Iron Mike Strikes Again.

I grew up watching boxing matches on HBO, before pay-per-view was so fashionable. I saw dudes like Sugar Ray Leonard, Marvelous Marvin Hagler, Leon (& his brother Michael) Spinx, & Boom Boom Mancini step into the squared circle to prove a point to one another, if no one else. They did it for the love of blood lust, sportsmanship & pugilism, as opposed to paychecks, celebrity & a chance to start a record label. In the 80's, we didn't have MMA yet, so imagine how violent the fights were.


The greatest to emerge from those days was Michael Gerard Tyson b/k/a Iron Mike Tyson. Still to this day, this is a man I would not fuck with. Even without factoring in his old fights, or what he did to Mitch "Blood" Green in plain view of anybody walking down that street that day in 1988, the mere fact that he bit off (AND SWALLOWED [||]) a piece of another man's ear is enough for me to never want to give him a reason to hone in on me as a target of any sort. Apparently, paparazzi photographer Tony Echevarria doesn't know who/what Mike Tyson is, or his burning alcoholism is seeping into his professional life.


"Former heavyweight boxing champion Mike Tyson was arrested on suspicion of battery on Wednesday [Nov 11] after a confrontation with a photographer at LAX, who was also arrested in the incident"-via AP


Now seriously, this paparazzi jerk who approached Mike at LAX recently was upwards of 50 years old. First of all, dude should have a grown up job by now. Adult males, following other adult males around with cameras-that aren't secret agents or legit photographers, clearly suffer from a mild case of arrested development, & are probably some type of registered sex offenders anyway. If you ask me, that paparazzi cat looks like a Chester to me, & Mike had his 10 month old daughter & his wife in tow. Plus, like I tell y'all, never trust a man without a mustache, especially a Black one.


[tony's note: neither one of them niggas have mustaches. just saying...]


Let's be real, here. There's far too many real celebrities galavanting through Los Angeles International airport to be bothering Mike Tyson to begin with. & it's not like he's the most coherent person. He speaks that common boxer dialect of broken, mismanaged english that sounds like he's drunk or too happy (except Lennox Lewis-his speech is exceptional), & if the guy didn't work for TMZ, he's even a bigger nincompoop than he looks to be. I really doubt 'The Enquirer' is dishing out big bucks for pictures of Mike. All of America has seen his face tattoo & baby toothed smile by now. Nothing new there. & it's not that he's irrelevant, it's just that he's crazier than an armless blind man with a porn addiction. Maybe Mr. Echevarria thought Mike had gotten soft since he sat on Oprah Windbag's Couch of Confession & told Evander Holyfield he was sorry. Crazy motherfuckers have feelings, it's good sense that they lack.


This situation reminds me of Kanye West's episode with the paps, when he grabbed a guy's camera & angrily threw it to the ground. & by reminds me, I mean I've forgotten how gay Kanye West is. Yeezy could've at least slapped the dude. That poor camera didn't do anything wrong, it was simply doing what cameras are supposed to do. Mike on the other hand, went full fledged neanderthal, & dotted the poor guy's forehead. Then, to add insult to injury, Mike made a "citizen's arrest" while the dude did all he could to keep from slipping on puddles of his own blood like banana peels. Mike's defense is that he was protecting his family, so apparently Mike thought he looked like a Chester also.


[tony's next note: tyson's daughter died a few months back. running up in his face while he pushes his newborn daughter is the ultimate "shit-for-brains" move...]


Really though, I hope Iron Mike doesn't go to jail for this. On more than one occasion, these glorified picture jockies have proven that they can be more than just an annoying nuisance, & a man protecting his family from perceived doom is an unstoppable force of animal instinct. For what it's worth, that paparazzi guy should be sending Mike a thank you card...


"Dear Mike,

Thank you for not killing me, or biting off my ear. Sorry about the misunderstanding. Let's meet up for raw meat sometime, my treat."


If he does have to serve time on a probation violation, it's not like jail would be the worst thing that can happen to him. First of all, there's a 98.41% chance that he can beat the scurvy out of every inmate. Secondly, he's not terribly attractive, so I doubt even the staunchest homosexual would risk blunt force trauma just to attempt sodomy on such a man-beast. At the most, Mitch "Blood" Green would put money on one of his son's books to try & shiv Mike when he's asleep. But, Mike seems like he sleeps upright, like a cyborg, so I doubt a sharpened toothbrush would do anything more than make him angry, like a Black Hulk with an unusually high voice. If the probation officer isn't a super douche nozzle though, they'll probably just settle out of court, the charges will be dropped & Mike will go back to Vegas & resume life as the freak of nature that he his. Just in case, I got them "Free Iron Mike" t-shirts, 2 for $5. Holler at me on the gmail.


[tony's last note: what the fuck ever happened to zab judah...?]

Kanye West: Passin' Go & Collectin' $200

We all saw the footage of Mr. West "assaulting" that paparazzi douche nozzle at L.A.X. Oh, sweet irony (double pun intended-ha!). When him & his boyfriend grabbed the camera & slammed it down, I laughed until I peed a little. For his heinous attempt at being gangsta, he received community service, 50 hours worth. Not hard core community service like beat-a-bitch Brown got, though. Chris Brown at least has the opportunity to come across ejected weapons or dead body parts, if he's lucky. God forbid he gets hit by a car while he's out there collecting trash, dude will be like the Hip Hop James Dean. Kanye received 50 hours, probably to be served at the Salvation Army depot of his choosing, where he could sell a homeless man a third-hand shirt AND explain how it should be haberdashered. If so, the next time you come across a well dressed hobo, you can thank Kanye West for that. Although, I'd be hard pressed to toss my loose change at a dude wearing argyle socks, no matter how much he smelled of urine.


Kanye's judge had to have been a fan of his music. Normally, White men that high up on the food chain would relish the moment where that can proverbially backhand a Black man, much less a rap cat. Maybe word got to his chambers that Kanye wasn't a "real" rapper, one who specializes in genocidal, ubermisogynistic messages of self-destruction & false hope. You know, the successful ones. Or maybe the judge watched enough TV to know that there was a chance that an unhappy Kanye would snatch the gavel &/or possibly whine until he was held in contempt. Sounds like an avoidable headache to me; most likely the same reason why that Black chick kicked him to the curb to begin with.


But, had the judge been a wise man, he would have sent Kanye to jail for at least 30 days. Not only would it have opened up Kanye to a whole new fan base (no pun intended), but the prison system could have benefited immensely. Kanye's the consummate expresser; he makes a living on revealing his thoughts to the public, regardless of backlash. Coincidentally, a lot of dudes in jail are in jail because they couldn't manage their emotions. Like, instead of telling their baby mom's "Fuck You!", they slit her throat (not that I agree, but I understand...). Imagine, if you will, Kanye playing '808's & Heartbreaks' to a cafeteria full of criminals who's Mom's didn't hug them enough & Dad's never showed them how to catch a baseball. He could even use flowers & Barbie dolls as visuals aids. Emo-rap is as therapeutic as it is questionable, & I'm sure at least two dudes would have gleaned something from Kanye teaching the audience that, sometimes, it's okay for a man to cry.


Kanye would've also gained from such an experience. First & foremost, once he found out the origin of one's pants sagging, & what it really signifies, I highly doubt he'd continue to walk around advertising the hershey highway to those hungry for a test drive. Fashion's no longer just "fashion" once men want to penetrate your rectum. & to think, a young, bald headed White kid, in the right light at the wrong time could easily be mistaken for a less flattering Amber Rose to a detoxing Kanye. Between night sweats & withdrawal pangs, he could reach over for comfort & leave the scant amount of manhood he does have in his past forever more.


I wish incarceration on no man, but some time off may do him some good. Especially if he finds the smallest guy in the lunch room & beats him senseless with his dinner tray. While the bigger bad guys may only laugh, the rest of the small fry's will fall gingerly in line, protecting their new leader & washing his underwear, with or without him still wearing them. Maybe then Kanye will fully understand how much of a role model he is, & think twice before
accosting defenseless White girls on live television, even if he intends on letting her finish her speech.


This community service crap only amounts to a slap on his lavender G-shock. & something tells me this won't be the last time he gets arrested on less than masculine charges. Perhaps next time, it'll be something more ballsy, like slapping the shit out of his pool boy or not paying a parking ticket. As long as it's equally as humorous, I couldn't possibly care any less.