echelon, or abandoned altogether. Hip Hop is a completely different sport now than it was when I was coming up.

[tony's note: i'm sure I forgot some "important" beefs. feel free to remind me.]

Choose Wisely...

I'm sure most of y'all have seen the pictures of Rick Ross' baby moms Tia & their son with 50 Cent & Floyd Mayweather. Really though, fuck that picture. Cats all over the 'Net have their opinions on why it is/isn't foul, or what Rick should do to 50 in retaliation, or why Mayweather's even embroiled in this nonsense when he should be in the gym preparing to get his ass handed to him by Pacman. Btw, I hope he gets beaten in a way that's unfamiliar to him. I don't even like boxing like that, but I love to see a bonafied douche nozzle on the losing end of life. Makes me feel better about myself.


The reason I brought that up because it's a great precursor to choices. The choices we make, that seem so unimportant at the time, truly do shape our futures. It sounds simple, & it is. So simple that it's complicated, like putting on a condom or taking care of a pet. Without meticulous foresight, all things can & will fall down. You think Rick Ross would have raw dogged that chick if he saw all this drama? Would one 5 minute session of physical labor have been worth all this? It started when he decided that he probably won't get her pregnant, or didn't care otherwise. That minuscule decision has snow balled completely out of control, & he's a fool if he doesn't ever sit & think about the exact moment that he made one of the worst choices in his life. Not the kid, per se, but the dilemma that his irresponsibility begat.


Which brings me to a story I had the displeasure of revisiting this morning, of the fall of Rae Carruth. I won't get into specifics, but this dude basically had his baby mother killed for whatever reason. Now, I'm not throwing stones, God knows about my past, but how could something go so horribly wrong all of the sudden? Answer: it didn't. It sucked from the beginning, & perhaps, like many a successful man before him, he ignored whatever signs God showed him as to the horrid path that lay ahead. One bad choice led to many, & alas, dude's behind bars, his son is mentally & physically handicapped as a result of the injuries inflicted to the pregnant mother, & some young lady's corpse rots in a box as we speak, umm, read, well, you smell my cologne.


Choices are a manifestation of the free will we all were blessed with. It's what separates us from animals & angels. Said choices also determine how hard, or easy life will be. I teach my son to think before he does anything, because tiny ripples can become tidal waves, so to speak. I know. I've been swimming for years, & some days I see no land in sight. Thankfully, I haven't drowned yet. But thats also a nod to the fact that I've learned how to surf said tidal waves, a skill that I shouldn't have had to learn, but am glad that I did.


Life pretty much sucks. True, you have the good & the bad, but the latter generally outweighs the former. My dad used to tell me, "Life is short, but long as hell if you make the wrong decisions". It took me years to understand, & I appreciate the fact that he at least warned me. Too bad I didn't listen. Or maybe, I didn't understand. Hopefully, my bad choices will be my son's better choices. Speaking of choices, thats the name of the brochure that lists all of the magnet schools in the greater Los Angeles area. We just good his in the mail. Let the games begin...

Chess Boxin' With Curtis Jackson

I've heard it said, numerous times, that in order to hate something, you have to had loved it at some point. & I'll admit, I was a huge fan of Curtis Jackson when he emerged in the 90's. He was like a breath of fresh air; he successful combined the degenerative qualities of the West Coast's gang mentality with the gritty, hustle aesthetic of the East Coast. It was a very simple formula, & I'm sure it had been experimented with previous to 50's efforts, but for whatever reason, his execution was flawless. It didn't hurt that he played the "victim-turned-victor" card repeatedly, either. His mom was murdered in the street where she hustled, he grew up father less, thusly turning to the same life his mother lived, only to be almost killed. Here is where his story begins to apex. He decided that he'd be the biggest thing in rap music ever. He seemingly dedicated his life to this ambition. & it showed on his debut album, 'Get Rich Or Die Trying", which still moves units to this day.


For plenty of rap fans & Hip Hop heads alike, this is where the love started becoming hate.


His assaults became the pinnacle of his "talent". What began as attacks on Ja Rule, spread to Fat Joe, NaS, Jadakiss, Jay-Z, among others, & most notably Rick Ross. Rick Ross is an uber-gangsta rapper who built his musical empire on borrowed drug fantasies & genocidal undertones. Oh, & thanks to 50 Cent, Rick Ross was exposed as an ex-correctional officer, contrary to the content of 95% of his music. The other 5% was based on his sexual prowess. Laugh out loud. Ross stuck to his audio guns, releasing good music, while 50 took to the 'Net with comedy skits, stalked Ross' mother at work, & even produced a porno with one of Ross' baby mothers, & helped the other one ink a book deal for a tell-all book on the most famous rapper the world never heard of.


50 has the unrelenting ability to strategically place himself in front of the cameras when it's necessary (i.e. around the time he's about to drop an album). For the most part, it's always been a successful move, except his latest album, 'Before I Self Destruct', was scheduled to be released last year, at the height of the Rick Ross onslaught. It never happened. The album was continuously pushed back to it's apparent release date, this November. & not-so-coincedentally, he's in the mix again.


Jay-Z, & his former artist Beanie Sigel have drifted apart due to Jay's "shady" business dealings, & Beans is set to let the entire world know about his ex-boss' wayward conductivity. Suprisingly (or not really), 50 Cent just happened to be there to scoop up a wounded Beanie & give him the platform to air his grievances. There's a lot of back & forth fact-checking between Jay & Sigel, but the true champion in this melee is 50. He singlehandedly put his name back into the street, like he's known to do, on the backs of two men, former friends, that have nothing at all to do with 50 Cent.


Now, if that's not politics in it's rawest, most uncut, I don't know what is.


With rumors of Beanie Sigel being signed to Curtis' G-Unit Records (which has proven not to mean a whole helluva lot these days), 50's chess playing is paying off tremendously. Beans, 50's pawn, is checkmating Jay-Z's king. One wonders what Jay's queen (not Beyonce, y'all) move will be. In all honesty, Shawn Carter is bigger than rap, so it won't take much to block any move by 50 Cent. The point is that, 50 Cent, regardless to what people think about him, is probably the smartest player in the rap industry. He came, he saw, & he's conquering from a business level.


I'll concede that he'll most likely never again "wow" me with a lyric or song concept, but I sense that he's off that (no pun intended). Seems like it's more about conquest, & until industry cats smarten up, dude will be like Hip Hop's Genghis Khan. When he released his book earlier this year, 'The 50th Law of Power', semi-sequel to Robert Greene's "The 48 Laws Of Power', many dismissed it as another cashocow being milked, similar to his mineral water venture & his acting career. But, if the proof is truly in the pudding, I wouldn't be surprised if Bill Cosby shows up in his next video.


50's not playing checkers, people. It's more like a hood savvy 'Monopoly'/'Chess' hybrid, & he's the only one who knows the rules. Or at least, that's how it seems.

Nick Cannon: Man on Fire

Now, we all know who Nick Cannon is, I assume. Even the fellas who aren't all that partial to other guys know him, if only because their girlfriends or daughters love that scene from 'Drumline' where he faces off against the other squad. Not that it was the feel-good flick of that year, but drums & thousands of Black people = mild humor, if nothing else. He also had a show on Nickolodeon, called 'Wild N Out', which I never quite understood, but to his credit, I drank a whole lot back then. So, it was either that, or the show really did suck & I'm trying to play nice.

[tony's note: i took a poll [||]. it sucked.]

More recently though, he's achieved a trifecta of B-list stardom unmatched by most of his colleagues. First, he married the heiress to Whitney Houston's R&B drama queendom; Mariah Carey-more on that later. Next he became the host/resident token Black for the show "America's Got Talent", where not only is he NOT one of the judges, but one would assume that he only got the job because he's possibly the most non-threatening negro in Hollywood, right next to Daryl "Chill" Mitchell (the handicapped dude on the show 'Brothers'). Lastly, he engaged in a, umm, heated war of words with pop star terrorizer/rap phenomenon Eminem. Em & Mariah have a strange history, where they may or may not have had sexual relations, & frequently through his music, Marshall Mathers throws Mrs. Cannon under the bus, then jumps down there right along with her. Like kamikaze paparazzi. Ftr, I don't condone stalking, but sometimes it's funny to see successful men flailing their arms at women who wouldn't take the time to squat & piss on them if they were on fire. The last effort to drag her through the mud wasn't very well received by Mr. Carey, & he took to his blog with chants of racism & threats of violence. He even went as far as to invite Em to settle it "like men", whatever that's supposed to mean coming from a guy like Nick. He's not big enough or ashy enough to strike too much fear in anyone this side of the Nickelodeon Network. Of course, Eminem only picks on people he knows won't do shit, ie White girls, but he probably wasn't expecting such a chivalrous move from Cannon. I'm not mad at Nick; I protect my wife as well, really though. Little known fact; Cannon is in very good shape, at least physically. I'm more apt to believe an attention-starved pseudo-celeb can kick the shit out of a 40 year old, ex-drug addict rapper. Especially a white one (no shots). Plus, cougar or not, Mariah is definitely the type of bride whom one would easily find themselves having as much sex with her as she allowed. Maybe even sneaking a little piece if she's too tired. Why not defend her honor?

By these three matters of happenstance, Mr. Carey finds himself in the spotlight again, per se. The fact that he's in the background of Mariah's paparazzi pictures holding her purse & mink stoles only lends more credit to his celebrity. Hey, it works for Common.

But now, Nick may be up against his most formidable adversary yet. Word is, Mariah's got a bun in the oven. Assuming it's Nick's, those boobs won't just be his to motor boat at his leisure. Those hips won't just be for grabbing as he straddles, but for bearing children. This baby stands the chance of knocking Nicky off of the radar for at least 18 years. For the sake of argument, the kid will be cute, talented in some way or another & easier to carry around then Nick, a grown man. How could Mariah not see this as publicity beyond her wildest dreams? The headlines will read "Mariah & Child!", & the pictures will have Nick C., as usual, handling baggage. If I were him, I'd not only be pissed that I didn't sign a prenup, but also that I didn't get a vasectomy. This unwitted, unprotected sex move might have cost him much more than bedazzled diapers & solid gold baby bottles. His greatest publicity feat, marrying arguably the sexiest 50-something year old woman ever, will be all for naught in approximately 8 or so months.

So my advice for Nick; beat the hell out of Eminem. Go looking for him. Immediately. Seriously, wait for the dude backstage at an awards show, alone, & run at him throwing all the punches those little arms can muster up. It doesn't matter if he's not alone; you may get effed the eff up, but that will play on people's sympathies. Another win! You can't lose here. & your child will hear stories of the day you protected it's mom's reputation, subsequently making you a man that your seed can look up to. More so than cooning around on stage in a 3 piece suit & introducing folks who can turn their eyelids inside out or twirl hula hoops while double-dutching. Don't worry about 50 Cent or G-Unit; they have better things to do than run to the aid of their aging boss man. In fact, you may want to throw that race card out there before you attack. Remind 50 Cent that a White man is pulling his strings, & how every album he releases is the equivalent of another row of corn & cotton being shucked for the White man's pocket book.

Hear my cries Nick, the time is now. Don't wait for your wife to give birth to a precious baby girl. Dude, you won't win that popularity contest. Good luck & God speed...

"Detox": 5 reasons you're wasting your time waiting on Dr. Dre...

1) Dre's a perfectionist...
We all know there's no such thing as perfection, so by that mantra, he'll never be able to live up to his own standards. People who except nothing less than exceptional are never satisfied with themselves. For years now, Andre Young's been promising this elite, exquisite album. Anxiously, we cling to his catalog of hits, hoping to foresee what we are waiting for. No Dice. I refuse to hear a re-worked "Bitch Please", or an updated "Let Me Ride" after so many years of empty promises. The problem with being so critical of one's self is that no one else is holed up like some reclusive madman, perfecting a sound that will only be re-invented as soon as the next lucky amateur gets his big break on YouTube. So, for every song that he remixes & remasters to fabled perfection, 47 duck sauce rappers & their chow mein producers are flooding the 'Nets with warm feces. According to the Hip Hop grade curve, Soulja Boy has a better chance at hypnotizing me than Dre does of mesmerizing me.

2)He's obviously too much of a douche nozzle to care...
There's a reason why every time Dr. Dre's in the limelight again, he's usually surrounded by a different group of people than the last time we saw him. It's the same reason that 50 Cent always has the exact same two dudes with him; Asshole Alzheimer's (they forget the other people). If you're familiar with his presence, you could run down a laundry list of Dre-affiliated cats that have come & gone quicker than the Swine Flu scare. Aside from that, let us take a look at some of his other moments of douchebaggery; he beat up (& kicked down) Dee on "Pump It Up" for basically no reason (Google it, youngsters)...I know one of his kids, & if she told you right now that Dre was her dad, you'd look her up & down & laugh, albeit quietly as you walk away...he aligns himself with acts that are arguably more relevant than he is, then wishes them to the cornfields (Eve, Busta Rhymes, Rakim, Raekwon, Joell Ortiz, that "Truth" broad, etc.)...other people write all his raps, & always have. This isn't to take away from his legacy, but don't piss on my shoulder & tell me it's drizzling. A man's only as good as the last thing he did. I'm just saying. I wonder what ever happened to the N.W.A. reunion.

3)People don't buy CD's anymore...
Dre's claim(s) to fame has always been his record sales. He's not a rapper, although White folks think he is, so he can't boast about his rhymes. For every track that he's "produced", at least 4 nobodies come out of the woodworks claiming that they "arranged this", & "sequenced that", & this goes back to his days with Arabian Prince, so he can't brag about his beats without being sued. So where does that leave a man with so much to show for so little? It leaves him with albums, that boast his name, selling millions of copies worldwide. That has changed immensely over the last 5 years. If you're not TI, Lil Wayne, Eminem or Kanye West, fans aren't flocking to drop recession dollars on your opus. Today's average rap fan has no idea who Dre used to be, & would have no idea at all who he was if Marshall wasn't suc-showing him so much love over the years. The 40-year old Hip Hop market is marginal, at best, & at this point in his career, he's starting at the bottom. & before y'all start bringing up Eminem's success, trust & believe that every album Em sold was because of Em. It had very little, if any, to do with Dre "producing" the music. Eminem could've rapped over gorillas having sex, & would've had the same productivity.

4)Gangsta music is on vacation...
Face it. 50 Cent was/is the last dude who could sell us the American nightmare & convince us it was just what the doctor ordered (no pun intended). Similar to Em, when 50 was on top of the rap game, it didn't matter who provided the sonic backdrop. We wanted to hear him shoot his way through life, & bone every broad that he could in the process. But, once 50 Ja Rule'd Ja Rule & assumed his identity, it was all downhill. Such is the case with Dre. No matter what he produced, it brought out the gangsta in a nigga (nigga, being used loosely here). Really though, as much as I don't need to hear another Drake song, I really don't need to hear Drake rapping over a Dr. Dre beat. Same for Cudi. Or Wale. Or J. Cole. Maybe Nipsey Hussle, but L.A. dudes don't get down like that. Name a current "hot shit" rapper, & I don't want to hear him over Dre. For all intents & purposes, I could be completely wrong, & Dre could put the 'G' back in the funk, but won't hold my breath. He does get style points for having O.G. Roger Troutman & Tupac on one of the biggest selling records of the '90's, though. Too bad he bit the hook from 'Pop Lockin'.

5)He can never top 'The Chronic', & he knows it...
It doesn't matter what he's doing in the studio right now. The Chronic was, is, & always will be considered a Hip Hop classic. Unless he has a song featuring Satan, Jesus & Woody Woodpecker, he can never achieve that same level of unexpected brilliance. My guess is that he sits in the studio, alone, & listens to that album to conceive new ideas from old material. The closest we've gotten to a peek at 'Detox' was that damn Dr. Pepper commercial. I don't even like Dr. Pepper, or know a person who does. It tastes like peppermint Kool-aid, if such a thing were to exist. That said, who gives a damn about the commercial, & who even knows thats his beat is playing in the background? I do, but then again my life's not so exciting, so that only holds so much weight. It's the gift of the curse, or the curse of the gift, depending on the person. That album single-handedly changed the face of rap, without so much as a gimmick to swing from. To repeat that feat in today's market would be virtually impossible. People refer to him as the "Quincy Jones of Rap", but I just say Dre's Dre. No need to put extra pressure on his back, & if he was "Quincy", that would make his "Michael Jackson" Snoop Dogg, & that brother's off on his own weed-induced, Rock & Roll gangbanger tangent. No rekindling that fire. Dre's uber-talented, no question, but he may have to come to grips with the fact that he peaked, climaxed & plateau'd all in one phenomenal album. That doesn't happen twice. Not in Hip Hop at least.

For the record, I'm rooting for Dre, because he's been counted out for quite some time. It would be nice to see him jump fresh out of nowhere, but, let's be honest with ourselves. His best bet at this point, is to go the Ice-T route; find a life-sized Barbie doll & pimp her out at his shows. Titties have a way of making dudes forget about anything else happening. Ask Luke & the 2Live Crew.

The Shoving Match

To all the Lil Wayne fans out there, Rebirth will never be released (4 push backs & counting). & here's why;

Drake.

Wayne didn't follow the blueprint (no Jay-Z) laid out by thousands of Rapscallions before him. Hire down. If a cat is noticeably more talented, do not pull him in under you. That's an entertainment industry sin. Really though. But, he saw Drizzy somewhere, heard his flow, decided that he was the next big thing to blow [||] & scooped him up like some much ice cream (pun intended). Thus, he rendered his lollipop rap useless to the millions of 14 year old hot mama's looking for some music to get pregnant to. Plus, Drake looks better [||]. That right there should've tipped Wayne off.......[||]. Although, that would mean he'd have to find a dude less unattractive than he is, which in itself is probably quite the daunting task.

Anyway...

Weeziana wanted to be a Boss, whilst he was still a worker, thus removing his own self from the, umm, throne in the process. At the rate the Young Money train (no Nicki Minaj) is moving, Wayne's million dollar empire isn't guaranteed, like it was last year. If his label isn't at all excited about him venturing out to a new audience, they damn sure aren't going to be excited about him backward hustling his way through a Carter IV. Hence, numerous push backs for "Rebirth", & only baby-step rumors in regards to a supposed Carter IV. Wait, wasn't there supposed to be a Carter IV, full of unreleased songs already? Maybe Drake's knee won't heal, & Wayne won't have to worry about him stepping on his toes anymore. ROLLING over them though, is another post altogether.

Take Eminem. We've all heard the rumors of how he heard about 50, got his hands on a mixtape & just had to sign him. Do you know why Marshall was so adamant? Because Fif already generated a buzz (step 1, word to Federal Ranga) & he knew that there's no way in Hell 50 would ever out-rhyme him. Em gets his cake, & maintains to be (arguably) the flyest White dude in Hip Hop since MC Serch. Hence, hiatus' aplenty, but no push backs. Meanwhile, not even Rick Ross' buoyancy could keep 50 afloat.
"Before I Self Destruct" has been getting pushed back since this time last year. He's had time. He's had resources. One could only speculate on the exact reasons for delay(s), but I put my money on the diminishing buzz & lack of ferocity. To respond to said political complication, 50 did what he does best; took his hustle to the streets (rather, the 'Nets. "War Angel" is a must have). I guess the real question would be, why even go through the hassles of major label drama & woe if one's in a position to go for the gusto by their lonesome? If the ability is there (i.e. finance), why depend on a middle man?

In a climate like this, music-wise, it would seem like E-1 music would be flooded with D.I.Y. rap acts. What better way to avoid the TI side hustles than to take your destiny into your own hands? Not completely independent, but nowhere near the office building frezy one encounters when employed by a roundtable full of overseers (btw, at the very least, Slaughterhouse is in a great position to launch their brand).

It's impossible to be the boss if you have one.

If Tru Life was able to get out of his, umm, Def Jam contract, surely Curtis Jackson can, especially since his commitment's almost up & Interscope is dropping off dead weight like a sinking oceanliner (what's good Banks?). If Young Money is making such Cash Money movement, why do they even need a sign off on an album, rock 'n' roll, R&B, folk, polka or otherwise? Sounds kind of like this "OATH" I've been hearing so much about lately.

Kids, take note; the best way to avoid a push back is to not stand there in the first place. Create your own lane, study Federal Ranga's 5 step plan, pay your dues, your self, & wait for hard work to pay off. But hey, I'm just a writer. What do I know?

**For More, go to http://www.youtube.com/federalranga "XXLmag.com presents Federal Ranga ON YO ASS!! Part IV: Push Back Deez!"**

Jeffrey's Revenge (or Rule Reloaded..?)

“That's the motherfucking first blog on Rule York TV on the iPhizzle cam, nigga. I'm getting a lot of hardcore footage. All you bitch ass niggas out there, I'm letting y'all know I'm coming and I'm fucking, oh, I got a chip on my shoulders this year, bitch."-Ja Rule via Rule York TV

Wow. That's just what we needed. Another rap star with a video camera & a web site to update us on his current activities. Perhaps he's too gangsta for Twitter. Not that I have a Twitter account, so I wouldn't know regardless. The closest I come to tweeting is getting pointless messages from my wife via Blackberry Messenger. To which I respond, "I'll see you when you get home." Somebody let me know when Jesus Christ signs onto Twitter though. That way, I can get a heads up on Judgment Day.

Ja Rule's using his fresh-out-the-box vlog to announce his re-entry into the Hip Hop foray. Can't say that I'm excited, but I bet Ashanti is. It'll give her relevance again. God knows she was a huge piece of Curtis' campaign collateral damage. In fact, ALL of Murder Inc. Records was. Even a shirtless, oiled-down, underage Lloyd wasn't strong enough to carry Irv Gotti's wet dream. Rule's stardom revolved around RnB thuggery & Fat Joe pseudo-fan overflow. If Tupac & DMX had've conceived a lovechild, Jeffrey Atkins would have been it. He was good at what he did, too; giving homothugs coast to coast something to hum while they got their next neck tattoo. But, thanks to the relentless Terminator rapper (Get it? Shoot him & he still keeps coming atcha!), all those good things came to an end.

Until now.

“Nothing fucking stale, nothing faded, brand new, nigga. Get ready. I'm lettin' y'all niggas know, man, you got about 60 to 90 days then I'ma put my dick in your mouth, man. Watch yourselves homies, telling you!"-Ja Rule via Rule York TV

No Homo?

Todays market is rife with emo-rap mercenaries who are hellbent on proving a point. Gangsta rap has taken a (May)back seat to lip rings & liquid denim. Our biggest 2 proponents of such music are M.I.A. (Fif & Ro$$), leaving just enough room for a little dude to sneak in & [re]claim a spot in the light. Enters Ja Rule. In the same breath, this cat busted guns & nuts without provocation. & from the sounds of his, umm, digital warning shots fired, he'll be back on his bullshit within a few short months.

The only good I see coming from this is 50's reaction. This may be exactly what the G-Unit machine needs to leave the office building & go back into the gutters it crawled out of. I, for one, am excited [||]. I never saw the Ro$$/50 battle musically escalate to the same proportions as 50/Ja. & one point, it seemed as if Lloyd Banks was doing all the footwork lyrically, while Curtis wrote stand-up routines for his James Brown-meets-Rick James character Curly. For whatever reason, 50 never delivered the final blow to make Rick feel a need to shave his beard, lose 138 lbs., & relocate to Europe with his career, like many predicted. He almost, but not quite, got Ja Rule'd.

I've always said that Ro$$ was too stupid to know he lost, & in an "ignorance is bliss" type way, he couldn't be defeated. He's like the Cheddar Bob of coke rap.

But in this case, Fif mega-ethered Ja's career. Fuck a knock out, dude's been in a coma. Now, years later, audaciously, Jeffrey wakes up flailing wildly for all the Net to witness, as if the real Ja Rule fans bought hyperbaric chambers & stayed 16 years old through cryogenic stasis for the last 7 years. Sorry about the sci-fi nerdgasm.

Curtis Jackson has to be pissed.

So, maybe this is the motivation needed for a trip back to the Dollar/GRODT/mixtape days. 50 could easily sit back & allow Rule to hit the ground running, confident that he made this man go Bin Laden; rarely being seen & occasionally throwing darts from a cave somewhere in East Bubblefuck. Or, 50 could take every single thing that Ja says from this day forward as a personal attack & get all "G-G-G-G-G-G-Unit!!" on that dude. Suffice it to say that most of us would prefer the latter. Put down that neck tie & pick up a bandanna, per se.

Ja Rule has admitted himself in interviews that when one is so innovative that a whole industry bites their blueprint, its hard to re-emerge, hence the “Nothing fucking stale, nothing faded, brand new, nigga". What does that mean? Auto-tune? No Dice. That would surely be hustling backwards & the well deserved nail in a coffin 50 lowered into the Earth years ago.

True, the crowd loves the underdog, but, in this scenario, who exactly would that be? The man with something to prove, or, the man with nothing to lose?

Maybe, just maybe, 50 still has some gas in his reserve tank. Then again, maybe Ja's been training like Rashard Evans to knock out Chuck Lidell. Sometimes, legends do fall.

Bloodstains in the Studio

Call me crazy, but I could listen to "murder, murder, kill, kill" music all day. It's like watching some urban-slasher movie, & all it's sequels. Complete with gratuitous violence, illicit sex, & random chaos. For my buck, I want anarchist bedlam. BTW, Friday the 13th is my favorite horror movie franchise (even though the last one blow nads).

In Hip Hop, we had a little romp with that theory, called Horror-core. Ugh, I hate sub-genres. They're like calling someone your "third cousin". What's the point? So, the whole horror/rap hybrid failed miserably. Maybe if they just called it what it was, Hip Hop, then it might not have gotten so much attention. Or negative light. The most famous act born of this experiment was "Gravediggaz", who collectively weren't that famous at all. As solo artists, they're were somewhat successful, but that was when they were doing their own thing, navigating their own lane(s), overseeing their own destiny(s), per se. Not performing awkwardly disturbing lyrics that sounded cheesy & contrived together. Of course, the lesser known acts that were lumped into this category were rapping about having sex with babies & eating their mothers' hearts long before some douche in an office decided that this was "it". Shout outs to Brother Lynch Hung, Natas, Bushwick Bill & the ilk.

Now, there's a very thin line between (for lack of a current term) horror rap & gangsta rap. On one hand, both involve senseless murders, often unnecessarily violent. Both always include sex, at some point, whether it's before, after or during said murders, & both seem to be some animal instinct being tapped for survival of the fittest. Yet & still, both are extremely entertaining to those of us who know how to stop & smell life's roses.

There was a scene in Friday the 13th, Part 2 I think, where this kid in a wheelchair was trying to "run" (npi) from Jason. Jason grabbed the boy's head, strapped it to a tree & twisted the belt he used until the pressure caused the boy's head to pop. It was fantastic! I know that if I was forced to actually watch something like that in real time, I'd throw up until my body shriveled, wilted & rigomortis'd. But, that's the beauty of entertainment. You know its not real. I'd rather watch that nonsense than Chicken George lose a foot, or Celie shave Mister anyday.

This is why I'm bumping "old" 50 Cent & "new" Eminem so much right now. All the hype surrounding 50 vs Rick Ross made me revisit the 50 who didn't care about the hoes dancing. He had a problem with everybody, thus, everybody had to get shot the f#ck up. You can't argue with a bulletproof supervillian with a chip on his shoulder. Get Rich Or Die Trying is a masterpiece. That's Gangsta, indeed. As for Eminem, I stopped listening after the Marshall Mathers LP. To me, he got way too close to the real life struggles I endure on a regular basis, like hating my mom & battling addiction. I prefer him decapitating bullies & such. But, he came full circle with "Relapse". Its entertaining, idiotic & completely void of any realness.

Uncut entertainment.

That's what it's about. Bill collectors & baby momma's keep it real enough for me. When it comes to my Hip Hop, I want it to be as far from actuality as possible.

Keep up the good work, guys.