Hi. My name is Tony.

"Prosecutors are prepared to indict Michael Jackson's doctor for involuntary manslaughter in the death of the pop star, ABC News has learned. Dr. Conrad Murray, a Las Vegas-based cardiologist who was with Jackson when the pop singer died after receiving a lethal cocktail of painkillers and anesthetics June 25, has long been the focus of a homicide investigation."-via ABCnews.com


I don't claim to be an expert in a lot of things in life. A few things, I just know a lot of stuff about, other things I know enough to sprinkle some big words around & appear like I know more than I actually do, & sometimes, I'm just smart enough to know when to shut the hell up, & soak up some knowledge. More people should learn that "shut up & soak" method. I'm positive the world would be a much better place. Funny thing about that though is, the older I get, the more I learn, & the more I learn, the more I see that I don't really know a whole hell of a lot about anything. Go figure. Then again, I've heard that a wise man knows that in actuality, he doesn't know shit. & that, in essence, makes him wiser than most. So, yeah.


Unfortunately, if I had to say I had any actual field of expertise, it would be in addiction. Mine was one of alcohol, but I learned in rehab & therapy that addiction knows no preference. Crack, heroin, crystal meth, beer, it's all the same to addiction. It doesn't base it's target on any specific attributes. It's very flexible & open-ended, like bisexuality. No shots. Addiction is a disease, like AIDS. & I mean that as in, you may or may not be born with it, but once you've got it, only with tender care & education can it be controlled. If you treat it with cavalier abandon, it will destroy you.


[tony's note: im not comparing anything to aids, because that's in a horrible class by itself. god bless anyone who's had to deal with it. that was just for illustration purposes...]


Of course, there are those who seem to magically alleviate the disease, like Earvin Johnson appears to have done with "The Monster," but those people are far & few between. For the most part, it's a sickness that must be treated as soon as the symptom's re-occur. Like a psychological herpes outbreak, except it can kill you.


Now, pardon me as I do a little character assassination. The faint of heart my want to close their eyes. Michael Jackson was a drug addict. I know drug addicts. I'm related to drug addicts. I'm an alcohol addict. Hell, I know quite a few people addicted to food. Point is, the symptoms are the same, & one addict can see another one a mile away. I remember in my rehab classes, the majority of us were alcoholics. I was the worst off, with mild cirrohsis, pneumonia, dehydration, malnutrition, & a host of other ailments that tried their hardest to murder me. The other booze hounds were a lighter grade of addict, & for all intents & purposes, you wouldn't know they drank constantly. Except for one lady who was dark pink; a shade of pink that says she probably poured wine in her breakfast cereal. Aside from us bottle jockeys, there were a few crackheads, & one dude who was obviously riding the "white horse." No bullshit, the first day he came is, he admitted he'd been snorting cocaine all night, & fell asleep in the middle of talking. Snoring & all. I've never seen a person do that. After about 5 seconds of sounding like he was choking on his tongue, he opened his eyes, pulled on his nose, & kept talking. Even our counselor roffled. One guy had a gambling problem, but he was mostly there on a court mandate for drug trafficking. His twin brother was there too, but it was because he smoked way too much weed. Niggas call themselves potheads? No dice. This guy was a pothead. He was basically a cartoon character with flesh. There was this real cool little Asian dude who was in there for huffing. Huffing is inhaling man-made chemicals like paints, cleaners, or solvents. His choice was computer keyboard cleaner. Dude passed out & hit his head on the computer he was supposed to be cleaning one day. That's how his girlfriend found out about his problem, & she threatened to leave him if he didn't get help. He thought the whole ordeal was humorous. & so did we. Funny thing about honest addicts; we laugh at ourselves. When we're away from the judgment of the "normies," & alone with others who understand us, man, that shit's fucking beautiful. It's just horrible that we all develop such intimate relationships behind such atrocious circumstances. Believe me when I say, some of the coolest people I've come across in my life were addicts.


Of about 25 people who were there my entire nine month stint, I'd say 5 relapsed, 2 just never came back, & the others, like me, were determined not to let this addiction get the best of us. I couldn't have left if I wanted, because my legs were painfully swollen due to bodily fluid distribution as a result of my blood transfusion & salt intake, liver swelling, or something like that, & I needed a walker to get around. Yeah, the kid was down for the count. But, unlike a lot of addicts, being so close to death really gave me a renewed outlook on what was important. I'd given over a decade of my life to hardcore, care-free liquor consumption, & fuck that shit. What kind of a punk would I be to die from alcoholism? I'm not saying I'm a punk for having a problem. I'm saying I'd be a punk for laying down & giving up on myself. My wife. My kids. Nah, fuck that shit.


After I was released from the hospital, & started regaining my health, life was a brand new experience. Literally, I left Kaiser a completely different man. I appreciated everything. My first dip back into reality, & off of the "pink cloud" (google that), was when I'd learned, from my wife, that my mother had pulled her to the side, at some point during my hospitalization, & blamed her for my drinking. Wow. I hadn't been mad like that in years. I didn't know the meaning of the word 'livid' until I was livid. How the fuck is she blaming anybody? If she wanted to lay blame, real type, she should've started in the mirror, but that's a post for another day.


There wasn't one single, solitary time in my addiction that anyone made me drink. Unless you count Satan, because we should all know by now that he has the whole world in his hands. Even still, it was my choice, my doing, & I'd never cop out to blaming someone else. Had I died in that hospital bed, like the doctors had told me I probably would, it would have been completely my fault. Granted, most of the individuals in my immediate circle didn't try & stop me, but that had more to do with me being so adamant about drowning my liver in the sauce that they let me be, rather than argue with a lethargic, incoherent fool. The further I sank into my depression, as the disease accelerated, I'd blame myself in various, inexplicable ways (another post, I promise), but never would I stoop to a level of unfiltered cowardice, & blame anyone else.


Conrad Murray, while he was wrong for helping, is not to blame for the mental shortcomings of Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson was addicted to various substances before he even meet Dr. Murray. Just because he was the "King of Pop" doesn't warrant a witch hunt. That's bullshit. Even if Murray administered the last amount of drugs that ultimately killed Michael Jackson, he didn't wander into Jackson's home, off of the street, & attack him with a needle. Michael opened that window long ago, when whatever bothered him got so bad that he needed unnatural disconnect to make it better. I speak from experience. For this man to be the fall guy is absurd, especially with Mike being a 50 year old rich dude, more than capable of making his own decisions. If he was cognizant enough to tell Dr. Murray what drugs he needed, he was also cognitive enough to tell someone that he needed help. Really though.


On April 1, it will have been 2 years since I've had a drink. Hooray for me!

*no thinking cap required

No shots. Not even warning shots. Just saying...


Hip Hop, rap music more specifically, is mad mundane nowadays. That statement alone is one of the reasons Raekwon's 'OB4CL2' & Slaughterhouse's self-titled albums were so well received by the critical public at large. Also, this is why they didn't sell an ass load of albums, either. More on that later...


The Hip Hop fan has grown accustomed to a certain formula. Brainwashed, perhaps. We've graduated from accepting a mediocre beat, if the lyrics were hot (the '90s) to accepting a bland mixture of okay rhymes & so-so tracks (the '00s) to now, the end of 2000's first decade, & rap music is boring as fuck, for the most part. Sans a handful of artists who genuinely craft witty raps without a bunch of unnecessary violence &/or fantasy lifestyle, & it's the same song, over & over again. It's common knowledge that to be a successful rap guy, your chains, your guns, your cars, & your ability to get bitches ranks higher than your song crafting skills. If we get nothing else, that we get. Multiply that complete lack of originality by some trunk-thumpage that the hood rats & socialites alike can shake their tail fur at, & best believe, somebody somewhere will play your shit, loudly & often, however uninspiring it may be.


"Rewindability" is virtually non-existent at present, unless we're talking about DOOM, Slaughterhouse (as a collective), U-God & Ghostface Killa. Ghostface, not so much because he astounds with the verbiage, but because I don't smoke dust blunts. & even with some rewinding, most dudes still have no idea what the hell he's talking about, unless it's his dick. Pause. If I did smoke the leaf that dare not speak it's name though, something tells me he'd be the illest MC ever to grab the mic. I guess Eminem earned a spot in that group as well, but unlike most rap fanatics, I'm willing to admit that somewhere along his audio journey, Marshall Mathers hit me in the brain with so much awesomeness that I'm now hard pressed to be in awe at the majority of his current masterpieces. His genius has leveled off into normalcy, so to speak. He's more Kobe, less Lebron, if you smell my cologne. Once "greatness" has ascended to such an unattainable altitude, we come to expect nothing less than the best. Which, oddly enough, is detrimental to a degree. I guess that's why you don't mack a female with unmitigated A+ game in the first few months. God forbid you two fall in love, & you used all the heavy artillery just to score some trim. When she gets bored, you can't blame anyone but yourself.


Of course there's more than just who's on my preemptive list, but I'm only attempting to scratch the proverbial surface, not take roll call. This is literally a conversation that could last days, & thousands of words, which neither I nor your attention span is willing to commit to.


Now, you have some artists who by all means have the propensity be great, but operate under such a self-defeating agenda that they refuse to let their own light shine. Lupe Fiasco comes to mind, but he's so much smarter than the rest of us that maybe all this is part of a plan, & his plan is coming together like 2 lesbians on a double-edged deluxe gyrating vibrator. Ha! Kid Cudi is cut from that same cloth, also. In a strange turn of events, his quasi-depressing, melancholy approach at Hip Hop music has become his way of life, knocking cats the eff out & getting thrown off of ridiculously lucrative tours all in the name of anti-love. Toss in a Charles Hamilton, & not only do we see the dark side of "the Force" that Kanye West exposed to the world, but also the reason gangsta rap is on life support. Emo-thuggery is running rampant. Skinny jeans may not be able to conceal weapons, but man-bags & Louis Vuitton backpacks can carry guns, as well as plaid ascots & cashmere mittens.


I, for one, miss the days where I almost had to concentrate on rap music to enjoy it. As of late, it's more like having public conversations with some of my terribly less intelligent homeboys, over loud-ass 808 kicks that only muffle their ignorant jaw-jacking, but unfortunately not quite enough to drown them out entirely. There's no imagination, no drive, no real competitive spirit, outside of viral campaigns, tasteless personal attacks, & episodes of 'Candid Camera', with *insert your favorite rapper* doing his best Alan Funt impersonation. Hip Hop has allowed itself to go from two young, amped up tough guys smoking weed & intensely playing Chess, to two lethargic older cats drinking cheap cognac over a game of Checkers, in between nods & space-out moments. Even when they pick up a piece (no pun intended), everyone knows their next move. It's no wonder people get bored & stop watching them play.


Before the hoopla starts, I'm not one of those golden age veterans, who rubs miscellaneous bottles in hopes that I can wish us back to 1992. Hell, in 1992, I was still a virgin, so, yeah. But, I do wish that more effort would be put into making today's rap a sport again. Not a contact sport, because niggas don't fight any more, but a battle of wits, war of words, per se. Legend has it that, in their hey day, MC Ren & Ice Cube would sit in the studio & write against each other, for the same song. Whoever won that impromptu challenge, won the right to pen Eazy-E's verse, in addition to their own. Or, picture Michael Jackson & Paul McCartney working on 'The Girl Is Mine'. Cats may not hit the bowling alley for beer pretzels & White chicks after the studio session, but best believe they pushed one another to do their best, even if their best was only second place. I'll take second place over last any day of the Christian week.


There seems to be a growing surge of rappers who embrace the basic ethos that separates entertainers from MC's. That's a good look for the culture, plus it's not like folks are running out to drop hard hustled recession dollars on physical albums anyway, even when the record is a genuinely good buy. Ask Raekwon & Slaughterhouse. Might as well give the people what they need, because what they want isn't always what's best for them. Like prostitute sex, regardless how good she looks, she's still a hooker, & we know you can do better than that, mayne.

Free Dr. Murray!

I'm pretty sick of hearing about Michael Jackson. I thought the whole point of Death was rest, or "sleep" as it's referred to in the Bible. If there is any relaxation in expiration, Mike's seeing no parts of it. What was the point of an effing funeral if the media just continues to parade his corpse around like pictures of Star Jones after her Lap Band surgery? I wouldn't be surprised if him, Tupac Shakur & Bruce Lee were sipping Pina Colada's on some island, stuffing hundred dollar bills into the coconut bra's of some exotic belly dancers. I'd give my big toe to be a fruit fly on that palm tree.

Anyway...

Dr. Murray, a/k/a Dr. Death (I know, right?) is basically being called a murderer, now that Mike Jack's death is officially a homicide. This newest leg of the witch hunt demands that someone be held responsible for the drug overdose that took the King of Pop from us. Now, all the doctor's who bragged about rubbing elbows with Jackson are wishing they hadn't, as they all are being thrown under the proverbial bus, one at a time. Celebrities by profession are now guilty by association. It's hard to feel sorry for multimillionaires, but God bless them all the same.

The main focus of media at the present is that they lay blame to someone. To me, thats a crock of dinosaur poo. I don't know about elite drug addiction, but I know about addiction, which in the grand scheme of things is the same mechanism. I'm no insider or gossip-heavy industry maverick, but I know exactly who to blame for his unintentional passing. Somebody needs to write me a check, & close the book on this one. Really though.

As most of you know, I'm an alcoholic. In recovery, but an alkie nonetheless. When I was checked into the hospital last year, for a veritable grocery list of ailments, the first thing my mother did was pray. Second thing, look for someone to blame. She gave my wife such a hard time that had I been in decent shape, I would've cursed her like we'd never met. I didn't appreciate that, for all the support my wife had given me through peaks & valleys, here's my mother blaming HER for ME almost committing suicide. No Dice.

No one made me drink. I don't care who handed me monies, or brought liquor to my house, or picked me up to go hang; nobody made me do shit. I chose to drink for breakfast, lunch & dinner. Daily. Weekly. Monthly. Yearly. Sure, some can call not stopping me "enabling", but fuck your psycho-babble jargon. Tony does what Tony wants, which is a 33 year old habit. So, when I detoxed & truly sobered up, I vocally took full blame for my misfortune. What kind of douche would say that their stupidity is someone else's responsibility? Rhetorical question.

My point is, for all the circle-running that people are doing, they continuously overlook the fact that Michael decided, in his own warped, fragile little mind, that what he needed was medication. & lots of it. Sure, the docs didn't have to supply it, but who likes being broke, whilst tons of cash are potentially an immoral phone call away? I don't blame Dr. Murray for seeing this as an opportunity to pay bills, eat food & have somewhere to sleep. Hell, I can't say I wouldn't have done the same thing. If Michael Jackson tells you to do something, you do it. Case in point; rumor has it that MJ made advances on Webster & Macauley Culkin. Look at their respective careers. They should've let Mike do whatever it was he wanted to do to them, & maybe you guys wouldn't be thinking, "who the hell is he talking about?". Catch my drift?

Homicide, no. Suicide, most definitely. If blame absolutely must find a target, paint a bull's eye on the back of Joseph Jackson's fancy sportscoat. Otherwise, Mike was addicted to drugs, & chose to indulge without seeking any help. However slow & calculated, Mike did it to himself, & there's no two ways around it. He was no saint, no angel, & 100% human. Capable of the same fallible, erroneous behaviors as the rest of us.

Rest In Peace, Mike, whenever they decide to let you...

No, he was really moonwalking!

Now that the tributes have happened & the memorializing of an icon is well under way, of course, the debunking must begin.

The die-hard fans have cried, the not-so dedicated followers have begun to move forward, & as the smoke must clear, the truth shall now come to the light. Its mandatory; just the way this life machine works. & let's be honest, who doesn't love a little posthumous drama, especially involving a celebrity. Even if the celeb is revered by some as Music Supremacy.

According to several sources, Michael Jackson was a hardcore drug addict. One such source being TMZ. & not that Harvey Levin is THE man, but he's damn close. Just ask Chris Brown. For all the years of tasteless jokes & speculation aimed toward Mike, who would have thought that the jokes about drug addiction would eventually be deemed accurate? Of course, growing up under Mike's reign, one wouldn't truly subscribe to the theory that his moonwalking was synthetically induced. But, in a strange twist, he really was high enough to traverse the moon's surace. That's pretty f*cking sad.

His open-book life would be worthy of some type of mind-altering device usage. Where I'm from, drugs are introduced early in life to cope with the harsh realities that emerge even earlier. Why would Michael's situation be any different than, say, a teenage mom or a boy who's step dad sexually molested him? Mike's may have been worse, simply because the entertainment business is a cold-blooded monster with no regard to the age of it's victims. Who truly knows what Mike witnessed, but God?

& being in his position in life may have caused a worse outcome than the local crack dealer being your best friend. He had numerous doctors who knowingly subscribed him whatever he wanted, which is clearly illegal. For further proof, Mike had several alias' to collect his narcotics. That's lying. You only lie if you feel there is something to be ashamed of. Yes, even Mike.

He appeared frail & weak sometimes, others he seemed upbeat & over animated. Now, maybe there's a legitimate reason behind those peaks & valleys.

I've been addicted to alcohol, so I know first-hand how seriously that type life can damage you & all those in your vicinity. I guess Mike had enough money to make everything appear okay, until he was no longer available to clean up his mess(es).

The jury is still out on whether or not his personal physician is responsible for his death, but at this rate, its not going to say "Natural Causes" on his death certificate.

He had a heart attack, per se, but it seems his heart was broken long before it stopped beating.

Now, there's a glimmer of reasoning behind the rash choices he seemed to make. Seriously, what sober person buy's another man's bones or owns a pet monkey. I've heard, plenty of times, about his love for the "Jesus Juice", but even a drunk dude doesn't behave in such a manner as to completely alter their appearance. Completely, as in my kids were freaked out when they say pictures of him from birth to death.

"That kid is Michael Jackson, Daddy? What happened to him?"

I've always felt sorry for child celebrities, & I'll be a monkey's uncle (npi) if he doesn't further fuel the flame of infamy ruining a kid's chance at living a normal adult life. Now, even in death, he's unable to find any type of peace. The saddest part is that he so dearly wanted his "kids" to have a good life, but it seems he just dumped a lifetimes worth of complications on their respective laps. Not to mention the doctors who were simply trying to "help out" a friend in pain. More pain than any of us could ever fathom.

Hell, I blame Joe Jackson, truth be told.

I know the drugs are what ultimately killed him, but, one has to wonder. Was it suicide of sorts?

I heart U

I know we've been on Michael Jackson overdose (npi) for about a week now. I refuse to add to that with some "tribute" or give you a reiteration of what the entire planet's been talking about.

What I will do is use the situation as a wake up call for Love. We, as humans, have this unconscious desire to love, & the ability to carry it out into action. Some say that's what separates us from the rest of the animal kingdom. That, & the fact that we worship God. I believe other animals can love, but its more "that's the hand that feeds me" ethos, rather than "I'll die for him by choice".

Either way, I'm not an advocate for animal rights, so in most cases I couldn't care less what happens to them. Don't worry, I don't have any pets. I have kids, I don't need other helpless creatures to poop on my furniture, eat my food & do whatever it takes to garner my attention. & for the record, I don't even like most Humans that much.

But the ones I do care about, its undoubtedly love. I'm old enough to have filtered out the unnecessary buffoons from my life. & most people considered "friends" are just useless seat fillers in the theater of the mind. No Dice. They can get popcorn somewhere else. So, the remainder are part of my extended family, some blood related, most aren't. I don't need similar blood plasma or a DNA test for one to be considered family.

F*@k a Maury Povich.

I said that to say this; appreciate your loved ones while they're here. An old person said to me once, "give flowers to the living". I took that to mean that dead people don't say thank you, much less realize what the hell is going on. They're dead, remember? For some reason, people thought MJ was invincible (again, npi), & we never expected such a thing to happen to him. But it did, & it will happen again countlessly until the last days.

Life is a one-time deal, & within an eye's blink, it can change forever. Take no one for granted. Let those whom you care for know that, as often as you wish. &, on the same token, don't waste time on folks who aren't worth yours.

There's not much worse than a 6 year relationship wasted on some douche who can't give you a refund on time. Actually, what's worse is having an intregal part of your life taken from existence without warning, & living the rest of your life angry because the last time you talked to them was an argument, & you never had the chance to say "I love you", much less say goodbye.

Think about it. God bless. Hey, I love y'all.