Fact, Fantasy, Fiddy, & Freddy...

*puts on bulletproof vest*


I like 50 Cent, the rapper. I really don't think he's that bad at what he does. He brags, boasts, fronts, stunts, flosses, shines & all the other coontastic buffoonery that makes a successful gangsta rapper. What he eats doesn't make me shit, & like the next man, I'm a sucker for an aggressive beat & suggestive lyrics. Throw in the requisite gun references & misogyny, & I'm sold. Coincidentally, I like Rick Ross, the rapper, for the same exact reasoning. Irrational, subversive fantasy.


See, I believe a lot of people have forgotten that, along with being a contact sport, Hip Hop is entertainment. Would Muhammad Ali have been as popular if he didn't bust a rap when reporters asked him questions? Would Iron Mike have been so much fun to listen to if he didn't attempt to use mutli-syllabic words surrounded by that hilarious lisp? Professional wrestling, anyone? Too much emphasis is put on the reality of the rap world, when the reality of the rap world is based on fiction. I never heard one person call out Will Smith when he rapped about stealing his Dad's "brand new Porshe". We all knew that was bullshit, because if it was my Dad, I'd be blogging from one of those Steven Hawkins machines. & he wasn't called a fraud when he told us Freddy was trying to gut him, on his street, as if I'm to believe Fredrick Kruger moved to Philadelphia. The only Black kid Freddy worried about was that one fat dude in that mental hospital, who was friend's with that heroin addict broad. Remember Freddy's finger knives became syringes? & home chick's track marks started freaking out! Oh shit, I know y'all remember that episode! That was the same one when he turned to kids into roaches, & trapped them like the 'Roach Motel' commercial!


"...but that don't come out."


Sorry, I digress. Why now then does that matter so much? By today's "standards", Kool Keith is the biggest lie Hip Hop has ever sold us. This nigga says he visits other planets, & has sex with 5 women at once. In his defense though, he made some pornos, so yeah, there's that.


When I do happen to have the debate on who's real or fake in Hip Hop, I always come to the same conclusion; I couldn't give a fuck less. Not to mention, if I decide to spend hard earned recession dollars on a concert outing, the last person I want to see is some maniac madman who, by his own repeated admission, is probably going to kill me & everyone I came with. If I were to take rap dudes seriously, I wouldn't want to run into them at the mall, or at the beach, or the barbershop, because quicker than I would recognize them, there'd be a shoot out, hammers popping left & right, weed holders chopping down niggas like trees, for absolutely no logical reason at all.


Hip Hop two biggest bad guys, 50 & Ross, aren't hated for lack of skill, or inability to entertain. It's because they are arguably the biggest douche nozzle's in the business. Ross is a delusional liar (lying about what he did do, as opposed to what he didn't to, if you follow me) & 50 is the consummate cyber bully who should've stopped when he acquired his mark (Law of Power, #47). Both of these men have proven they possess the talent to sell records, but stubborn arrogance is a quality I don't like in my salesmen. You ever go shoe shopping, where the guy helping you was such a pretentious dick waggle that you didn't get the kicks you wanted? Right, you smell my cologne then.


In an era where 11 year olds ask for MP3 players as Christmas presents, one would have to really give the consumer a reason to buy physical CD's. Especially when the bulk of today's musical content is centered around dance songs &/or silly pop cultural references (I'm waiting on Kid Cudi or Lupe Fiasco to do a song based on the 'Twilight' movies), & is as accessible a free porn. Gangsta music basically ran it's course throughout the latter half of the 90's, with only a handful truly carrying on tradition today. Even Scarface & Ice Cube called it a wrap quite some time ago, & started seeking executive positions. Perhaps it's time 50 did the same, for real, & not by claiming to be the boss, yet dropping a verse on his artists' albums like Puff Devil Combs. In all seriousness, 50 has enough asshole charm to be the next Byron Allen or Aresenio Hall. I'd watch him make other, less famous people uncomfortable, in between nonsensical jokes & sips of lukewarm water.


Ross still has a way to go before he can truly claim to have an empire, so he's not yet worthy of my advice. But, judging by 50's latest record sales, in comparison to his previous ones, there's an obvious glitch in his matrix. So, 50, if you're reading this, throw on some tight jeans, start smoking weed all day every, & perhaps in a year's time, you'll begin to reel us back into your universe. Or, you can just become a male stripper & take the table dancing community by storm with Game. I'm sure he still has connections with his old "business partners".