Friday, January 8, 2010

Hi. My name is Tony.

"Prosecutors are prepared to indict Michael Jackson's doctor for involuntary manslaughter in the death of the pop star, ABC News has learned. Dr. Conrad Murray, a Las Vegas-based cardiologist who was with Jackson when the pop singer died after receiving a lethal cocktail of painkillers and anesthetics June 25, has long been the focus of a homicide investigation."-via ABCnews.com


I don't claim to be an expert in a lot of things in life. A few things, I just know a lot of stuff about, other things I know enough to sprinkle some big words around & appear like I know more than I actually do, & sometimes, I'm just smart enough to know when to shut the hell up, & soak up some knowledge. More people should learn that "shut up & soak" method. I'm positive the world would be a much better place. Funny thing about that though is, the older I get, the more I learn, & the more I learn, the more I see that I don't really know a whole hell of a lot about anything. Go figure. Then again, I've heard that a wise man knows that in actuality, he doesn't know shit. & that, in essence, makes him wiser than most. So, yeah.


Unfortunately, if I had to say I had any actual field of expertise, it would be in addiction. Mine was one of alcohol, but I learned in rehab & therapy that addiction knows no preference. Crack, heroin, crystal meth, beer, it's all the same to addiction. It doesn't base it's target on any specific attributes. It's very flexible & open-ended, like bisexuality. No shots. Addiction is a disease, like AIDS. & I mean that as in, you may or may not be born with it, but once you've got it, only with tender care & education can it be controlled. If you treat it with cavalier abandon, it will destroy you.


[tony's note: im not comparing anything to aids, because that's in a horrible class by itself. god bless anyone who's had to deal with it. that was just for illustration purposes...]


Of course, there are those who seem to magically alleviate the disease, like Earvin Johnson appears to have done with "The Monster," but those people are far & few between. For the most part, it's a sickness that must be treated as soon as the symptom's re-occur. Like a psychological herpes outbreak, except it can kill you.


Now, pardon me as I do a little character assassination. The faint of heart my want to close their eyes. Michael Jackson was a drug addict. I know drug addicts. I'm related to drug addicts. I'm an alcohol addict. Hell, I know quite a few people addicted to food. Point is, the symptoms are the same, & one addict can see another one a mile away. I remember in my rehab classes, the majority of us were alcoholics. I was the worst off, with mild cirrohsis, pneumonia, dehydration, malnutrition, & a host of other ailments that tried their hardest to murder me. The other booze hounds were a lighter grade of addict, & for all intents & purposes, you wouldn't know they drank constantly. Except for one lady who was dark pink; a shade of pink that says she probably poured wine in her breakfast cereal. Aside from us bottle jockeys, there were a few crackheads, & one dude who was obviously riding the "white horse." No bullshit, the first day he came is, he admitted he'd been snorting cocaine all night, & fell asleep in the middle of talking. Snoring & all. I've never seen a person do that. After about 5 seconds of sounding like he was choking on his tongue, he opened his eyes, pulled on his nose, & kept talking. Even our counselor roffled. One guy had a gambling problem, but he was mostly there on a court mandate for drug trafficking. His twin brother was there too, but it was because he smoked way too much weed. Niggas call themselves potheads? No dice. This guy was a pothead. He was basically a cartoon character with flesh. There was this real cool little Asian dude who was in there for huffing. Huffing is inhaling man-made chemicals like paints, cleaners, or solvents. His choice was computer keyboard cleaner. Dude passed out & hit his head on the computer he was supposed to be cleaning one day. That's how his girlfriend found out about his problem, & she threatened to leave him if he didn't get help. He thought the whole ordeal was humorous. & so did we. Funny thing about honest addicts; we laugh at ourselves. When we're away from the judgment of the "normies," & alone with others who understand us, man, that shit's fucking beautiful. It's just horrible that we all develop such intimate relationships behind such atrocious circumstances. Believe me when I say, some of the coolest people I've come across in my life were addicts.


Of about 25 people who were there my entire nine month stint, I'd say 5 relapsed, 2 just never came back, & the others, like me, were determined not to let this addiction get the best of us. I couldn't have left if I wanted, because my legs were painfully swollen due to bodily fluid distribution as a result of my blood transfusion & salt intake, liver swelling, or something like that, & I needed a walker to get around. Yeah, the kid was down for the count. But, unlike a lot of addicts, being so close to death really gave me a renewed outlook on what was important. I'd given over a decade of my life to hardcore, care-free liquor consumption, & fuck that shit. What kind of a punk would I be to die from alcoholism? I'm not saying I'm a punk for having a problem. I'm saying I'd be a punk for laying down & giving up on myself. My wife. My kids. Nah, fuck that shit.


After I was released from the hospital, & started regaining my health, life was a brand new experience. Literally, I left Kaiser a completely different man. I appreciated everything. My first dip back into reality, & off of the "pink cloud" (google that), was when I'd learned, from my wife, that my mother had pulled her to the side, at some point during my hospitalization, & blamed her for my drinking. Wow. I hadn't been mad like that in years. I didn't know the meaning of the word 'livid' until I was livid. How the fuck is she blaming anybody? If she wanted to lay blame, real type, she should've started in the mirror, but that's a post for another day.


There wasn't one single, solitary time in my addiction that anyone made me drink. Unless you count Satan, because we should all know by now that he has the whole world in his hands. Even still, it was my choice, my doing, & I'd never cop out to blaming someone else. Had I died in that hospital bed, like the doctors had told me I probably would, it would have been completely my fault. Granted, most of the individuals in my immediate circle didn't try & stop me, but that had more to do with me being so adamant about drowning my liver in the sauce that they let me be, rather than argue with a lethargic, incoherent fool. The further I sank into my depression, as the disease accelerated, I'd blame myself in various, inexplicable ways (another post, I promise), but never would I stoop to a level of unfiltered cowardice, & blame anyone else.


Conrad Murray, while he was wrong for helping, is not to blame for the mental shortcomings of Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson was addicted to various substances before he even meet Dr. Murray. Just because he was the "King of Pop" doesn't warrant a witch hunt. That's bullshit. Even if Murray administered the last amount of drugs that ultimately killed Michael Jackson, he didn't wander into Jackson's home, off of the street, & attack him with a needle. Michael opened that window long ago, when whatever bothered him got so bad that he needed unnatural disconnect to make it better. I speak from experience. For this man to be the fall guy is absurd, especially with Mike being a 50 year old rich dude, more than capable of making his own decisions. If he was cognizant enough to tell Dr. Murray what drugs he needed, he was also cognitive enough to tell someone that he needed help. Really though.


On April 1, it will have been 2 years since I've had a drink. Hooray for me!

9 comments:

Technique said...

Congrats on the 2 years pimp!!

I have been saying the same thing about this since I heard Dr. Murray's name.(a million times) If this guy goes to jail....Shit I was gonna say I will lose all faith in our justice system, but I that already happened years ago.

Damn dog i'm 22 and I know i've been drinking way too much since I was 17. Reading your shit kinda scares me man, real talk.

Federal Ranga said...

Addiction is a disease, like AIDS. & I mean that as in, you may or may not be born with it, but once you've got it, only with tender care & education can it be controlled. If you treat it with cavalier abandon, it will destroy you.

^^^^^^^^^^
Realest shit ever read.

Tony Grands said...

@Tech

Nah, don't let it scare you, fam. You're young, enjoy life, just remember shit's mad real.

Capital G said...

The white horse is heroin, that's why homeboy nodded off and re-animated right in front of you. Shit is funny as hell to see but disgusting as fuck at the same time.

Now for Dr. Murray's defense. Why would anyone in their right mind murder their cash cow? Any drug dealer worth their weight knows you don't kill your source of income! You keep your customers high as a giraffe's ass, but still breathing. Only problem with this is, people love the fuck out of Thriller. The public wants someone to hang for murdering their pleasant memories of the '80's. No one gives a shit about a 50 year old drug addicted,moon-walking, Howard Hughes type muthafucka. Fame, money, and bullshit nostalgia are to blame for this witch hunt.

Props on the 2 year mark. We'll keep reading for the next 365, you stay straight and keep writing.

BLESSD1 said...

Cosign w/Cap G. SOMEBODY had to burn for MJ's death, and Conrad Murray was his doctor. Dude being the scapegoat is crazy in that I heard that the concert insurer, AIG (I think), was who hired and paid him. They paid him to say that Mike was fine to do 50 shows when his other doctors had only cleared him for 10. There's a lot of blame to be spread, and MJ certainly has to shoulder quite a bit of hit. God bless him, I was a HUGE fan, but he made his own bed w/his drug use. He pushed his fam away and sought refuge in chemical inebreation until he expired. Good post, Tony.

Matt said...

Real talk, Tony. Everybody finds some kind of justification when they're up in the midst of an addiction, but it's selfishness and stupidity, pure and simple. I smoked weed all throughout college, quit when I needed to get a job, then started right back up. Fuck anybody that says weed isn't addictive.

To this day I crave that mind-numbing hit you feel when you first light into one. But at what price just to feel that again? Have my kids wonder why I'm acting weird? Saying some stupid shit that would embarrass me or my family? Be too fucked up to react if an emergency happened?

I'll never be able to erase the memory of overhearing my son ask where I was one afternoon, and then hearing him say "Oh, my daddy probably went to get my bicycle!" Nah, I was in the bathroom getting high while his childhood passed me by. It IS real shit and real lives that get affected and to me, THAT is what makes it a disease.

I've been off weed since New Year's 2009, so I've just passed the year mark. It ain't been easy, but the reward is worth it.

--OG Matt Herbz--

The Bollocks said...

Real shit. When you got to the part about your mother blaming your lady, I was like "this fool's mad off-track now..." but damn if you didn't bring it back around! Word to the central argument here, though - the only criminal charge that should be brought against dude is malpractice, because he was writing them prescriptions faster than nouveau riche rappers write checks.

Congrats on the impending two-years, man.

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