Are You Guccified?

Gucci Mane is easily the most popular rapper right now. Ugh. Next to the dump truck loads of hate that T.I. is receiving for an early, early release, Gucci Gucci stays in people's mouths (no prison humor).


Not since Lil Wayne's proverbial apex roughly 2 years ago has there been such an even playing field of adoration & loathing. Really though, Gucci is one of only 2 rap acts on the Billboard top ten, as of today, or something like that. Don't quote me. Funny thing, I've only heard his music twice; on a family trip to Shreveport, Louisiana, where I don't necessarily expect them to know any better (no shots, but you should see some of their street lights), & at a DMV picnic, the perfect culmination of food, liquor & ignorance. Imagine the horror that surged my veins when I saw 8 year olds shaking their future thong holders to Gucci explaining the different ways he can beat up a vagina. My word, not his. Actually, there was one other time, but I didn't know it was Gooch until later. There was 3 extremely greasy young cats, smoking weed in their car, bouncing around & repeating "I'm the shit, bitch!" in time with the music. They couldn't have been older than 18, with their neon clad t-shirts & untamed multi-mullets. But, they looked like those 90 year old ladies who, when they get the Holy Ghost, James Brown up & down the church aisles. Silly, out-of-touch me, I had know idea what the big deal was, but my curiosity was piqued as they drove away in their Kia Sportage. Yeah, a Sportage, so they were probably gay too, in addition to being receptive to awesomely horrid "music". When I found out that was a Gucci Mane song, the puzzle pieces began to take shape. Those poor kids were being Guccified, right before my very eyes. Had I have known that then, I would've lunged into that little car, & attempted to rescue them from their fate. By now though, they've probably already gotten eyebrow & neck tattoos, & more neon shirts. Raekwon help us all.


I believe, in order to be a pop icon, there has to be an unlimited amount of ignorance within ink-covered arms distance. Remember how there was that one retarded kid at your school who EVERYBODY knew? Even the bullies, barely above him academically, had mad love for that critter. It's that same neanderthal appeal that draws massive amounts of clearly sane people into these pop culture phenomenons, subsequently lowering their standards & expectations to become part of the movement. Gucci Mane is as clearly a celebrity as he is a fool, so why would his celebration be any different? Answer: it's not.


Congratulations! You've been Guccified.


Nowadays, all the things that made a rapper an "MC" have been forsaken, lost, forgotten & replaced by the cloak of douchbaggery. Skills have taken a back seat to finance. When the argument is made that Gucci obviously lacks said skill set, the response in most cases is a warm-hearted, "Stop hatin', bitch! Gucci gettin' all dat paypah, fuck boy!". Or something to that effect. Talent is now overshadowed by appearance. Like a preacher; never mind how sincere his message may, or may not be, what truly matters how nice his suit & watch are, or in some cases, how fancy his robe is. Gucci is so high up on the "look at me" ladder that he doesn't even need to wear shirts. No clothing manufacturer's wares/wears can exemplify, or contain, such a tremendous amount of nigganometry. Seriously, Gucci is so hood that his magical tattoos probably incinerate shirts as soon as they touch his canvas-y flesh. Or maybe I'm over thinking it, & to him, it's not worth the hassle of pulling a $500 scmedium tee over your arms when they're covered with Wonder Woman bracelets & 2-3 divers watches.


[tony's note: gotta love that irony of divers watches on niggas that don't swim...]


For all Gucci Mane's mono-syllabic word play & modernized shuck & jive (complete with "chains & whips"), he seem cognizant enough to have embraced the concept of "hate". There are hordes, legions if you will, of anti-Gucci Maners, who spout nothing more than his hopeful demise. Publicity is publicity, whether good or abundantly bad. & on some level, he must understand that if one takes the time to say, or type "Fuck Gucci", then they have, in essence, taken the time to say, or type "Fuck Gucci". If he doesnt, then he wouldn't have so much zing in his voice when he scoffs at the haters who make him so, umm, popular. Dig, if X-amount of people continuously tell me how bad something is, at some point, if only out of sheer boredom, I'm going to try it at least once. Like the time I boned a really skinny girl just because I'd heard how unsatisfying an experience it would be.


[tony's other note: do not try that at home...]


My big homie Combat Jack had a drop on Daily-Math.com about how enamored he'd become with Gucci, against his will. Although I value his opinion as much as Dallas Penn's, I wasn't quite sold on giving G. Mane a voluntary listen until I got to the comments of the drop. "Wow", I thought aloud. 95% of the responses made this guy sound like the worst rapper ever. So naturally, I set aside any preconceived notions one would have about a nigga named "Gucci Mane", & gave him another shot. The music wasn't that bad. The music, meaning the instrumentation, production & mix-down of the song, mind you. The lyrics, however, made me feel like I forfeited my junior & senior years in high school. I found myself thinking twice before using any words with less than 3 syllables for the duration of that day. In his defense, though, I've never heard him say that he's the best rapper alive, or anything remotely close. I'm sure he'd confess to being extraordinarily mediocre, if his lexicon allowed either word. & I'm positive he couldn't care less about not having that accolade. Him receiving the newest cover of XXL doesn't help matters either, because there's undoubtedly a nation of under achieving up-&-coming rappers who'll follow his mold, without ever once attempting to be clever on the mic. & every time they see him count a stack of dough, or yank one of his slave chains in gaudy, tastless defiance, they'll lick their lips, knowing that the rap game ain't what it used to be.


Gucci Mane's success stems largely from his buffoonish behavior reaching comical levels. One would be hard pressed not to note that everytime he has an important album release date pending, he has an equally, if not more so, important court date looming as well. Coincidence? Possibly. Hilarious? Without a doubt. America's love affair for such stupidity is nothing new, but Hip Hop was an untapped resource for such idiocy about 15 years ago. Now, rappers provide just as much levity as Wee-man & Steve-O, back in their hey days, putting raw chickens in their adult diapers while wading a river chock with crocodiles. Imagine, as entertaining as "we" thought 50's online antics were over the last year or so, just imagine how funny it was to a room full of caucassian stuffed-shirts, who'd enjoy monkeys jumping around cages & throwing shit at each other just as much. If the monkey's hump trees, that's a bonus.


For what it's worth, God bless Gucci. I hope his success is long lasting. His kids should be straight, his bills should be paid, & just maybe he'll put all his profit to good use in his community. Yeah right. That nigga needs more jewelry & cars. He says so himself like, on every song. Even still, good luck & Godspeed Radrick, Dredrick, or whatever his momma named him.

The Back Road to Redemption

So, T.I., convict-turned-rapper-turned-convict, has turned himself in to Arkansas authorities to began his year-ish sentence yesterday, for gun charges. There's been a lot of clamor as to the specifics of his case, including snitching & judge/jury tampering, but that's neither here nor there at this point. & this point is, incarceration. He's locked up. Truthfully speaking, he shouldn't have a hard time in the bing. He's been there quite a few times that the public is aware of, & who knows about the trips to Juvenile Detention Hall, which I'm sure are just as numerous. No Judgment, I'm just saying. Don't get me wrong, I like his music somewhat, but seriously, that dude is a criminal.

Now, I know some criminals, & a handful of convicted felons. In fact, a healthy percentage of my immediate family is well versed on their "vacation" time. I'm very familiar with their way of life, & there's nothing "civilian" about it.

True story, a buddy of mine would come through all the time & hang out at the pad. He's never admitted it, but I believe he's killed at least once. & I'm not talking cockroaches or spiders. One day, the lock on my security door was broken. The only way in/out of the house was the back door. Its not a long walk around my meager abode, granted you're not morbidly obese & a cheeseburger away from cardiac arrest. But, my dude was in good shape, possibly from fleeing crime scenes so often. Joke. He came to the front door, & I informed him that the door was "locked" & that he had to come through the back door to get in. He said, "Bring me your tool bag". I took it outside, around the house, all appreciative that he was willing to help me out, but as he handy-man'd his way to fixing my lock, he went on & on about how he's spent so many years of his life locked inside, that he refuses to come inside my spot unless he can leave on his own terms. It was pathetically hilarious. Hours later, he fixed my door. All he asked for in return was some cigarettes. I offered him some beer, but in hindsight, I realized that he declined my offer because it would have violated his parole. & in other news, he's currently serving 7 years for robbery & ag. assault.

Point is, hardened criminals live in another world than us regular folks. Its not good or bad, it's just very different than mine.

We've all seen the hoopla following T.I. for about the last year or so. He's been building up to his prison time in a variety of ways. Talk shows appearances, speaking at public schools, participating in rallies, that reality show, urging the youth to get involved with politics, basically trying to prove to America (& maybe himself) that he's turned a new leaf in life. Actually, I couldn't care less, but God bless his efforts. The last two things he's done have caught me off guard though;

He's performed a string of concerts loosely called his "Goodbye" or "Farewell" tour. Okay. One year doesn't garner a "farewell", unless a psychic told him he's going to get shived in the lunch line. & what self-respecting convict wouldn't want to have "stabbed T.I. for his macaroni" on his list of greatest accomplishments. Is it that he's playing on the public's love/hate towards him? I would hate to think that after all the positivity exuded from his reality show "Road to Redemption" that he's now throwing himself a week-long party to celebrate getting yet another strike on his permanent record. That just seems odd to me. Like in those mobster movies, where they throw "the kid" some type of schindig for being arrested. Seems like the wrong message to send to the millions(!!) of kids who obviously bought his album. Like it or not, serving time for a crime should be an embarrassing, shameful experience. Not one to jump around on stage for, like this is the last time he'll ever be seen by mankind again.

But, he does have a bunch of kids, so maybe he's just trying to stay ahead of the Georgia court system. Maybe.

Which takes me to the next point, that he finally married his long time babymomma Tiny, uh, whatever her real name is. She's the light-skinned, big-headed girl from Xscape. If you're younger than 21, you may want to google them.

I'm not even sure how many kids they have, but I know it's plural. Now, if marriage was so important, why wait until its time to be surrounded by men to profess his love? Does he, being a criminal, know something that we, being civilians, don't know? Was this his way of showing her that he's going to remain faithful on the inside? I doubt a wedding band will stop a horny, aggressive man from having his way with a shower-drenched Clifford, & from what I hear girls say, he's not bad looking.

If I were her, I'd wonder why all of the sudden must we be man & wife, when all this time it was dude & babymomma? I know all women want to be wed, but sometimes, you've got to question motives. Maybe there's an honor system that frowns on raping a married man? Highly doubtful. Then again, it may have been his idea; who knows what kind of promiscuous freak she may be. That $1000.00 dildo might not cut it. Again, No Judgment, I'm just saying. He's not the only rapper in Atlanta.

There should be a reality show that follows dudes around during the period leading up to the day they turn themselves in. Most of the cats I know usually end up going straight from the courtroom though. Just enough time to blow a kiss at their mom's, & be escorted into the Beast's belly. Then again, I guess that show would suck. Everybody can't be OJ or Clifford.

Let's just hope & pray that, at least for his kids' sake, that this situation is more rehabilitation, & less incarceration. Some folks actually do get locked up & learn their lesson(s). Not that I know any of them personally. No Judgment, I'm just saying.