Monday, September 21, 2009

Stop me if you've heard this one...

I went to a gathering at my in-laws this weekend, & I'm not too partial to the majority of them in the first place; I was just there to keep an eye on my son (yeah, I'm over protective but so the fuck what? Too bad more Black fathers aren't). Anyhow, as soon as we get there, it was drama. You know Black folks can't get together for 15 minutes without some neck-rolling & finger-pointing. *cue the obligatory racist joke* Somebody either drank the last of the Kool-Aid or bad mouthed Tyler Perry.

The incident itself was completely irrelevant, but one aspect of it kind of made me chuckle, in a bad way. My brother-in-law's baby momma got into an argument with some bird that lived in the apartment complex. Luckily for me, my (sort of) sis-in-law had her gay lover with her. As the confrontation ensued, the gay lover jumped in, & was told by the bird, "Oh, you wanna act like a nigga, I got somebody for you!". [tony's note: bird = wild haired, bra-less baby factory] Normally I ignore those types of things, especially when it doesn't involve any of my real family members, but I couldn't help but laugh at that. It amused me well into the evening, & for a few minutes this morning when I woke up.

See, I have no real problem with gay peoples. In fact, without sounding like a bigot, they are some of the coolest folks I've come across during my travels (recovering alcoholics can be a delight as well). & God knows I prefer lesbian porn over watching some hairy-assed dude shafting poor, defenseless white girls. But, as with most things in life, there's always a boundary. Being a lesbian is one thing; attempting to actually be taken seriously as an equal counterpart to Men is another ballpark (no pun intended).

I've noticed that, at least in Los Angeles, the butch dyke has taken on a new role. What was once the female companion to a woman who's chosen to explore her sexual options has now become a pants sagging, wave-capped corn rows wearing, sports bra to hide the chi-chi's ass anti-feminist, who's wholeheartedly adamant on edging out men in their quest for empowerment. Let us not forget what James Brown said. In case you did, this is a man's world. That doesn't mean that we don't need women, but we don't if said female is insistent on awkwardly standing in front of a urinal to create the appearance of peeing while standing.

It's to the point where two girls occupying the same personal space nowadays get automatically labeled lesbians. In my younger days, it was a case of figuring out which one I'd rather have casual sex with & mostly likely it would be both. Now, it's like trying to sneak peeks at some fresh-outta-prison cat's girlfriend. When Women's Liberation spoke to equal rights, I assume they didn't mean getting knocked the fuck out like a man, but if it walks like a duck, by all means, quack quack.

Perhaps the most mystifying facet of all this is that gay women always seem to have upwards of three children in tow. So first, I'm sure they soured their kids' heads with talks of how useless their fathers are, & next, to add insult to injury, they open-mouth kiss their women friend(s) in public as if it's a normal occurrence. On top of the fact that mommy's woman friend dresses like daddy, but has a period like mommy. Only in America people. If this were the Middle East, heads we be on sticks next to curb side mailboxes. Again, I don't judge, because that God's responsibility & it would behoove me NOT to step on Jehovah's sandals, but this can't be the way it was supposed to be. I doubt my grandmother had any bisexual experiences. Yet, I have a cousin who has/does, & thats okay, too. When I met her girlfriend, I could've sworn she looked at my mustache & got mad at it. As if she doesn't get enough hair on her lips already.

It's not necessary to prove how manly one is, unless of course, they're not. It's overkill, ladies. If you want to munch carpet, feel free to do so until it gets caught in your respective throats. But, don't piss on my Air Force 1's & tell me it's drizzling. Whatever your parents did or didn't do to you can be discussed on therapy couches that span as far as the eye can see. & with this looming health care initiative, I'm sure said help isn't far off. But I beg of you, don't impose your hostilities on us real men, who father your children, kill your spiders & move your furniture. Even if we are just your cousins & uncles.

Really though, I'm just saying. Don't shoot the douche nozzle, I'm only delivering the message. Speaking of douche nozzles, I wonder how a dyke butch (see how I did that there?) keeps the pipes clean? Never mind, no I don't...

8 comments:

Don said...

"I could've sworn she looked at my mustache & got mad at it. As if she doesn't get enough hair on her lips already."

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

This chick Keisha, from BK, NY was like that. Arrogant as hell. Always would start talking sideways & loud, then always would get a two piece for not shutting the f*ck up.

But she always had bad ass broads...

Phlip said...

True story...

It's 2004; and I'm in Hooters after work one night, it is Roger, Brandon, Myself and Murph and Russ came up from Atlanta...

We work the allowed "pitcher-per-plus-1, and we're 5 pitchers in and about to get #6, even though one of us doesn't really drink like that. About this time, we're joking, picking on one another ruthlessly, playing with my camera, being lout as hell and whatever.
We notice a group of "Cleos," if you will (Queen Latifah from that movie or the psychic, choose one), at the table next to us, and that they're looking at us with the iciest of grills. I notice and draw it to the attention of the table quietly enough to not be overheard, to which Murph responds loudly "I don't give a FUCK, let her come over here," to which they BEGIN to try to shit-talk us, then it escalates to a back and forth. Murph and I, being the physically largest out of the group, both 250+ at the time and pretty intoxificated by now. These chicks apparently realized that they'd bitten off more than they could chew, quickly collected their checks and broke the fuck out.

Tony Grands said...

@don

I will second the "bad broads" part. Maybe it's true that women know how to please each other-well, obviously they do. They stay with a dime, meanwhile I'm wondering why she chose a broad that looks like a man, when she could have a real man that looks better (yes hetero) than an optical illusion.

Smhing.

Federal Ranga said...

Co fuckin sign on that kid shit...

Like, bitch come ONNNNN!!!!

You got three kids and NOW you wanna be a dyke? GTFOH!!! Like you musta though lesbianism prevents children or something. Its obvious by how many rugrats you GOT that YOU LOVE DICK. GTFOH AGAIN!

Sorry, Grand$... I hate lesbians. Especially the Cleos... I wish a bitch WOULD even take it there with... hoe better go read Shoulda Coulda Woulda in this bitch...

Here's why IMO gays>>>lesbians...

Gays hate pussy, but not women and thats why they can kick it with them a lot.

Lesbians (with VERY few exceptions) hate MEN and the worst part about it is they even go so far as to get girls they have or straight bitches they cant 'turn out' to hate niggaz, too. Like, damn!!! WTF did I do to you?

To all you gay ass hoes out there... go to South Beach, find the biggest rock you can, write your name on that bitch and KICK IT TIL YOUR FEET BLEED. And once it does, KEEP KICKIN.

ANTON DESHAWN JOHNSON. DO SOMETHING!!!

Phlip said...

I feel part of what Ranga is saying, the only thing about lesbians that bothers me is the overtly out-front, over-the-top Cleo broads. It is for all previously named reasoning as well... The problem is that these chicks usually don't WANT to be teh ghey, so much as they could never quite get or keep a man, and in the scorn turned to women.
At this point, they made it their life's mission to turn out as many NON Cleo broads as they could, so as to further fuck over the men of the world.

Funny, I was talking about this blog last night with the lady while we were at Coldstone and a couple of Zesties passed us by, and remembered a time from like 98 when this lesbian chick tried to start a fight with my brother one night after they'd gotten off work at Burger King because her girl was flirting with him.

It ALWAYS comes from penis envy and it seems that once they decide to act like a dude in trying a dude, they IMMEDIATELY revert back to being a woman on some "you ain't gon' hit a girl" shit.
Fuck that.

Tony Grands said...

@Phlip & Fed

It sort of feels like if someone was pretending to be "you", & doing a horrible job @ it, in your face, blatantly being a caricature. The overexageration on the clothes, hairstyle, walk, mannerisms, etc. I saw this real cute girl one day, couple years back. I'm not blind or gay, so of course I looked. After about 5 mins, I realized she was walking with a dude. Dude was brushing his hair, like he's trying to get the 360 waves cracking. They get closer, & I was caught off guard by "him" being a her, and doing such a job that I was fooled for a couple minutes. Then the mad-dogging started. We all know that a 150 lb. man is stronger than a 250 lb woman, but that logic has no merit, apparently. I could've destroyed that little dyke bitch. But, nonetheless....

How do you hate something so intently, yet base your whole existence on the emulation of it? Those two actions would seem to cancel each other out. To hell with bagging the baddest broads (anybody who's fairly good @ eating 'tang can do that), if a Cleo wants to impress me, grow a mustache, show me your testicles & let me see you get somebody pregnant. If not, you're just dick-riding MANkind (no pun intended).

Don said...

My dudes...

I hear you, but plenty of times I have had them dykes say...

"Go ahead. Fukk him. That's my peoples..." Even my "girlie girl" Keisha. I don't play into that testosterone ploy. Even when Keisha would get her jaw tapped we would smoke & polly & I would tell her "shut the f*ck up yo and you'll be fine."

When I was in the club scene them lesbos were good $ champs.

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