Sunday, November 22, 2009

...Howard Cosell would be proud.

I don't usually drop about sports. Those conversations can be as circular as "who's the best rapper?" or "could Wendy Williams get it doggystyle?". Since I'm a creature of habit, this won't be about sports either, per se. More like sportscasters.

I'm a Lakers fanatic, so no broadcaster will ever touch the microphone of the late, great Chick Hearns. My man had more one-liners than Jay-Z. Following the vein of a true Lake Show supporter, I hate the Clippers. Always have. When they moved to Staples Center, I laughed at them, & hoped that somehow, Mike Dunleavy would have to drop a log in the same stall that Phil Jackson just pissed in, without bothering to lift the toilet seat. What was I thinking? The soft-ass Clippers probably use those paper butt guards when they squat. The Lakers, on the other hand, just shit on the competition.

See what I just did there?...

The best thing about the few Clips games I've watched has always been the announcers, Ralph Lawler & Michael Smith. They really appear to enjoy their jobs, with witless banter & personal conversation like two niggas waiting to be called at the Family Court building. I mean, neither of these guys are as incoherent as Stu Nahan, but entertaining nonetheless. Sportscasting has to be one of those "approach with caution" professions, because all you do is talk about what's going on to whoever's listening. Cats smoke weed & get drunk & do the same thing all weekend long, for free. & I know for a fact that I make off-color remarks all the time (like when Howard Cosell said "look at that monkey run" about a Black running back), so why would these dudes be any different? Plus, there's a 50% chance that one of them drinks heavily, word to John Madden. I'm surprised they're just now getting in trouble. I wouldn't have lasted a full season, especially in major league baseball. Eventually, the league would've grown weary of my "how many Dominicans does it take to..." jokes, & like that, I'd be narrating cat food commercials.

Ralph & Michael received a one game suspension during a game versus the Memphis Grizzlies last week. It probably wouldn't have gotten noticed if it wasn't for some douche nozzle viewer who emailed Fox Sports Network to voice their displeasure of the conversation. How much do you want to bet that it was some 50-something year old white lady, who calls midgets "little people" because it's PC? Fuck all that, they're
midgets. So, Grizzlies player Hamed Haddadi entered the game off the bench, & the two classy gentlemen did what two bros watching a basketball game would naturally do--talk to each other about it:

Smith: "Look who's in."

Lawler: "Hamed Haddadi. Where's he from?"

Smith: "He's the first Iranian to play in the NBA." (Smith pronounced Iranian as "Eye-Ray-Knee-In.")

Lawler: "There aren't any Iranian players in the NBA." (repeating Smith's pronunciation.)

Smith: "He's the only one."

Lawler: "He's from Iran?"

Smith: "I guess so."

Lawler: "THAT Iran?"

Smith: "Yes."

Lawler: "The REAL Iran?"

Smith: "Yes."

Lawler: "Wow. Haddadi, that's H-A-D-D-A-D-I."

Smith: "You're sure it's not Borat's older brother?"


Smith: "If they ever make a movie about Haddadi, I'm going to get Sacha Baron Cohen to play the part."

Lawler: "Here's Haddadi. Nice little back-door pass. I guess those Iranians can pass the ball."

Smith: "Especially the post players."

Lawler: "I don't know about their guards."

If you're anything like me, that shit was funny, especially when Lawler spelled Hamed's last name out, as if Homeland Security needs to be notified that the dude was here, in case there were pipe bombs in his locker. For all the, umm, greatness that America has achieved throughout the years, we sure can be some whiny ass babies. Whoever sent that email is surely an asshole. & what's worse is that FSN could've emailed her back a cordial "Blow us, sperm bucket!", & thanked her for her concern. Hell, I should've sent them an email that said, "ROFLMMFBAO!", but I was too busy laughing out loud.

We clearly need to get over playing poker with race cards all the time, & learn how to laugh when shit is funny. That shit was funny, & Howard Cosell would be proud.


Rob said...

Damn, thats too true. alotta people call me an asshole cause of the shit i say but my friends know its just jokes. i swear THEY the prejudice ones becuz THEY put it in that context and not just took it for what its worth... an effin joke!

Nadeem said...
Some funny shit

Tony Grands said...

What's good fellas?!


Man, those Huff Post commentors were genuinely pissed! Lmao! The only way I woulda took offense--on some human level--is if one of them said "well, there's a terrorist on the court, let's hope he doesn't put a bomb in the ball!!" Or something like that. It was nowhere near that. "I wonder where he parked his camel?".

Kiana said...

When you think about all of the anti middle east/muslim propaganda popping off in this country, I have no problem with someone calling foul, even if it's over a small comment. And you know I'm all for jokes but really, I don't know if those two announcers are white, but I'm tired of middle-aged white men making fun of anybody that's not them. I mean learn how to pronounce Iranian damn! lol That's some priviledged shit and it gets old.

All that said, I'm working on a Chick Hearn drop for tomorrow. It's his bday. He was a class act.

Tony Grands said...


The dudes didn't sound like they meant any harm, & sportsbroadcasters' jobs are to give commentary. @ some point, something may slip out that can be labeled inappropriate, but I didn't sense any malice intention. You know my attitude, sometimes just laugh & get over it. True, certain people get a bad rap in our country, but it's not the fault of 2 dudes, white or otherwise, talking about basketball.

Notice they had only one complaints. That speaks volumes to how seriously, or not, that people in general took it. It reads worse than it sounds.

But, if you want to talk about ofensive, how about Adam Lambert @ the AMA's. Had I been watching, I would've complained. I shouldn't be subject to such questionable behavior without a disclaimer. What if I'm watching that with my son, & now I have to explain why these adult men are open mouth kissing. That warranted a complaint, not two guys being sarcastic, imo.

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