Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Stars 'N' Bars

When did "jail" become the popular go-to spot for celebrities?

About 20 years ago, celebs of all ilks were going in & out of rehabilitation centers more than package delivery guys. Usually with tighter shorts. Although cosmetically, it was a blemish on their careers, the bruise quickly healed & they were headed back to the land of the living. Until, that is, the next big job that called for "electric relaxation". We became accustomed to incoherent interviews & sunglasses at night. That hasn't changed much since, but according to any accessible media outlet, the vacation spot for the stars has been downgraded. Now, they go to jail.

The latest victim to incarceration is Charles Barkley. Apparently he likes his booze & his fellatio on the open highway. Rumors swirl about his addiction to strip clubs, but I doubt he's happy about the next phase of wet, naked backsides he'll be looking at. & God forbid he has the overwhelming urge for a lap dance. For a carton of Newports & some soups, Chuck can pick up right where he left off. He's only been sentenced to 10 days, 5 if he opts to enroll in alcohol rehab classes. In all fairness to the system, what is 5 days & "mandatory" education going to do to a man of his stature. It's no more than a slap on the Rolex & a fine. Why waste my tax dollars for him to go to what probably equates to some of the worst hotels he's ever been to. & judging by his love of the ladies, I'm positive he's been to a hole in the wall in some hick town where the hotel manager, sheriff, judge & candlestick maker were all the same guy. Unlike "real" people, he'll get out, smile pretty for the camera, go back to his nice job & continue throwing dollars at half-naked flesh piles & half-priced shots of Patron. He's a jerk, & so is the judge who sentenced him.

On a more serious note, rapper TI is scheduled to begin serving his 1 year sentence next month for attempting to buy assault rifles & silencers (both of which are illegal) to retaliate for the murder of a friend. Really? At what point does a multi-million record selling entertainer think he's so untouchable that he can tool around the 'hood & buy hot guns? How much neon green weed do you smoke to think that life is your personal video game? What friend's does he have around him that thought it would be a good idea for him to do that? Probably the same morons that drove him to meet the undercover agent. Maybe he felt he had a point to prove; A) money hasn't made him any smarter, B) he's still "keeping it real" or C) money hasn't made him any smarter. What surprised me, & others, is the amount of time he got for such a serious crime, with priors on his jacket. It's been said that he cooperated with police on several levels. If I were facing YEARS around men who probably thought I was cute, I would most likely get my "Polly wanna cracker" on as well. I don't blame him for making his situation more bearable, but I do call "jerk" on this one. For a mere $10,000 (surely he has a cigarette lighter, anklet or pinky ring worth as much), he could have had all sorts of "Goodfella" type things done to whomever he chose. Instead, he auditioned to be the biggest star on the next installment of "America's Dumbest Criminals". & he was picked, unanimously.

There's too many "it" girls to name, but they must perceive arrest as a rite of passage into stardom. As if internet videos of gratuitous sex & bad music/movies weren't enough. The moment my public relation's manager suggests I do something to get arrested, I would surely slap the cigar from his face & bid him an unfond "farewell". I guess when you're high on cocaine, everything seems like a good idea. Call me lame, but cavity checks, public showering and risk of being shanked isn't worth a few thousand more fans. Again, I guess when you're high on cocaine, everything seems like a good idea (word to DMX, Rick James & several of my close relatives).
*sidenote: General population isn't for everyone people. Wake up & smell the urine*

I'm far from rich & nowhere near famous, & even I know not to buy pistols in dark alleys, or drive with double vision. Maybe instead of spending countless amounts of cash on mink boxer shorts and solid gold toothbrushes, these imbeciles should hire nuns to follow them around with ping-pong paddles, & pop their knuckles every time they do something idiotic. Half of Hollywood would be walking around with the hands of Muhammad Ali.

Hey, why not, it worked at my catholic high school.