I'm undeniably, unapologetically a 50 Cent fan. When I say "fan", I don't mean I like his latest album, or enjoy his Internet antics. I mean I listen to his music, almost daily. & not in the "I might pull up his joints on the i-Pod sometimes" sense, I mean all of my ring tones on the Blackberry are set to 50 songs, really though. In fact, when you leave your comment (stop lurking & holler at your boy!), 'Window Shopper' will blare from my hip to alert me. He may have been the most pivotal rapper of the decade. Hate me if you will, but I stand firm on my ground. Before you get your fingers ready to dig my proverbial comment section grave site, let me make myself clear.
Dude's lyrics, meh at best. His beat selection has gotten progressively more mediocre with each studio album's release, from 'The Massacre', to 'BISD'. He flosses to much. He literally rode the "street credibility" wagon until the wheels fell off, then watched them bounce off into the sunset. He treats most people like shit, in front of an audience. He doesn't do any of his music for the betterment of Hip Hop, or rap music in general, for that matter. For all intents and purposes, he's the biggest Douche in entertainment since Spencer Pratt was on that "I'm a celebrity!" game show with John Salley. Now that we got that out of the way, let me tell you why I think he's awesome.
50 cent, according to General Combat Jack, never set out to be a rapper. It was bigger than that, deeper than rap (no pun intended & [||]). He decided long ago that he wanted to take over the industry. That's forward thinking, beyond setting Billboard chart goals and plans on moving units through Soundscan. Which was probably why he attacked the streets with his mixtapes first & foremost, which guaranteed that his key demographic would have his shit meet them where it should; the streets. This man may possibly be the reason for record companies no longer really needing A&R's. Granted, the position still exists, but the glamour once attached is no more. The 'Net is the new A&R. Obviously Curtis Jackson wasn't the first dude to use this grass roots platform to boost his celebrity, but he worked it like a fat girl in hooker boots. Before cats were bumping 'Wanksta', cats were bumping 'Wanksta', if you smell my cologne.
No matter what battles have ensued throughout the years, Curtis Jackson gave new meaning to the word "beef". He made it a viable marketing tool. He turned it into a weapon. He made it a reason to tune in to the 'Nets. Hell, he might even be the driving force behind e-thuggery reaching meteoric heights in the last couple of years. No longer was it battles on wax, punch lines, & mild discrediting. Thanks to F-50, it became skeleton exposure, video footage, court papers, & character assassination that we haven't seen since the 1960's. Not that it was/is a good look for the culture, but let's give credit where it's due. I learned in 2nd grade; if you're going to be an asshole, you might as well go balls out. Like swimming trunks with no underwear. I'm one of those who say he didn't "end" Ja Rule's career, per se, but when was the last time Jeffrey Atkins made you dance? Just saying.
Curtis Jackson's last offering, 'Before I Self Destruct' was a very important album. Not lyrically, because in all honesty, his first and best album, 'Get Rich Or Die Tryin'', even contained meager rhymes with the occasional cool verse. We were willing to over look that short-coming due to his vivid story telling, brute honesty, and trunk-rattle factor, but if an acapella version of 'GRODT' had been given away to the public, I imagine the Frisbee industry would've faced a large decrease in stock value. Even still, 50 Cent changed the game. Where the west coast fizzled, after Suge Knight sabotaged an entire coastline of music, 50, from Queens, New York, did what many artists, regardless of region or race, could not do--revive gangsta rap. It was the veritable height of Hip Hop glamour and glitz when Curtis stepped out with 'How To Rob An Industry Nigga', and thus hardcore street music was back on the rise. Coast to coast, niggas tossed their shiny shirts and expensive eye wear to the side for thigh length white t-shirts, wave caps and eye-covering fitted hats. Grimey was back in style. This was before emo-rap brought emotion & semi-sensitivity back to the forefront, when heartless thug life reigned supreme. And damn, it felt good to be a gangsta.
Truth be told, Tupac had to die for all of this to take place, but that's a drop for another day.
As Kanye West began to gain momentum in the early 2000's though, the (Hip Hop) world began to see that it was okay to be a normal cat. It was nothing wrong with admitting one's faults and poking fun at one's self sometimes, instead of others constantly. Just like in high school, bullies only last for a certain amount of time, before people stop taking them seriously, & start treating them realistically. Being a hoodlum was all to the good, but being nerdy was becoming cool again. What was once Carhartt and Dickies was now Gucci and Louis V. & it's not that Kanye spearheaded the movement, but he became the poster boy for the alternative Hip Hop lifestyle, and folks were feeling it. So much so, that over-sized became the "new" too small. Loud colors became the "new" white tee. Man-bags became the, well, them shits were still man-bags, but that's neither here nor there.
Fast track to 2009's release of 'Before I Self Destruct', and one would be hard pressed not to notice the amount of weight that album shouldered. More than just 50's last obligatory album for Jimmy Iovine, it marked the measuring stick for his rap career, and more importantly, the green mile march of gangsta music as we came to know it.
Although selling a modest amount of records amidst a declining recording industry, 50's album was labeled a failure by many, and wack by most. At the same time, Kid Cudi, Kanye West, Drake, and Lupe Fiasco emerged victorious as the emo-rap wave washed ashore. With 50 Cent's next move in limbo, Hip Hop is now devoid of a true "bad guy", & metrosexual thugs are running this rap shit. Chances are he'll never reign atop the charts ever again, so who's the next knucklehead nigga we can love to hate, hate to love, and try to keep our kids from listening to?
Think about every movie conflict you've ever watched. In most instances, cats root for the bad guy, even if they know his demise is imminent. Hip Hop is no different. We NEED a successful, "I don't give a fuck about none of y'all"-type guy to hate on. That's the reason people drop hundreds of monies on Pit Bulls instead of majestic German Shepards. If that Pit Bull gets loose and eats someone's infant, we know he'll be euthanized, and we might get arrested, but until that day comes, we tote that motherfucking dog around like he's our best friend. American culture loves a bad guy. If not, we wouldn't have re-elected George W. Bush, & Hollywood wouldn't keep giving Samuel L. Jackson the same parts in different movies. &, when we can't find a bad guy, we make one up. Just ask Barack Obama.
50's presence in Hip Hop will surely be missed. If not for lyrics & antagonistic narcissism, then for the sheer magnitude of his asshole behavior, & the coconuts it took to be a moving target for so long. All hail the bad guy.
Farewell, 50...
Showing posts with label beef. Show all posts
Showing posts with label beef. Show all posts
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Hip Hop for Vegetarians
I really hope this rumor about Jay-Z doing the 'Empire State of Mind' remix with NaS AND 50 Cent isn't true. Think of the possibilities...
Is this where it's headed? 2009 was the year of the emo-rapper, I get that. I kinda figured 2010 would find us with more emo-thugs, like Game. Imagine how I felt when my dude Don McCaine dropped this info on me last night. For the sake of conversation, I'm just going to consider it true, not to mention it's plastered on the interwebs. & we all know everything on the 'Net is factual.
After a less than excited Young Jeezy made amends with an incarcerated Gucci Mane, & "Freeway" Rick Ross wrangled a handful of unimportant Hip Hop "stars" for a peace summit (via telephone--do people still use those things?), I guess I should've expected so much. Well, maybe not something of this magnitude. NaS, I could see him squashing all unnecessary beefs, for the sake of making all the dough he can. Hell, he might want to start making some new friends while he's at it. Just saying. But if this is Jay's way of being the bigger man, I fear it will backfire in a most unattractive way. As much as I'm a fan of Curtis Jackson, I'm aware that he's not to be trusted further than he can be thrown. & Jay's never appeared terribly muscular to me. There are just certain things you can't do, when it comes to disagreements.
My nigga Federal Ranga (www.youtube.com/federalranga) addressed "beefs" on his vlog, & made some good points as to when not to bow down. This, for Jigga Man, is one of those times. Even if, as I read on the grossly misspelled pages of AllHipHop.com, this is for the unification of New York, 50's a bully. This move would be the equivalent of buying your ex-wife's boyfriend lunch, after you found out she was pregnant by him. You're already kind of removed from ground zero, but it still stings enough to where a handshake is about as far as the relationship can go. & as he sips his Ice Tea, & makes small talk about sports, all he's thinking is, "Ha ha, that's my uterus now, punk!". If Jay wants to prove to the fans that he's bigger [||], than have lunch with the nigga at one of the L.A. spots that the paparazzi seem to sleep outside of. But, to put him on a song with you? That's just too close for comfort, no Monroe.
To the outside world, that would just seem like a chump way to go out. Granted, 50 hasn't launched a furious attack on Jay (yet...), but he's made it clear that he takes him for a joke. I applaud Jay for not lowering himself to such standards, but he hasn't responded on wax at all. If you've been on that high road all this time, there's no reason to deviate. Really though, if Beyonce had've kicked Kelly Rowlands' ass the other day at court, we wouldn't even be having this conversation.
For the record, I don't believe it to be true, but I also laughed when cats told me that Jay was taking Oprah Windbag to the projects. Imagine my surprise when I saw footage of them sitting on some steps discussing why he smelled so good. It was probably a crack house nearby, & we all know Oprah used to-never mind.
This takes me back to my initial question...is this where it's headed? Is "friendly guy" the new "mad rapper"? I hope not. It's not that I like beef, but put it this way; would you watch football if all the players were buddies, & knew each other's moms' & shit? Hell nah, because than it would be like a flag football game. Same with Hip Hop. If everybody's "cool" with one another, then where's the competitive nature? "Friendly competition" is an actual phrase simply because there's nothing "friendly" about wanting to crush your opponent. & let us not forget Laws of Power #3, #14, & #21, because I'll bet my collection of porn that Curtis hasn't.
[tony's note: yeah, you need to get that book...]
This could set off quite the chain of events, & rest assured Game would be the first link. This collaboration would certainly be enough to set his ADD/Bi-polar disorder into over drive. Dude might kill himself in the vocal booth, while recording a song, just to let niggas know he serious he is about his beef. & Beans would most likely just stop rapping all together, & take it back to the block, literally & figuratively. Them dudes would need MORE security at that point, because I imagine Beanie would be at every show he could, waiting to rob them cats time after time. Like the industry's personal Deebo.
I'm sure we've all heard that LOX are releasing their next album on Bad Boy, after quelling their feud. & Puff & Jay have been hanging out with each other lately. & Puffy Combs is the devil. & Jay-Z worships the devil. If Jay is bringing 50 into this realm, do the math. If Beyonce starts singing Aaliyah songs, I'm getting the fuck out of dodge.
Stay tuned as this drama unfolds.
Is this where it's headed? 2009 was the year of the emo-rapper, I get that. I kinda figured 2010 would find us with more emo-thugs, like Game. Imagine how I felt when my dude Don McCaine dropped this info on me last night. For the sake of conversation, I'm just going to consider it true, not to mention it's plastered on the interwebs. & we all know everything on the 'Net is factual.
After a less than excited Young Jeezy made amends with an incarcerated Gucci Mane, & "Freeway" Rick Ross wrangled a handful of unimportant Hip Hop "stars" for a peace summit (via telephone--do people still use those things?), I guess I should've expected so much. Well, maybe not something of this magnitude. NaS, I could see him squashing all unnecessary beefs, for the sake of making all the dough he can. Hell, he might want to start making some new friends while he's at it. Just saying. But if this is Jay's way of being the bigger man, I fear it will backfire in a most unattractive way. As much as I'm a fan of Curtis Jackson, I'm aware that he's not to be trusted further than he can be thrown. & Jay's never appeared terribly muscular to me. There are just certain things you can't do, when it comes to disagreements.
My nigga Federal Ranga (www.youtube.com/federalranga) addressed "beefs" on his vlog, & made some good points as to when not to bow down. This, for Jigga Man, is one of those times. Even if, as I read on the grossly misspelled pages of AllHipHop.com, this is for the unification of New York, 50's a bully. This move would be the equivalent of buying your ex-wife's boyfriend lunch, after you found out she was pregnant by him. You're already kind of removed from ground zero, but it still stings enough to where a handshake is about as far as the relationship can go. & as he sips his Ice Tea, & makes small talk about sports, all he's thinking is, "Ha ha, that's my uterus now, punk!". If Jay wants to prove to the fans that he's bigger [||], than have lunch with the nigga at one of the L.A. spots that the paparazzi seem to sleep outside of. But, to put him on a song with you? That's just too close for comfort, no Monroe.
To the outside world, that would just seem like a chump way to go out. Granted, 50 hasn't launched a furious attack on Jay (yet...), but he's made it clear that he takes him for a joke. I applaud Jay for not lowering himself to such standards, but he hasn't responded on wax at all. If you've been on that high road all this time, there's no reason to deviate. Really though, if Beyonce had've kicked Kelly Rowlands' ass the other day at court, we wouldn't even be having this conversation.
For the record, I don't believe it to be true, but I also laughed when cats told me that Jay was taking Oprah Windbag to the projects. Imagine my surprise when I saw footage of them sitting on some steps discussing why he smelled so good. It was probably a crack house nearby, & we all know Oprah used to-never mind.
This takes me back to my initial question...is this where it's headed? Is "friendly guy" the new "mad rapper"? I hope not. It's not that I like beef, but put it this way; would you watch football if all the players were buddies, & knew each other's moms' & shit? Hell nah, because than it would be like a flag football game. Same with Hip Hop. If everybody's "cool" with one another, then where's the competitive nature? "Friendly competition" is an actual phrase simply because there's nothing "friendly" about wanting to crush your opponent. & let us not forget Laws of Power #3, #14, & #21, because I'll bet my collection of porn that Curtis hasn't.
[tony's note: yeah, you need to get that book...]
This could set off quite the chain of events, & rest assured Game would be the first link. This collaboration would certainly be enough to set his ADD/Bi-polar disorder into over drive. Dude might kill himself in the vocal booth, while recording a song, just to let niggas know he serious he is about his beef. & Beans would most likely just stop rapping all together, & take it back to the block, literally & figuratively. Them dudes would need MORE security at that point, because I imagine Beanie would be at every show he could, waiting to rob them cats time after time. Like the industry's personal Deebo.
I'm sure we've all heard that LOX are releasing their next album on Bad Boy, after quelling their feud. & Puff & Jay have been hanging out with each other lately. & Puffy Combs is the devil. & Jay-Z worships the devil. If Jay is bringing 50 into this realm, do the math. If Beyonce starts singing Aaliyah songs, I'm getting the fuck out of dodge.
Stay tuned as this drama unfolds.
Monday, November 30, 2009
Beanie Sigel: Before He Self Destructs
Damn. It's been about a month or so, & Beanie Sigel is making good on his promise of keeping his "foot on Jay-Z's neck". For all those who say it's for attention/promotion/career jump start, I'd be hard pressed to disagree at this point. Jay-Z has yet to respond, though. It kinda reminds me of the last "argument" I got into with my baby mom's. She yelled & screamed, in front of a church no less, even worked up some tears, telling me I don't do shit for my kids. Even though my daughter was living with me at the time. Odd, no? That type of blind flailing is always indicative of attention seeking melodrama, with little to no substance. Once I didn't respond-just looked as bewildered as I was pissed-she stomped to her car & drove away. Yeah, this Beanie/Jay situation is reminding me a lot like a scorned women's misguided passion...
"I'm looking for a response. I know I'm a bully but it ain't no fun if he don't swing back. Swing back, man."
-Beanie Sigel
I've come across a slew of bullies in my life. I've never heard one say "swing back, man." Bullies lack the nobility it takes to allow said bullying to be competitive. That would be like, instead of him taking your lunch money, he just stands there while you order yours, then tells you want he wants. A bully's sole intention is to discredit your humanity, one "punch" at a time. If Beans was really bullying Jay, he wouldn't want a response. Carusso doesn't slap Chris' books out of his hand, call him "Hambone", then hang around for a rebuttal. Instead he keeps walking, & does the same type shit the next day. Beans wouldn't taunt us with the possibility of information that would change the way Jay's perceived, if he was a true bully. That would've been the concept of the first track. 50's a bully. George H. W. Bush is a bully. Hell, for that matter Judge Judy is a bully. You think 'The Gooch' ever took his foot outta Arnold Jackson's ass & told him to do something back? No dice. Beans may need to watch some 'Everybody Hates Chris' & 'Diff'rent Strokes', respectively, take some notes & rethink his position.
At this juncture, this is really beginning to seem like a one-sided lover's quarrel. Peep the "delusional" factor. Anybody with the displeasure of having a B.M. knows that they have impressive imaginations. Some going as far as alleging abuse, & when DCS finds no tangible evidence to continue the case, the B.M. insists that paid professionals don't know what they're doing. Amazing, right? For the sake of their own "sanity", their irrational thinking must constantly evolve. Delusions, illusions, & fantasies play a large part in fueling their hatred. God forbid they gain some insight to the truth, & realize that maybe, their mind's just playing tricks on them.
"I played music for Jay, when I was working on The Solution album...There were song concepts on there. I had a song on that joint with no hook on it. I told him it didn't need no hook on it. He got a song 'I don't need no hook for this shit.' I had a song on there called 'Prayer,' he got a song called 'Pray.'"
-Beanie Sigel
If I had a nickel for every time some rap dude said something I said or told to somebody else, I'd have enough dough to buy a Bentley. I'd pull up to the lot in a U-Haul, open the cargo door & make it rain loose change. As complex & intricate as music can be, rap seems to gravitate to a limited amount of subjects. Sure, praying isn't that popular on the list, but DMX can say the same thing to Beans, if he wasn't busy continuing his legacy of crack-ish behaviors. & didn't Jermaine Dupri, or St. Lunatics or Nelly come out with a song entitled 'No Hooks' or 'What The Hook Gon' Be?' or something? Now had Beans let Jay hear a song about him losing his virginity, & Jay released a joint called 'My First Time', then that may be grounds for plagerism. Otherwise, it comes off more paranoid schizophrenia, less copyright infringement.
& just like my B.M. screaming "Bloody Murder!" in front of the Lord's duplex, Beans now wants to air out their differences for the world to see. Why? Nobody at the church stopped what they were doing to pay closer attention, even though I know for a fact that those folks were nosier than a motherfucker. Of the fist full of people who know about this "beef", probably only half of them are genuinely interested in it. It's one thing to have something to talk about via the 'Net on a boring Thursday afternoon, but it's something totally different to tune in & watch two grown men discuss why one is so miffed at the other, let alone settle their differences. According to Beans though, this is the only way this dispute can be settled:
"We gotta do it televised now. [The beef]'ll be over but our face to face conversation gotta be televised because the public wanna know. They deserve to know. The people wanna know. You gotta understand, there was people across the world that were putting up that dynasty sign, who believed in that Roc La Familia."
-Beanie Sigel
The only people who'd watch that shit, even if it were on public access television, are the same people who go to Ross or Marshall's to bulk up their already intense State Property wardrobe collection. & maybe Memphis Bleek. That same delusion has Beans pulling other niggas into the fray, but not even for his defense! He's literally finding Jay reinforcements.
"They say he got a record [that's] supposed to come out, the remix to that "New York" ['Empire State of Mind'] shit. He poppin' shots at me. He poppin' shots at 50. But, he put Nas on the record hoping that a nigga will respond to it and come at Nas. Nas gon' come right back. He's not gonna hold no punches. He's gon' come right back. He should come right back, but look at the moves. I seen it."
-Beanie Sigel
What the fuck is he talking about? Out of Jay, 50, Beanie, & NaS, NaS is probably the most likely to go all out. Why invite him to the party? Dude's in a real low place right now, between his ex-wife & bad career choices, & since we know pain births creativity, I'd expect nothing less than NaS laying a mushroom cloud the size of Texas at Beans' doorstep. We all know NaS' personal business already, so he literally has nothing to lose from a neo-digital rap beef. I wouldn't be surprised if he secretly offered up the goods on Kelis, in hopes of Beans taking her down a couple of pegs in the process. I would. But, like a baby momma, Beans obviously isn't thinking clearly. Jay-Z might be too far removed from the hunger of Hip Hip to respond, but NaS is in the same position Beans is in; in need of a career boost. The difference is that NaS is talented & has a legacy to uphold. Maybe Beanie should've named HIS album 'Before I Self Destruct'...
I doubt this whole fiasco will make it's way to TMZ any time soon, but for those of us Hip Hop heads who have a vested interest in the bruhaha, we'll be staying tuned. I'm sure this will pass, but I hope for Beans' sake that he takes this chance & mediocre buzz to get his name back out on the rap curcuit. As far as I can see it, 50 is winning. Getting his best "Don King" impersonation on, & keeping his name in our mouths as usual. I'm never mad at capitalizing, even when it's a bully doing it.
"I'm looking for a response. I know I'm a bully but it ain't no fun if he don't swing back. Swing back, man."
-Beanie Sigel
I've come across a slew of bullies in my life. I've never heard one say "swing back, man." Bullies lack the nobility it takes to allow said bullying to be competitive. That would be like, instead of him taking your lunch money, he just stands there while you order yours, then tells you want he wants. A bully's sole intention is to discredit your humanity, one "punch" at a time. If Beans was really bullying Jay, he wouldn't want a response. Carusso doesn't slap Chris' books out of his hand, call him "Hambone", then hang around for a rebuttal. Instead he keeps walking, & does the same type shit the next day. Beans wouldn't taunt us with the possibility of information that would change the way Jay's perceived, if he was a true bully. That would've been the concept of the first track. 50's a bully. George H. W. Bush is a bully. Hell, for that matter Judge Judy is a bully. You think 'The Gooch' ever took his foot outta Arnold Jackson's ass & told him to do something back? No dice. Beans may need to watch some 'Everybody Hates Chris' & 'Diff'rent Strokes', respectively, take some notes & rethink his position.
At this juncture, this is really beginning to seem like a one-sided lover's quarrel. Peep the "delusional" factor. Anybody with the displeasure of having a B.M. knows that they have impressive imaginations. Some going as far as alleging abuse, & when DCS finds no tangible evidence to continue the case, the B.M. insists that paid professionals don't know what they're doing. Amazing, right? For the sake of their own "sanity", their irrational thinking must constantly evolve. Delusions, illusions, & fantasies play a large part in fueling their hatred. God forbid they gain some insight to the truth, & realize that maybe, their mind's just playing tricks on them.
"I played music for Jay, when I was working on The Solution album...There were song concepts on there. I had a song on that joint with no hook on it. I told him it didn't need no hook on it. He got a song 'I don't need no hook for this shit.' I had a song on there called 'Prayer,' he got a song called 'Pray.'"
-Beanie Sigel
If I had a nickel for every time some rap dude said something I said or told to somebody else, I'd have enough dough to buy a Bentley. I'd pull up to the lot in a U-Haul, open the cargo door & make it rain loose change. As complex & intricate as music can be, rap seems to gravitate to a limited amount of subjects. Sure, praying isn't that popular on the list, but DMX can say the same thing to Beans, if he wasn't busy continuing his legacy of crack-ish behaviors. & didn't Jermaine Dupri, or St. Lunatics or Nelly come out with a song entitled 'No Hooks' or 'What The Hook Gon' Be?' or something? Now had Beans let Jay hear a song about him losing his virginity, & Jay released a joint called 'My First Time', then that may be grounds for plagerism. Otherwise, it comes off more paranoid schizophrenia, less copyright infringement.
& just like my B.M. screaming "Bloody Murder!" in front of the Lord's duplex, Beans now wants to air out their differences for the world to see. Why? Nobody at the church stopped what they were doing to pay closer attention, even though I know for a fact that those folks were nosier than a motherfucker. Of the fist full of people who know about this "beef", probably only half of them are genuinely interested in it. It's one thing to have something to talk about via the 'Net on a boring Thursday afternoon, but it's something totally different to tune in & watch two grown men discuss why one is so miffed at the other, let alone settle their differences. According to Beans though, this is the only way this dispute can be settled:
"We gotta do it televised now. [The beef]'ll be over but our face to face conversation gotta be televised because the public wanna know. They deserve to know. The people wanna know. You gotta understand, there was people across the world that were putting up that dynasty sign, who believed in that Roc La Familia."
-Beanie Sigel
The only people who'd watch that shit, even if it were on public access television, are the same people who go to Ross or Marshall's to bulk up their already intense State Property wardrobe collection. & maybe Memphis Bleek. That same delusion has Beans pulling other niggas into the fray, but not even for his defense! He's literally finding Jay reinforcements.
"They say he got a record [that's] supposed to come out, the remix to that "New York" ['Empire State of Mind'] shit. He poppin' shots at me. He poppin' shots at 50. But, he put Nas on the record hoping that a nigga will respond to it and come at Nas. Nas gon' come right back. He's not gonna hold no punches. He's gon' come right back. He should come right back, but look at the moves. I seen it."
-Beanie Sigel
What the fuck is he talking about? Out of Jay, 50, Beanie, & NaS, NaS is probably the most likely to go all out. Why invite him to the party? Dude's in a real low place right now, between his ex-wife & bad career choices, & since we know pain births creativity, I'd expect nothing less than NaS laying a mushroom cloud the size of Texas at Beans' doorstep. We all know NaS' personal business already, so he literally has nothing to lose from a neo-digital rap beef. I wouldn't be surprised if he secretly offered up the goods on Kelis, in hopes of Beans taking her down a couple of pegs in the process. I would. But, like a baby momma, Beans obviously isn't thinking clearly. Jay-Z might be too far removed from the hunger of Hip Hip to respond, but NaS is in the same position Beans is in; in need of a career boost. The difference is that NaS is talented & has a legacy to uphold. Maybe Beanie should've named HIS album 'Before I Self Destruct'...
I doubt this whole fiasco will make it's way to TMZ any time soon, but for those of us Hip Hop heads who have a vested interest in the bruhaha, we'll be staying tuned. I'm sure this will pass, but I hope for Beans' sake that he takes this chance & mediocre buzz to get his name back out on the rap curcuit. As far as I can see it, 50 is winning. Getting his best "Don King" impersonation on, & keeping his name in our mouths as usual. I'm never mad at capitalizing, even when it's a bully doing it.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Rap Crap: The Beef Edition
How come no rappers have fought yet? Really though. With the amount of beef circulating though Hip Hop, all the WWF-esque tactics that have gained popularity over the 'Nets, & all the blatant disrespect, you'd think that somebody would've gotten their ass handed to them by now. Sure, a WorldStarHipHop clip with some disgruntled weed carrier holding a gun & barking at the camera is entertaining, but how much of a point does that prove? That energy would better be spent throwing rocks at random rich nigga whips, in hopes that the target is in one of them.
Now, it's obvious that some beef is just a couple of blow hards exchanging witty unpleasantries (see Jay-Z/NaS or Kanye West/Taylor Swift), & I don't expect it to go any further than slapping & scratching, per se. Kind of like Michael Jackson's 'Beat It' video; you knew damn well none of those dudes were going to stab anybody, & run the risk of messing up their mascara. Eminem/Nick Cannon is one of those where, although physical threats have been made, I don't see it going beyond amusing little videos & blog disses. I'd put my money on Mariah slapping the shit out of Marshall backstage at a video awards show before Nick ever Tae-Bo's the rapper. Nick is like the consummate stand-up guy, & for that stereotype alone, he should've stepped to Em. Instead, he rattled off rants about Marshall being racist, as if Nick is any Blacker than Marshall. No dice.
Others are just a couple of guys, reaching middle age & wanting to show the world that Hollywood hasn't sprinkled fairy dust on them completely yet (Ice Cube/Common), or a situation where an older, seemingly out of touch MC is threatened by a younger, more virile MC & has to defend his position (LL Cool J/Canibus).
Some "beef" is the chosen vehicle for whatever unknown douche nozzle rapster thinks that swinging blindly at the competition will garner them popularity. 50 Cent's 'How To Rob A Industry Nigga' is the successful anomaly to this group, & it almost worked for a group back in the days called 'Illegal', who came out blazing at Another Bad Creation, Da Youngstas & Kris Kross. But with not one mustache between the entire bunch, spectators didn't trust them or watch for very long. & 50 has based an entire, successful career around that ethos. & I won't even go in on Jay-Z/50/Beanie Sigel/Game. That particular beef is being dissected everywhere right now, my 2 cents wouldn't even register. But 50 has single handedly changed the face of rap beef, taking it away from the recorded disses & darts & bringing it to cats' houses. Literally. His most memorable, yet distasteful, was sending his goons to videotape a rival's (DJ Khalid) mother asleep at her workplace. Oy vey.
Arguably, the illest rap beef ever was Tupac Shakur versus Notorious B.I.G., simply because of the outcome. Not so much that the so-called war was especially spectacular, but the surrounding dramas were eventful, & outcome was devastating, like the Vietnam War.
Then, some dudes have actual problems with one another, & thusly, some type of fist fight should've occurred already. Take 50 Cent & Game. The longer I don't here about them running into each other & boxing, is the more I don't believe they really have beef. Or Young Jeezy/Gucci Mane, a beef that extends beyond diss records & subliminal darts over banging tracks. There was an actual altercation, that has already left a man dead by Gucci's own hands. I grew up in South L.A., where niggas die. Hopefully those two brothers can be men, fight if necessary, but come to a conclusion to their problems for the safety of all parties involved. As far as the 50 Cent/Rick Ross fiasco, if I were Ross, I'd be hitting the gym daily, still recording (the better) music like I've been doing, but at this point in their bromance, Ross can't do or say anything to this man that can't be said through an ass whooping. 50 has teased & taunted this dude in ways that would've broken a weaker man long ago. I've often suggested that Rick is possibly the dumbest guy in Hip Hop, & by that standard, he's unable to fathom what Curtis does. Even still, it's about time to punch him in the nose, even if Rick does get his ass kicked. It can't be any worse than what 50's been doing all this time.
I'm not advocating any beef whatsoever, but, for all the mouth running & show boating, I sure do wish somebody would fight already. We remember fighting, what dudes with problems with each other did before cowards started throwing bullets instead of punches? I've said it before, & I'll say it again; Hip Hop is the only genre where you make enemies as quickly, if not more so, as fans. Other forms of music are just competitive, everybody wants to be the "winner", everybody wants to make the big checks & bring home numerous trophies from irrelevant, redundant award shows, yet, I'm positive that Carrie Underwood won't be dedicating any studio time to telling Taylor Swift that she sucks as a singer & her parents are closet racists. There's plenty of social stigmas as to why this is so, & all the psycho-babble in the world can't help me to understand why rappers feel they have to shit on each others space boots to get ahead. Back when I was under the impression that I could make noise on the rap scene, some nameless buffoon started beefing with me, & for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what his deal was. In hindsight, it was probably the same thing that other cats do, where they see an opportunity to piggyback another man in order to further their "career". But, the jokes on him, because I stopped rapping (sort of).
The thing with rappers fighting is that we know it won't progress to any street-level bullshit, & I doubt a cat would press charges. Domestic laws wouldn't apply if two "famous" jerks bumped heads in the parking lot of the Louis Vuitton store. So, why not? The era of the "diss record" has about run it's course, & frankly, it's about time for it to be taken to the next echelon, or abandoned altogether. Hip Hop is a completely different sport now than it was when I was coming up.
[tony's note: i'm sure I forgot some "important" beefs. feel free to remind me.]
Now, it's obvious that some beef is just a couple of blow hards exchanging witty unpleasantries (see Jay-Z/NaS or Kanye West/Taylor Swift), & I don't expect it to go any further than slapping & scratching, per se. Kind of like Michael Jackson's 'Beat It' video; you knew damn well none of those dudes were going to stab anybody, & run the risk of messing up their mascara. Eminem/Nick Cannon is one of those where, although physical threats have been made, I don't see it going beyond amusing little videos & blog disses. I'd put my money on Mariah slapping the shit out of Marshall backstage at a video awards show before Nick ever Tae-Bo's the rapper. Nick is like the consummate stand-up guy, & for that stereotype alone, he should've stepped to Em. Instead, he rattled off rants about Marshall being racist, as if Nick is any Blacker than Marshall. No dice.
Others are just a couple of guys, reaching middle age & wanting to show the world that Hollywood hasn't sprinkled fairy dust on them completely yet (Ice Cube/Common), or a situation where an older, seemingly out of touch MC is threatened by a younger, more virile MC & has to defend his position (LL Cool J/Canibus).
Some "beef" is the chosen vehicle for whatever unknown douche nozzle rapster thinks that swinging blindly at the competition will garner them popularity. 50 Cent's 'How To Rob A Industry Nigga' is the successful anomaly to this group, & it almost worked for a group back in the days called 'Illegal', who came out blazing at Another Bad Creation, Da Youngstas & Kris Kross. But with not one mustache between the entire bunch, spectators didn't trust them or watch for very long. & 50 has based an entire, successful career around that ethos. & I won't even go in on Jay-Z/50/Beanie Sigel/Game. That particular beef is being dissected everywhere right now, my 2 cents wouldn't even register. But 50 has single handedly changed the face of rap beef, taking it away from the recorded disses & darts & bringing it to cats' houses. Literally. His most memorable, yet distasteful, was sending his goons to videotape a rival's (DJ Khalid) mother asleep at her workplace. Oy vey.
Arguably, the illest rap beef ever was Tupac Shakur versus Notorious B.I.G., simply because of the outcome. Not so much that the so-called war was especially spectacular, but the surrounding dramas were eventful, & outcome was devastating, like the Vietnam War.
Then, some dudes have actual problems with one another, & thusly, some type of fist fight should've occurred already. Take 50 Cent & Game. The longer I don't here about them running into each other & boxing, is the more I don't believe they really have beef. Or Young Jeezy/Gucci Mane, a beef that extends beyond diss records & subliminal darts over banging tracks. There was an actual altercation, that has already left a man dead by Gucci's own hands. I grew up in South L.A., where niggas die. Hopefully those two brothers can be men, fight if necessary, but come to a conclusion to their problems for the safety of all parties involved. As far as the 50 Cent/Rick Ross fiasco, if I were Ross, I'd be hitting the gym daily, still recording (the better) music like I've been doing, but at this point in their bromance, Ross can't do or say anything to this man that can't be said through an ass whooping. 50 has teased & taunted this dude in ways that would've broken a weaker man long ago. I've often suggested that Rick is possibly the dumbest guy in Hip Hop, & by that standard, he's unable to fathom what Curtis does. Even still, it's about time to punch him in the nose, even if Rick does get his ass kicked. It can't be any worse than what 50's been doing all this time.
I'm not advocating any beef whatsoever, but, for all the mouth running & show boating, I sure do wish somebody would fight already. We remember fighting, what dudes with problems with each other did before cowards started throwing bullets instead of punches? I've said it before, & I'll say it again; Hip Hop is the only genre where you make enemies as quickly, if not more so, as fans. Other forms of music are just competitive, everybody wants to be the "winner", everybody wants to make the big checks & bring home numerous trophies from irrelevant, redundant award shows, yet, I'm positive that Carrie Underwood won't be dedicating any studio time to telling Taylor Swift that she sucks as a singer & her parents are closet racists. There's plenty of social stigmas as to why this is so, & all the psycho-babble in the world can't help me to understand why rappers feel they have to shit on each others space boots to get ahead. Back when I was under the impression that I could make noise on the rap scene, some nameless buffoon started beefing with me, & for the life of me, I couldn't figure out what his deal was. In hindsight, it was probably the same thing that other cats do, where they see an opportunity to piggyback another man in order to further their "career". But, the jokes on him, because I stopped rapping (sort of).
The thing with rappers fighting is that we know it won't progress to any street-level bullshit, & I doubt a cat would press charges. Domestic laws wouldn't apply if two "famous" jerks bumped heads in the parking lot of the Louis Vuitton store. So, why not? The era of the "diss record" has about run it's course, & frankly, it's about time for it to be taken to the next echelon, or abandoned altogether. Hip Hop is a completely different sport now than it was when I was coming up.
[tony's note: i'm sure I forgot some "important" beefs. feel free to remind me.]
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Sean Combs Wears Prada!
I've always said Puffy Combs was the devil ("Puffy Combs"-that sounds like a hair care product for chicks with bad perms). I've noticed lately that many people share my sentiment, ver batim. It's got to be more than coincidence that 2 of his flagship artists left his camp only to become religious zealots, one is dead, others have never been seen on the face of the Earth again (Craig Mack is not the type of nigga you'd walk past without noticing), one is still in Jail, one is fresh out of Prison, & the rest just dissipated into music irrelevance (including Bad Boy Records as a crew, a label & a motherfuckin' staff). & I'm not buying into any of that conspiracy theory rhetoric about "The Oath" & secret society propaganda, as if he sacrificed their respective lives to buy his baby momma a brand new car. But, I will buy into the possibility that dude, if not the Devil incarnate, is at least higher up on the totem pole of those who signed away their souls to become rich & famous beyond one's wildest dreams.
Seriously, I never understood exactly what dude's talent was. I do think he has an uncanny ability to hypnotize (no pun intended) people into buying his bullshit, though. By that theory, he would have been phenomenal at whatever profession he chose. Not to bring up Craig Mack again, but Puff convinced millions of people to look past what appeared to be a Halloween mask & focus on Mack's music. Tell me Craig Mack didn't scare one of your kids, nieces, pets, etc., & I'll call you a liar. That's "air conditioner in Alaska" salesmanship right there. I'll give him credit for having an "ear" for what sounds good, & having the gumption to make people his contractual worker bees. He even had clauses in his contracts where his own artists had to pay him to do cameos in videos & perform on their own songs. Unknowingly, said artists thought that Puff was showing them love by bullying his way onto their singles, when in actuality, he was padding his pockets. Genius.
Notorious B.I.G was growing hip to Puff's shady ways, but similar to Tupac, by the time enough wisdom was accrued to fight the proverbial power that was, his life was cut short. Some say Puff may have had something to do with it, & it's believable if only I thought Puff was as street smart as he is chattel savvy.
Now, he has a new opponent to face. Rapper Shyne, just released from an almost 10 year prison term, that he received as a result of showing Puff the kind of love that should never leave the streets. He attempted to kill another man. It's understandable, because Shyne's back story reads like an after school special, & when Puff sold him his diamond-encrusted bullshit, it had a chapter in it called "Love You Like A Little Brother". Puff apparently did, & Shyne bought it. So much so that Shyne jeopardized his bright, limitless future just to make sure that a particular guy would never disrespect Puff again. Well, the guy didn't die, & Shyne was arrested, along with Puffy.
Puff was never charged with any felonies, while Shyne was. On the advice of his equally as jackassed legal counsel, Puff even made sure the two had seperate lawyers for the trial. When it was all said & done, a free Puff disappeared back into the star-studded fog from which he emerged the day Foxy Brown introduced the two.
Which brings us to Shyne's release date last week, a day Puff probably thought about hard & often. How could he not? I know I have friends in the Pen right now, who I haven't written in months, & I know when these dudes come home, they'll have a bone to pick with me just because I didn't send them semi-nude pics from King magazine. I can't imagine what Puff may be thinking about. But, as only the Devil could do it, Shyne's freedom has taken a turn for the unusual, as he's being deported to Belize for improper citizenship. Something similar happened to Slick Rick after he tried to kill his cousin, back in the early 90's. They shipped him off to England, if only temporarily.
If Puff is smart, the effort he should've put into his little homie's legal trouble ten years ago, will come now. Undoubtedly Shyne has a bone to pick with Combs, but nothing quells deep-rooted disdain than a timely rescue, free of charge. Shyne's not the same young, street hood he was 10 years ago, but hey, I'm still mad that my son ate the big piece of chicken last Tuesday. So, I know Shyne is a bit miffed. &, if Puff doesn't take this opportunity to help Shyne now, like he should've then, he deserves every bit of Tupac-esque anger & hatred that will be coming his way. & we all know it's coming, it's just a matter of how & when. Internet clamor suggests that Shyne should beat the mink off of him, but that would surely be backwards hustling. I've even heard that, with the right legal team, Shyne can sue Puff for damages. But I say, dedicate an entire record to Puff's business dealings & lack of manhood when it comes to life in general. An audio tell-all book, if you will. Not only would Shyne sell some records (because face it, niggas love to hear about how much of a douche nozzle this jerk is), but he could vent his frustration in a way that wouldn't send him back to the stockade for a decade. If he does nothing at all but go back to Belize, fry up some plantain, & bone all the natives, he still wins because he handled his situation like a man, according to the No Snitch act of 2000.
Shyne's still young, & Hip Hop loves a rehabilitated convict with a story to tell, so I'm sure he'll be okay. Puff, on the other hand, has an unavoidable debt to settle with Satan.
Karma's a bitch & God is her father.Be careful, Puffy. It's cold outside.
Seriously, I never understood exactly what dude's talent was. I do think he has an uncanny ability to hypnotize (no pun intended) people into buying his bullshit, though. By that theory, he would have been phenomenal at whatever profession he chose. Not to bring up Craig Mack again, but Puff convinced millions of people to look past what appeared to be a Halloween mask & focus on Mack's music. Tell me Craig Mack didn't scare one of your kids, nieces, pets, etc., & I'll call you a liar. That's "air conditioner in Alaska" salesmanship right there. I'll give him credit for having an "ear" for what sounds good, & having the gumption to make people his contractual worker bees. He even had clauses in his contracts where his own artists had to pay him to do cameos in videos & perform on their own songs. Unknowingly, said artists thought that Puff was showing them love by bullying his way onto their singles, when in actuality, he was padding his pockets. Genius.
Notorious B.I.G was growing hip to Puff's shady ways, but similar to Tupac, by the time enough wisdom was accrued to fight the proverbial power that was, his life was cut short. Some say Puff may have had something to do with it, & it's believable if only I thought Puff was as street smart as he is chattel savvy.
Now, he has a new opponent to face. Rapper Shyne, just released from an almost 10 year prison term, that he received as a result of showing Puff the kind of love that should never leave the streets. He attempted to kill another man. It's understandable, because Shyne's back story reads like an after school special, & when Puff sold him his diamond-encrusted bullshit, it had a chapter in it called "Love You Like A Little Brother". Puff apparently did, & Shyne bought it. So much so that Shyne jeopardized his bright, limitless future just to make sure that a particular guy would never disrespect Puff again. Well, the guy didn't die, & Shyne was arrested, along with Puffy.
Puff was never charged with any felonies, while Shyne was. On the advice of his equally as jackassed legal counsel, Puff even made sure the two had seperate lawyers for the trial. When it was all said & done, a free Puff disappeared back into the star-studded fog from which he emerged the day Foxy Brown introduced the two.
Which brings us to Shyne's release date last week, a day Puff probably thought about hard & often. How could he not? I know I have friends in the Pen right now, who I haven't written in months, & I know when these dudes come home, they'll have a bone to pick with me just because I didn't send them semi-nude pics from King magazine. I can't imagine what Puff may be thinking about. But, as only the Devil could do it, Shyne's freedom has taken a turn for the unusual, as he's being deported to Belize for improper citizenship. Something similar happened to Slick Rick after he tried to kill his cousin, back in the early 90's. They shipped him off to England, if only temporarily.
If Puff is smart, the effort he should've put into his little homie's legal trouble ten years ago, will come now. Undoubtedly Shyne has a bone to pick with Combs, but nothing quells deep-rooted disdain than a timely rescue, free of charge. Shyne's not the same young, street hood he was 10 years ago, but hey, I'm still mad that my son ate the big piece of chicken last Tuesday. So, I know Shyne is a bit miffed. &, if Puff doesn't take this opportunity to help Shyne now, like he should've then, he deserves every bit of Tupac-esque anger & hatred that will be coming his way. & we all know it's coming, it's just a matter of how & when. Internet clamor suggests that Shyne should beat the mink off of him, but that would surely be backwards hustling. I've even heard that, with the right legal team, Shyne can sue Puff for damages. But I say, dedicate an entire record to Puff's business dealings & lack of manhood when it comes to life in general. An audio tell-all book, if you will. Not only would Shyne sell some records (because face it, niggas love to hear about how much of a douche nozzle this jerk is), but he could vent his frustration in a way that wouldn't send him back to the stockade for a decade. If he does nothing at all but go back to Belize, fry up some plantain, & bone all the natives, he still wins because he handled his situation like a man, according to the No Snitch act of 2000.
Shyne's still young, & Hip Hop loves a rehabilitated convict with a story to tell, so I'm sure he'll be okay. Puff, on the other hand, has an unavoidable debt to settle with Satan.
Karma's a bitch & God is her father.Be careful, Puffy. It's cold outside.
Monday, May 18, 2009
I can make you famous.
We all wanted to be famous at some point or another. I know I sure as hell did.
I planned on being the first rapping actor. Decades ago. After I reached the heights of celebrity status, I was going to teach a class on how to be the best icon one could be. No Dice. The closest I've ever gotten to super stardom was being the father of the most smart-mouthed girl in the second grade. But, I did get to sign autographs though. All over parent-teacher conference notices.
Obviously, I took a spot on the sidelines & have been an avid spectator ever since. As we all know, from here, you can see the whole game. The best coaches do so from their recliners, with their drug(s) of choice at hand. I was watching an episode of "I Love Lucy" (best show ever, btw) this morning, & I noticed that the best ones were where Lucy was trying to help Rick's career by creating some lame ass publicity stunt. Good intentions, bad results, like getting married because of pregnancy.
Now I'm thinking about the whole "beef" in hip hop controversy deal. More often than not, the public declares "pub stunt!" when a couple of artists start throwing darts at one another. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But, I've been alive long enough to know that scientifically, some folks just don't mesh well, like wives & babymommas. But, assuming the "beef" scenarios are stunts, why not kick it up a notch, a la Lucy McGuillocutty Ricardo.
I say Balls to the Wall [||].
They want autographs, give them autographs. Walk through the mall, nude as a newborn with nothing but a bright red Sharpie. The fine you'll receive for Indecent Exposure would fail in comparison to the amount of fans that draws. You might even get some sweet action in a public restroom. This particular stunt is geared more towards the men, because we wouldn't want any ladies being gang-raped at the food court. While it would make for the most akward porno ever, it just wouldn't be a good look for whatever city she represents. Body grooming for such an excursion is optional, but if they don't recognize you for whatever talent you've been showing, there's always the off-chance that some tourists might mistake you for Bigfoot. Or the worlds most hairless man. Either or, someone will be talking about you by dinnertime.
Public intox is always a crowd pleaser also. Not drunk driving, I don't condone that, but taking the family out to Disneyland, completely hammered would be the "TMZ" moment those pesky paps search for. The guy in the Mickey Mouse costume may be used to kids kicking him about the thigh & shins, but imagine a 20-something year old man dry-humping his hind quarters. Good times. But not just there; everywhere. 7-eleven. Walmart. Chuck E. Cheese's. Church. Kind of like a One Man Show, except incoherent & throw-upy.
Hell, I'll even take a page from Jim Jones' *dusts off paper* book of fame. Have one of your baggage handlers keep a camera phone ready at all times. Be your own paparazzi. There's always one guy willing to do anything to be down with the "movement". So, slap him around, record it, send it to YouTube, Myspace, WSHH, vimeo & before you know it, you'll be the douche you aim to be known as. With the right coersion, you may even have a buddy willing to let you shoot him in the ass, granted the gun isn't more than a .22. It worked for the guy in the movie "Notorious".
Controversy sells, this we know. But all I'm saying is be the master of your destiny. If you can properly commandeer these talents, your actual talents can be meh at best & you'll still blow the eff up. Anyone who dares to challenge my theory, I ask you; what the hell did Paris Hilton do to become so popular? How does one have their own perfume without any sort of skill whatsoever? I know plenty of girls who sleep around & the last thing I would want is for my significant other to smell like those broads.
Take note, all you fame chasers. It's 5% skill, 25% luck & 70% what you do with it.
& be advised, only the most talented of performers 15 minutes extend beyond the time limit. Inevitable scrutiny & short attention spans demand that the "It" person of the moment be replaced more rapidly than a prostitute's pantyliner. You MUST give the public what they want. Stupidity, idiocy, Tom Foolery, & in some more advanced cases, nigtastic shuck & jive coupled with coontrocities beyond belief. Like thanking slave masters for one's success. Or opening schools in a African wastelands while there's a 40% drop out rate here in the USA. Trust me, the boundaries are limitless.
So, stop sitting around hoping that the world is waiting anxiously for your skill set to be unsheathed. That probably won't happen. But, with a little know-how, TMZ will be broadcasting your personal life, thus making yours a household name. & for the record, same-sex kissing & amateur porn are yesterday's news. Time to step your game up. America loves a psychopath.
Your audience awaits.......
I planned on being the first rapping actor. Decades ago. After I reached the heights of celebrity status, I was going to teach a class on how to be the best icon one could be. No Dice. The closest I've ever gotten to super stardom was being the father of the most smart-mouthed girl in the second grade. But, I did get to sign autographs though. All over parent-teacher conference notices.
Obviously, I took a spot on the sidelines & have been an avid spectator ever since. As we all know, from here, you can see the whole game. The best coaches do so from their recliners, with their drug(s) of choice at hand. I was watching an episode of "I Love Lucy" (best show ever, btw) this morning, & I noticed that the best ones were where Lucy was trying to help Rick's career by creating some lame ass publicity stunt. Good intentions, bad results, like getting married because of pregnancy.
Now I'm thinking about the whole "beef" in hip hop controversy deal. More often than not, the public declares "pub stunt!" when a couple of artists start throwing darts at one another. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But, I've been alive long enough to know that scientifically, some folks just don't mesh well, like wives & babymommas. But, assuming the "beef" scenarios are stunts, why not kick it up a notch, a la Lucy McGuillocutty Ricardo.
I say Balls to the Wall [||].
They want autographs, give them autographs. Walk through the mall, nude as a newborn with nothing but a bright red Sharpie. The fine you'll receive for Indecent Exposure would fail in comparison to the amount of fans that draws. You might even get some sweet action in a public restroom. This particular stunt is geared more towards the men, because we wouldn't want any ladies being gang-raped at the food court. While it would make for the most akward porno ever, it just wouldn't be a good look for whatever city she represents. Body grooming for such an excursion is optional, but if they don't recognize you for whatever talent you've been showing, there's always the off-chance that some tourists might mistake you for Bigfoot. Or the worlds most hairless man. Either or, someone will be talking about you by dinnertime.
Public intox is always a crowd pleaser also. Not drunk driving, I don't condone that, but taking the family out to Disneyland, completely hammered would be the "TMZ" moment those pesky paps search for. The guy in the Mickey Mouse costume may be used to kids kicking him about the thigh & shins, but imagine a 20-something year old man dry-humping his hind quarters. Good times. But not just there; everywhere. 7-eleven. Walmart. Chuck E. Cheese's. Church. Kind of like a One Man Show, except incoherent & throw-upy.
Hell, I'll even take a page from Jim Jones' *dusts off paper* book of fame. Have one of your baggage handlers keep a camera phone ready at all times. Be your own paparazzi. There's always one guy willing to do anything to be down with the "movement". So, slap him around, record it, send it to YouTube, Myspace, WSHH, vimeo & before you know it, you'll be the douche you aim to be known as. With the right coersion, you may even have a buddy willing to let you shoot him in the ass, granted the gun isn't more than a .22. It worked for the guy in the movie "Notorious".
Controversy sells, this we know. But all I'm saying is be the master of your destiny. If you can properly commandeer these talents, your actual talents can be meh at best & you'll still blow the eff up. Anyone who dares to challenge my theory, I ask you; what the hell did Paris Hilton do to become so popular? How does one have their own perfume without any sort of skill whatsoever? I know plenty of girls who sleep around & the last thing I would want is for my significant other to smell like those broads.
Take note, all you fame chasers. It's 5% skill, 25% luck & 70% what you do with it.
& be advised, only the most talented of performers 15 minutes extend beyond the time limit. Inevitable scrutiny & short attention spans demand that the "It" person of the moment be replaced more rapidly than a prostitute's pantyliner. You MUST give the public what they want. Stupidity, idiocy, Tom Foolery, & in some more advanced cases, nigtastic shuck & jive coupled with coontrocities beyond belief. Like thanking slave masters for one's success. Or opening schools in a African wastelands while there's a 40% drop out rate here in the USA. Trust me, the boundaries are limitless.
So, stop sitting around hoping that the world is waiting anxiously for your skill set to be unsheathed. That probably won't happen. But, with a little know-how, TMZ will be broadcasting your personal life, thus making yours a household name. & for the record, same-sex kissing & amateur porn are yesterday's news. Time to step your game up. America loves a psychopath.
Your audience awaits.......
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