Monday, February 2, 2009

"It's not you, it's me...."

This is not a joke. I can tell you who your man is cheating on you with. I can also assure one that he has no plans to dissolve this relationship in pursuit of the other, so don't go calling Joey Greco just yet.

There's absolutely, positively nothing you can do to eliminate your competition. No edible panties, no naughty church janitor costume, no gratuitous amount of fellatio can bring him back to you. Hold on to your wigs girls.

How many times have you heard the phrase "It's not you, its me"? One, maybe two dozen times I suspect. Well fret not, because he was telling you God's truth, so to speak. He's not chasing esteemless fat girls, or middle aged sugar mommas. No, this isn't about BBW's or MILF's. He's not in search of some goddess who does what you won't (but for the record, you SHOULD be doing what you won't). Its far more dramatic, & even the most limber contortionist can't change his mind. So save your botox bucks, & throw out that "30% off" coupon for breast augmentation.

There's no skank hooch to assault, no chickenhead to beat down, no home wrecker to back slap. Its simple.

He likes to masturbate.

Before hysteria erupts, put down the meat cleaver & think. You talk & talk & talk before, during & after sex don't you? & its never about cool stuff like car crashes or Bigfoot sightings. Out of all the disgusting things your man wants you to do to him, you're completely satisfied with "missionary", so you can look into his eyes as your souls intertwine. What's lingerie to you is a nightgown to him. Sound familiar?

Well, find comfort in knowing that he hasn't turned to another woman (unless porn counts). In fact, he hasn't even left his own body. Technically, its not cheating, because I've seen baboon's do it, & I'm sure they have no clue how impossible women can be. Its natural, handed down through generations of men who, from time to time, have a monkey to spank.

It's not that we don't love you, but from a man's p.o.v., its hassle free satisfaction. Studies show that men don't fall asleep as quickly after "self-sex", so maybe its the relationship that tires him out, as opposed to the actual bumping of the grinding.

Okay, I made that part up, but it sounds good, huh?

So ladies, if you catch Joe in the bathroom, pants gathered around the ankles with that deer-caught-in-the-headlights look on his face, just smile graciously, pretend you don't see that issue of O magazine tucked behind his naked ass, & walk away.

Allow him his dignity as he becomes one with nature. & unless you notice heavy shaft chaffing, or small amounts of hair growing from his beet-red palms, then there's no need to worry. In fact, you can use that time wisely by keeping a simple "shower massager" & fresh pack of double A batteries handy. However, I don't suggest engaging in front of one another, as watching each other go to town on yourselves may prove to be more disturbing than arousing.

If done correctly, who knows? Maybe then you guys won't argue over the remote control so much anymore.