"Detox": 5 reasons you're wasting your time waiting on Dr. Dre...

1) Dre's a perfectionist...
We all know there's no such thing as perfection, so by that mantra, he'll never be able to live up to his own standards. People who except nothing less than exceptional are never satisfied with themselves. For years now, Andre Young's been promising this elite, exquisite album. Anxiously, we cling to his catalog of hits, hoping to foresee what we are waiting for. No Dice. I refuse to hear a re-worked "Bitch Please", or an updated "Let Me Ride" after so many years of empty promises. The problem with being so critical of one's self is that no one else is holed up like some reclusive madman, perfecting a sound that will only be re-invented as soon as the next lucky amateur gets his big break on YouTube. So, for every song that he remixes & remasters to fabled perfection, 47 duck sauce rappers & their chow mein producers are flooding the 'Nets with warm feces. According to the Hip Hop grade curve, Soulja Boy has a better chance at hypnotizing me than Dre does of mesmerizing me.

2)He's obviously too much of a douche nozzle to care...
There's a reason why every time Dr. Dre's in the limelight again, he's usually surrounded by a different group of people than the last time we saw him. It's the same reason that 50 Cent always has the exact same two dudes with him; Asshole Alzheimer's (they forget the other people). If you're familiar with his presence, you could run down a laundry list of Dre-affiliated cats that have come & gone quicker than the Swine Flu scare. Aside from that, let us take a look at some of his other moments of douchebaggery; he beat up (& kicked down) Dee on "Pump It Up" for basically no reason (Google it, youngsters)...I know one of his kids, & if she told you right now that Dre was her dad, you'd look her up & down & laugh, albeit quietly as you walk away...he aligns himself with acts that are arguably more relevant than he is, then wishes them to the cornfields (Eve, Busta Rhymes, Rakim, Raekwon, Joell Ortiz, that "Truth" broad, etc.)...other people write all his raps, & always have. This isn't to take away from his legacy, but don't piss on my shoulder & tell me it's drizzling. A man's only as good as the last thing he did. I'm just saying. I wonder what ever happened to the N.W.A. reunion.

3)People don't buy CD's anymore...
Dre's claim(s) to fame has always been his record sales. He's not a rapper, although White folks think he is, so he can't boast about his rhymes. For every track that he's "produced", at least 4 nobodies come out of the woodworks claiming that they "arranged this", & "sequenced that", & this goes back to his days with Arabian Prince, so he can't brag about his beats without being sued. So where does that leave a man with so much to show for so little? It leaves him with albums, that boast his name, selling millions of copies worldwide. That has changed immensely over the last 5 years. If you're not TI, Lil Wayne, Eminem or Kanye West, fans aren't flocking to drop recession dollars on your opus. Today's average rap fan has no idea who Dre used to be, & would have no idea at all who he was if Marshall wasn't suc-showing him so much love over the years. The 40-year old Hip Hop market is marginal, at best, & at this point in his career, he's starting at the bottom. & before y'all start bringing up Eminem's success, trust & believe that every album Em sold was because of Em. It had very little, if any, to do with Dre "producing" the music. Eminem could've rapped over gorillas having sex, & would've had the same productivity.

4)Gangsta music is on vacation...
Face it. 50 Cent was/is the last dude who could sell us the American nightmare & convince us it was just what the doctor ordered (no pun intended). Similar to Em, when 50 was on top of the rap game, it didn't matter who provided the sonic backdrop. We wanted to hear him shoot his way through life, & bone every broad that he could in the process. But, once 50 Ja Rule'd Ja Rule & assumed his identity, it was all downhill. Such is the case with Dre. No matter what he produced, it brought out the gangsta in a nigga (nigga, being used loosely here). Really though, as much as I don't need to hear another Drake song, I really don't need to hear Drake rapping over a Dr. Dre beat. Same for Cudi. Or Wale. Or J. Cole. Maybe Nipsey Hussle, but L.A. dudes don't get down like that. Name a current "hot shit" rapper, & I don't want to hear him over Dre. For all intents & purposes, I could be completely wrong, & Dre could put the 'G' back in the funk, but won't hold my breath. He does get style points for having O.G. Roger Troutman & Tupac on one of the biggest selling records of the '90's, though. Too bad he bit the hook from 'Pop Lockin'.

5)He can never top 'The Chronic', & he knows it...
It doesn't matter what he's doing in the studio right now. The Chronic was, is, & always will be considered a Hip Hop classic. Unless he has a song featuring Satan, Jesus & Woody Woodpecker, he can never achieve that same level of unexpected brilliance. My guess is that he sits in the studio, alone, & listens to that album to conceive new ideas from old material. The closest we've gotten to a peek at 'Detox' was that damn Dr. Pepper commercial. I don't even like Dr. Pepper, or know a person who does. It tastes like peppermint Kool-aid, if such a thing were to exist. That said, who gives a damn about the commercial, & who even knows thats his beat is playing in the background? I do, but then again my life's not so exciting, so that only holds so much weight. It's the gift of the curse, or the curse of the gift, depending on the person. That album single-handedly changed the face of rap, without so much as a gimmick to swing from. To repeat that feat in today's market would be virtually impossible. People refer to him as the "Quincy Jones of Rap", but I just say Dre's Dre. No need to put extra pressure on his back, & if he was "Quincy", that would make his "Michael Jackson" Snoop Dogg, & that brother's off on his own weed-induced, Rock & Roll gangbanger tangent. No rekindling that fire. Dre's uber-talented, no question, but he may have to come to grips with the fact that he peaked, climaxed & plateau'd all in one phenomenal album. That doesn't happen twice. Not in Hip Hop at least.

For the record, I'm rooting for Dre, because he's been counted out for quite some time. It would be nice to see him jump fresh out of nowhere, but, let's be honest with ourselves. His best bet at this point, is to go the Ice-T route; find a life-sized Barbie doll & pimp her out at his shows. Titties have a way of making dudes forget about anything else happening. Ask Luke & the 2Live Crew.