...Howard Cosell would be proud.

I don't usually drop about sports. Those conversations can be as circular as "who's the best rapper?" or "could Wendy Williams get it doggystyle?". Since I'm a creature of habit, this won't be about sports either, per se. More like sportscasters.


I'm a Lakers fanatic, so no broadcaster will ever touch the microphone of the late, great Chick Hearns. My man had more one-liners than Jay-Z. Following the vein of a true Lake Show supporter, I hate the Clippers. Always have. When they moved to Staples Center, I laughed at them, & hoped that somehow, Mike Dunleavy would have to drop a log in the same stall that Phil Jackson just pissed in, without bothering to lift the toilet seat. What was I thinking? The soft-ass Clippers probably use those paper butt guards when they squat. The Lakers, on the other hand, just shit on the competition.


See what I just did there?...


The best thing about the few Clips games I've watched has always been the announcers, Ralph Lawler & Michael Smith. They really appear to enjoy their jobs, with witless banter & personal conversation like two niggas waiting to be called at the Family Court building. I mean, neither of these guys are as incoherent as Stu Nahan, but entertaining nonetheless. Sportscasting has to be one of those "approach with caution" professions, because all you do is talk about what's going on to whoever's listening. Cats smoke weed & get drunk & do the same thing all weekend long, for free. & I know for a fact that I make off-color remarks all the time (like when Howard Cosell said "look at that monkey run" about a Black running back), so why would these dudes be any different? Plus, there's a 50% chance that one of them drinks heavily, word to John Madden. I'm surprised they're just now getting in trouble. I wouldn't have lasted a full season, especially in major league baseball. Eventually, the league would've grown weary of my "how many Dominicans does it take to..." jokes, & like that, I'd be narrating cat food commercials.


Ralph & Michael received a one game suspension during a game versus the Memphis Grizzlies last week. It probably wouldn't have gotten noticed if it wasn't for some douche nozzle viewer who emailed Fox Sports Network to voice their displeasure of the conversation. How much do you want to bet that it was some 50-something year old white lady, who calls midgets "little people" because it's PC? Fuck all that, they're
midgets. So, Grizzlies player Hamed Haddadi entered the game off the bench, & the two classy gentlemen did what two bros watching a basketball game would naturally do--talk to each other about it:


Smith: "Look who's in."


Lawler: "Hamed Haddadi. Where's he from?"


Smith: "He's the first Iranian to play in the NBA." (Smith pronounced Iranian as "Eye-Ray-Knee-In.")


Lawler: "There aren't any Iranian players in the NBA." (repeating Smith's pronunciation.)


Smith: "He's the only one."


Lawler: "He's from Iran?"


Smith: "I guess so."


Lawler: "THAT Iran?"


Smith: "Yes."


Lawler: "The REAL Iran?"


Smith: "Yes."


Lawler: "Wow. Haddadi, that's H-A-D-D-A-D-I."


Smith: "You're sure it's not Borat's older brother?"


*pause*


Smith: "If they ever make a movie about Haddadi, I'm going to get Sacha Baron Cohen to play the part."


Lawler: "Here's Haddadi. Nice little back-door pass. I guess those Iranians can pass the ball."


Smith: "Especially the post players."


Lawler: "I don't know about their guards."


If you're anything like me, that shit was funny, especially when Lawler spelled Hamed's last name out, as if Homeland Security needs to be notified that the dude was here, in case there were pipe bombs in his locker. For all the, umm, greatness that America has achieved throughout the years, we sure can be some whiny ass babies. Whoever sent that email is surely an asshole. & what's worse is that FSN could've emailed her back a cordial "Blow us, sperm bucket!", & thanked her for her concern. Hell, I should've sent them an email that said, "ROFLMMFBAO!", but I was too busy laughing out loud.


We clearly need to get over playing poker with race cards all the time, & learn how to laugh when shit is funny. That shit was funny, & Howard Cosell would be proud.

Wild, Wild (Delonte) West

"Cleveland Cavaliers guard Delonte West was arrested Thursday night in Upper Marlboro, Md. after officers pulled him over for speeding on a motorcycle and discovered he was carrying a loaded shotgun in a guitar case and two loaded handguns."-via AP.

Damn! Add a vampire, a white girl & somebody saying the word "nigga" pointlessly & this would be the beginning of a Tarantino movie.

Anybody not familiar with basketball at least knows who LeBron James is. Okay, D. West plays on the same team as that guy. In fact, he might possibly be one of the beigest negros in the league. Anyone who is well-versed on their NBA trivia knows that their team, the Cleveland Cavaliers, was almost a shoe-in to go toe to toe with the Los Angeles Lakers in the finals last season, until they got their asses handed to them by the Orlando Magic.

The Orlando Magic was the team Shaquille O'Neal played for his rookie year, when he was breaking backboards as opposed to now, his 37th season, where he's whoring himself out on lame TV shows, wearing pink speedo bikinis (ugh) & pretending to be a police officer. Nigga, please; a .38 slug will quiet even the largest man, believe that. Coincedentally, O'Neal now plays for the Cavs also. Perhaps he was an arresting officer. At the least, he'd probably heard about D. West planning to shoot up a daycare center & called 911.

As for Delonte West, what can I say that his first name or his penitentiary tattoos haven't already? Dare I say without sounding a tad bit racist, but his mother should've known that a day like this would eventually happen with a name like Delonte. He probably suffers from the same debilitating syndrome that I did once; light skin paranoia. It makes you feel as though you must prove something, especially when surrounded by a bunch of certifiable Black guys. I'm sure it's a variant of how the mulatto house niggers felt when they had to hold down the foot that was about to be chopped off. After that, it was almost madatory that they sexed the Bossman's wife, to show the field hands they were still down.

"Police said a handgun was found in West's pocket, another in his pant leg and a shotgun in a guitar case strapped to his back. They said West, 26, was cooperative."-via AP.

Cooperative is a word police use so they don't have to say, "if he had've blinked too loudly, he would've had more holes in him than a bum's boxer shorts...". Whatever was going through his curly head during that re-enactment of any Arnold Schwarzenegger movie surely was snapped back to reality when the One Times lit him up. "Cooperative" indeed. What would possess a semi-successful, regionally famous, third-string bench warmer to mount up & ride out with so many guns?

"Last year [season], West left training camp to seek treatment for depression and a "mood disorder" he said he has battled his entire life."-via AP

Oh. He must've been smoking that "funny" weed since his days in junior high school continuation classes. You know most light skinned Black dudes say they only smoke "that good shit" anyway, only to one day freak out & lose hold of their fleeting careers, a la Al B. Sure. Last time I saw Al B., he was buying dollar chili burgers at an AM/PM by LAX. Only crazy motherfuckers eat those things. & only crazy motherfuckers put shotguns in guitar cases like this was an episode of Bonanza.

Was he depressed because his team didn't make it as far in the playoffs as projected? No Dice. Lame excuse. Instead of spending time watching episodes of 'White Shadow' & smoking pot, he should've taken his high yellow ass to a gymnasium, & helped LeBron. That way, when they did finally lose to the Magic, he would've have a tangible reason for a "mood disorder". I don't wish jail on any man, but I don't see any philanthropist's investing in a "stupid niggas time-out establishment", so let the punishment fit the crime.

Ain't no telling where he was going with all those hammers. Might've been on his way to see Kobe Bryant, & we can't be have that. We need another championship...