Monday, August 31, 2009

The-Dream:...The Memo

-September 1, 2009-

Memo: TO THE ENTIRE OFFICE FROM: The-Dream

Re: The-Dream's new position

As the new VP of Island/Def Jam Records, I plan to implement a few changes, so that we can properly operate as a cohesive machine & correct every mistake made by my predeccesor. Beginning my first day, the following changes are mandatory; those who can't/won't comply will be subject to immediate cavity search & ejected into the street. Thank you.
- The-Dream a/k/a Radio Killa

1)Backwards-slant fitted caps & dark shades will now be considered as uniform. Every employee will be required to wear said items regardless of outfit. Again, those unable to comply will face aforementioned cavity search & ejacu-I mean ejection from the premises. Upon request, company issued hats baring my likeness can be purchased for $39.95. Tweet me for further information.

2)Every other Tuesday will be Christina Millian Day. I'll expect the female employees to dress up as her, & only refer to their male counterparts as 'babe'. On specified days (& sometimes just because), we will watch "Be Cool" & "Bring It On" during office hours, but I don't foresee a dip in productivity. Also, on CM Day's, random workers may/will be stopped & asked to recite the lyrics, including chorus, to the Christina Millian song of my choosing. Failure to comply will result in cavity search & immediate termination.

3)The following office items are to be replaced with a picture of Robert Kelly post haste: desk photos, screen savers, family photos in wallets/purses, wall art, inspirational posters, etc. Disobedience to this particular rule will be reprimanded by the cavity search, ejection from the building & a shower of urination from the security guard.

4)All employees will be expected to arrive at work 15 minutes early, daily, for the ceremonial singing of "I Believe I Can Fly", over Krispy Kreme donuts & coffee. Preferably sprinkled donuts, because those are my favorite.

5)If you have friends/family who thinks they have what it takes to be an artist, inform them ahead of time that, if they are talented, I will be writing all their material. I'm flexible on production, although Jazzy Pha gets the first look. This is non-negotiable.

6)If ever a need arises to communicate with me, never call my phone or look me directly in the eye(glasses). Contact me via Twitter, Facebook, YouTube or Worldstarhiphop. A meeting will be designated appropriately.

7)I reserve the right to appear & dance in the club scenes of any artists' video. & if in said video holding a drink is required, said drink must be colorful & look delicious.

8)For any future reference(s), my favorite color is baby blue & my favorite food is chinese.

Thank you for your time & cooperation. Together, we can make this a label of love, & progressively move forward with enough success to provide fur coats & box lunches to all the homeless people in New York. Don't let me down, people.

*The list is subject to change without notice.

10 comments:

Phlip said...

I refuse to believe anything other than that this actually happened.

Curtis75Black said...

That's one of the funniest blogs ever !! I would hate to be a fly on the wall at Def Jam these days. Nice one.

Anonymous said...

AWWW MAAAANNN!

My stomach hurts.

$ykotic Don McCaine

Kiana said...

Lmao this is classic. #2 is tragic but I want to see this happen. You have great material here for an awesome sketch comedy.

Federal Ranga said...

Grand$... you smashed it, homey... and on short notice, too! We runnin this blog shit, my nigga!!!

For more on this story, E8 is up! youtube.com/federalranga

Commission!!!

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