Sunday, November 15, 2009

Iron Mike Strikes Again.

I grew up watching boxing matches on HBO, before pay-per-view was so fashionable. I saw dudes like Sugar Ray Leonard, Marvelous Marvin Hagler, Leon (& his brother Michael) Spinx, & Boom Boom Mancini step into the squared circle to prove a point to one another, if no one else. They did it for the love of blood lust, sportsmanship & pugilism, as opposed to paychecks, celebrity & a chance to start a record label. In the 80's, we didn't have MMA yet, so imagine how violent the fights were.

The greatest to emerge from those days was Michael Gerard Tyson b/k/a Iron Mike Tyson. Still to this day, this is a man I would not fuck with. Even without factoring in his old fights, or what he did to Mitch "Blood" Green in plain view of anybody walking down that street that day in 1988, the mere fact that he bit off (AND SWALLOWED [||]) a piece of another man's ear is enough for me to never want to give him a reason to hone in on me as a target of any sort. Apparently, paparazzi photographer Tony Echevarria doesn't know who/what Mike Tyson is, or his burning alcoholism is seeping into his professional life.

"Former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson was arrested on suspicion of battery on Wednesday [Nov 11] after a confrontation with a photographer at LAX, who was also arrested in the incident"-via AP

Now seriously, this paparazzi jerk who approached Mike at LAX recently was upwards of 50 years old. First of all, dude should have a grown up job by now. Adult males, following other adult males around with cameras-that aren't secret agents or legit photographers, clearly suffer from a mild case of arrested development, & are probably some type of registered sex offenders anyway. If you ask me, that paparazzi cat looks like a Chester to me, & Mike had his 10 month old daughter & his wife in tow. Plus, like I tell y'all, never trust a man without a mustache, especially a Black one.

[tony's note: neither one of them niggas have mustaches. just saying...]

Let's be real, here. There's far too many real celebrities galavanting through Los Angeles International airport to be bothering Mike Tyson to begin with. & it's not like he's the most coherent person. He speaks that common boxer dialect of broken, mismanaged english that sounds like he's drunk or too happy (except Lennox Lewis-his speech is exceptional), & if the guy didn't work for TMZ, he's even a bigger nincompoop than he looks to be. I really doubt 'The Enquirer' is dishing out big bucks for pictures of Mike. All of America has seen his face tattoo & baby toothed smile by now. Nothing new there. & it's not that he's irrelevant, it's just that he's crazier than an armless blind man with a porn addiction. Maybe Mr. Echevarria thought Mike had gotten soft since he sat on Oprah Windbag's Couch of Confession & told Evander Holyfield he was sorry. Crazy motherfuckers have feelings, it's good sense that they lack.

This situation reminds me of Kanye West's episode with the paps, when he grabbed a guy's camera & angrily threw it to the ground. & by reminds me, I mean I've forgotten how gay Kanye West is. Yeezy could've at least slapped the dude. That poor camera didn't do anything wrong, it was simply doing what cameras are supposed to do. Mike on the other hand, went full fledged neanderthal, & dotted the poor guy's forehead. Then, to add insult to injury, Mike made a "citizen's arrest" while the dude did all he could to keep from slipping on puddles of his own blood like banana peels. Mike's defense is that he was protecting his family, so apparently Mike thought he looked like a Chester also.

[tony's next note: tyson's daughter died a few months back. running up in his face while he pushes his newborn daughter is the ultimate "shit-for-brains" move...]

Really though, I hope Iron Mike doesn't go to jail for this. On more than one occasion, these glorified picture jockies have proven that they can be more than just an annoying nuisance, & a man protecting his family from perceived doom is an unstoppable force of animal instinct. For what it's worth, that paparazzi guy should be sending Mike a thank you card...

"Dear Mike,

Thank you for not killing me, or biting off my ear. Sorry about the misunderstanding. Let's meet up for raw meat sometime, my treat."

If he does have to serve time on a probation violation, it's not like jail would be the worst thing that can happen to him. First of all, there's a 98.41% chance that he can beat the scurvy out of every inmate. Secondly, he's not terribly attractive, so I doubt even the staunchest homosexual would risk blunt force trauma just to attempt sodomy on such a man-beast. At the most, Mitch "Blood" Green would put money on one of his son's books to try & shiv Mike when he's asleep. But, Mike seems like he sleeps upright, like a cyborg, so I doubt a sharpened toothbrush would do anything more than make him angry, like a Black Hulk with an unusually high voice. If the probation officer isn't a super douche nozzle though, they'll probably just settle out of court, the charges will be dropped & Mike will go back to Vegas & resume life as the freak of nature that he his. Just in case, I got them "Free Iron Mike" t-shirts, 2 for $5. Holler at me on the gmail.

[tony's last note: what the fuck ever happened to zab judah...?]


Rob said...

i think zab judah lost a few fights and since he was just startin to get big that shit killed his future. i mean, he had skills but inboxing if someone beats dude then dude beats u both those guys jump u in the rankings. not 100% sure if this is why he aint around just my hunch

Capital G said...

Oh shit! You brought up Ray "Boom Boom" Mancini. My brother has his autograph from way the fuck back when we were kids. He was never the same after he killed that asian dude in the ring. (Asian? some sort of south american? Whatever) And Zab Judah, didn't he look like Canibus? Dude above me is right, he not only lost a few fights, he got his ass whooped. And "allegedly" Fab's Street Fam crew tried to relieve him of his jewels early one morning, but that's a whole other story.

Tony Grands said...



I totally forgot Ray killed that dude! Damn.

I remember Zab had a Mike co-sign because he was from Brooklyn or trained in the same gym or something, but that was around the time I switched from boxing to MMA.

Sorta MMA related, what's really good with Brock Lesnar? I thought shit was all rumors, but sounds like dude is about to die...

Capital G said...

I'm pretty sure Brock Lesnar had Mono or some shit and then that parlayed into something worse. Last thing I read about his situation Dana White said he's in really bad shape but didn't specify exactly what the problem is. In other UFC news, Forrest Griffin is going to war with Tito "Jameson" Ortiz this Saturday. Hopefully Forrest shows up for this fight, unlike that mess against Anderson Silva.

Capital G said...

I know it's a bit late at this point but here's the answer to the Brock Lesnar question.

ALEXANDRIA, Minn. — A friend of UFC heavyweight champion Brock Lesnar says the ultimate fighter is back at his home in Alexandria, Minnesota, recovering from a bacterial infection.

Larry Novotny says Lesnar was released from a hospital in Bismarck, N.D., on Tuesday and won't make any decisions about his career until his health has improved. Novotny is Lesnar's chiropractor

Tony Grands said...

^^Good looks, Cap.

I read on Google News that a few of the fighters had come down with a staph infection.

Damn. That may call a lot of the safety precaution procedures into question.


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