Friday, February 20, 2009

The Greatest Love Story, Ever

By now, we've all heard about "OctoMom" Nadya Suleman. With 14 children (8 in one whop), her life is easily a blockbuster mini-series in the making, complete with a delusional, misery-stricken main character & enough co-stars to invade a mid-size Vietnamese village. I'll admit, I'm mesmerized by her psychotic lust for attention. You've got to respect a woman who would willingly abuse her uterus to the point where it could be considered self mutilation, all in the name of a "sad childhood". Most disturbed people just pierce nipple, nose, tongue & genitalia all in one sitting. Yet, this nutjob opted to collect a belly full of zygotes. For the sake of scientific balance, if she were a hamster, she'd have enough food to last her for a month, maybe two. There's a pretty good chance that she's the first female of any species with stretch marks INSIDE her body.

Now, there's a new lady on the scene.

"MonkeyLady" Sandra Harold. Her pet monkey/surrogate son/love toy Travis tried to eat her neighbor's face (it was half successful) & both hands (done & done), after being drugged-up on Xanax & wine. She claims it suffered from depression, but wouldn't you be depressed too, if instead of swinging on vines & peeling bananas, you were forced to tend to the sexual desires of a 70 year old basketcase? Steven Spielberg couldn't write a better plot. The (odd) couple would snuggle & enjoy one another's company while waiting to pass out in "their" bed at night, presumably watching whatever it is that high, drunken primates enjoy watching during their buzz. If it's true that she also taught it to drive a car, then this woman should be nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for stupidest human being ever. Take 8 guesses as to who the runner-up would be.

First question, what the hell has happened to the "mom" role in society where these two maniacs are even allowed to co-exist with normal folks without those guys in white suits chasing them around the city with butterfly nets?

Second question, wouldn't a combination of their two stories make the greatest movie of all time?
The widow of a zookeeper is desperately lonely & takes to the companionship of her late husband's favorite chimpanzee during her time of sorrow. The monkey begins to fall in love with the woman. Obsessed with the dead husband, the monkey begins to become him, wearing his clothes, drinking his liquor, smoking his cigars, driving his Cadillac, & ultimately sexing his Xanax-addicted wife. Insane with grief, she too falls for the monkey, calls him "Alejandro" & lives in lust filled seclusion. Until the day that the pizza man arrives at their love nest, & rings the doorbell.
The shopping cart slowly wobbled down the street, it's wheels squeaking in pain, as it's 9 occupants plan today's lunch. 8 of which are babies ready to greet the world, the ninth being their morbidly pregnant mother, with six children pushing the cart with all their malnutritioned might in search of a Burger King. One of the more rebellious children stops pushing, & screams "I can't take this, my back is snapping!", only to be greeted by the mother's five hot dog-like fingers slapping her mouth closed. Unable to scream again for lack of proper nutrition & severe dehydration, the child spots an unlucky pizza delivery guy, whistling & unassuming as to what he is about to experience. The child, drunk with hunger offers him as sacrifice to her mammoth mother. "L-l-look mommmy, f-fooood". The mother's eyes dart towards their target, as she snorts at the pack of kids behind her. They rush the poor man just as the door opens.
The pizza man, head full of whimsical thoughts of his bride to be, hears a cantankerous noise & snaps back to reality to see a horde of starving children running towards him like ethiopians to a bag of grain to the left, & a half-drunken, well dressed primate charging from the right. The mother snarls with excitement, as the widow hurries to find her underwear & see about her lover. Alejandro & the kids devour the pizza, half the pizza man's face & both hands, as the two women exchange looks. Intrigued, they stare into each other's eyes, as the pizza man yelps in agonizing pain. Love blossoms as blood & pepperoni cover the cobblestone porch.
As Alejandro & the kid's feast on the captured prey, the kid's look at the monkey as the dad they never knew, & the pet they've always wanted, while Alejandro fights back vomit from a night of too much whiskey & overwhelming missionary sex. Sandra, still smelling of cigar smoke & monkey fur, offers Nadya a place to rest her huge body & hands her the only untainted slice of pizza left. "Just wheel me inside," she mumbles, too embarassed to admit that she's been stuck in the shopping cart since she was 2 months pregnant, when her wheelchair exploded at a midnight buffet. As the sun sets, a union is formed, & the greatest love story, ever, begins.......
You can use your imagination to follow the story line, but I tell you this much. Mix 2 lesbians, 14 kids, & a jealous monkey with a wicked hangover, & they'll be more excitement abroad than Chris Brown's first night in general population.

For more absurdity, see Blogs "Babies 'R' Us" & "Monkey Business". Thank you, & enjoy your flight.