Monday, February 23, 2009

Oscar...he's not just a grouch anymore

I don't like to think of myself as a "hater". For starters, it's quickly becoming one of those phrases like "bling bling", "fo' sheezy", & "it's all good". Some words just lose all substance the first time an uptight 44 year old daytime talkshow host uses it to patronize their "urban" guest.

Ludacris: Thank you for having me on your show, Ms. Winfrey. I really appreciate & value the opportunity to utilize this multi-faceted platform & express my views on the degenerative state of affairs that plague America at present.

*audience applauds*

Oprah Winfrey: Oh, okay.....Fo' sheezy, neezy! It's ALL good!....

Something more than street cred (& my lunch) was lost in that transaction. Point is, I may be a douche (bag OR nozzle), jerk, elohssa, tool, nickname for guys named Richard, even the ever-elusive jacknut, but by no stretch of the human imagination am I a "hater". I hate people who call me that. I even hate the song "Hi Hater", so that should be more than enough proof.

I do, however, subscribe to the theory that some people deserve for things to happen to them.

Take for instance the rich kid who crashes into a telephone pole while showing off for some girls on the bus stop. Everyone laughed, because he deserved it. Or the girl who thinks she's the best thing since ribbed condoms who gets into an argument at the mall only to be de-weaved at the food court. Hilarious to all who saw. We were glad that it happened to her. I don't think anyone deserves to get murdered, raped, etc., but I live for the small idiosyncrasies that make my heart warm in a "The Joker" sort of way.

Now, wouldn't it have been great if something like that occurred at the Oscars? I could've done without the sappy speeches & loose-cannon thank you's. Not to mention, who the kcuf wants to see Wolverine performing showtunes about God knows what? For what it's worth, he should've released his claws & gutted himself, live on TV. That friends, would've been entertainment. As for Beyonce, let's just say that I will always remember the video for that song "Bootylicious". I refuse to move forward.

I wanted somebody to fall down those little stairs, backwards, or lose their balance on the way to the microphone & introduce forehead to sturdy craftsmanship. I think next year, the pre-show drinks should be made with stronger, cheaper liquor. Competitive drunks are more fun to watch than a horny chihuaha having it's way with a throw pillow.

All this talk of Hollywood being saturated by "drugs & alcohol", then where was it last night? Who doesn't enjoy a stammerring buffoon with an award in one hand, & a point to prove in the other? Unnecessary expletives are becoming like dinosaurs. For every two people to thank in life, there's an SUV full of them who you want to kiss your ssa. What better place to flip them the proverbial bird than the Academy Awards? All the ex's who doubted, the manager's who laughed, the dad's who deadbeated, all could be addressed in a huge general introduction into the Hall of Shame. First & last names mandatory.

I also vote for more categories that would allow for a Joachim Phoenix or a Macy Gray to stumble across the stage & mumble incoherently for two minutes. All those narcissistic sociopaths gathered under one roof, & not ONE uncomfortable moment? What a waste of time. This may be aging masculinity talking, & I know it's a recession & all, but there wasn't nearly enough boobage happening. I don't need a recreation of Janet Jackson's prime time mammogram, but since when did 30 year old women start dressing like Susan B. Anthony? Perhaps if they turn the air conditioning up a notch or two, nipple erection would have caused enough of an illusion to quench my thirst (no pun intended).

I wonder how many intoxicated has-beens were on their couches, shaking their wine drenched fists at the TV, cursing their horrible careers. They should've banded together & stormed the auditorium, kicking over chairs, snatching off toupe's & wig's by the dozen, naked. Had Mickey Rourke not been in that "Wrestler" movie, I bet he would have orchestrated the whole uprise.

I don't usually indulge in awards shows, simply because I feel like all their achievement & accolade celebrating is another way of telling me how much my life sucks, but I watched out of sheer curiosity. I was positive that one of those douchebags would've got what they deserved. & I'm not talking about an Oscar. Imagine my disappointment.