Hi. My name is Tony.

"Prosecutors are prepared to indict Michael Jackson's doctor for involuntary manslaughter in the death of the pop star, ABC News has learned. Dr. Conrad Murray, a Las Vegas-based cardiologist who was with Jackson when the pop singer died after receiving a lethal cocktail of painkillers and anesthetics June 25, has long been the focus of a homicide investigation."-via ABCnews.com


I don't claim to be an expert in a lot of things in life. A few things, I just know a lot of stuff about, other things I know enough to sprinkle some big words around & appear like I know more than I actually do, & sometimes, I'm just smart enough to know when to shut the hell up, & soak up some knowledge. More people should learn that "shut up & soak" method. I'm positive the world would be a much better place. Funny thing about that though is, the older I get, the more I learn, & the more I learn, the more I see that I don't really know a whole hell of a lot about anything. Go figure. Then again, I've heard that a wise man knows that in actuality, he doesn't know shit. & that, in essence, makes him wiser than most. So, yeah.


Unfortunately, if I had to say I had any actual field of expertise, it would be in addiction. Mine was one of alcohol, but I learned in rehab & therapy that addiction knows no preference. Crack, heroin, crystal meth, beer, it's all the same to addiction. It doesn't base it's target on any specific attributes. It's very flexible & open-ended, like bisexuality. No shots. Addiction is a disease, like AIDS. & I mean that as in, you may or may not be born with it, but once you've got it, only with tender care & education can it be controlled. If you treat it with cavalier abandon, it will destroy you.


[tony's note: im not comparing anything to aids, because that's in a horrible class by itself. god bless anyone who's had to deal with it. that was just for illustration purposes...]


Of course, there are those who seem to magically alleviate the disease, like Earvin Johnson appears to have done with "The Monster," but those people are far & few between. For the most part, it's a sickness that must be treated as soon as the symptom's re-occur. Like a psychological herpes outbreak, except it can kill you.


Now, pardon me as I do a little character assassination. The faint of heart my want to close their eyes. Michael Jackson was a drug addict. I know drug addicts. I'm related to drug addicts. I'm an alcohol addict. Hell, I know quite a few people addicted to food. Point is, the symptoms are the same, & one addict can see another one a mile away. I remember in my rehab classes, the majority of us were alcoholics. I was the worst off, with mild cirrohsis, pneumonia, dehydration, malnutrition, & a host of other ailments that tried their hardest to murder me. The other booze hounds were a lighter grade of addict, & for all intents & purposes, you wouldn't know they drank constantly. Except for one lady who was dark pink; a shade of pink that says she probably poured wine in her breakfast cereal. Aside from us bottle jockeys, there were a few crackheads, & one dude who was obviously riding the "white horse." No bullshit, the first day he came is, he admitted he'd been snorting cocaine all night, & fell asleep in the middle of talking. Snoring & all. I've never seen a person do that. After about 5 seconds of sounding like he was choking on his tongue, he opened his eyes, pulled on his nose, & kept talking. Even our counselor roffled. One guy had a gambling problem, but he was mostly there on a court mandate for drug trafficking. His twin brother was there too, but it was because he smoked way too much weed. Niggas call themselves potheads? No dice. This guy was a pothead. He was basically a cartoon character with flesh. There was this real cool little Asian dude who was in there for huffing. Huffing is inhaling man-made chemicals like paints, cleaners, or solvents. His choice was computer keyboard cleaner. Dude passed out & hit his head on the computer he was supposed to be cleaning one day. That's how his girlfriend found out about his problem, & she threatened to leave him if he didn't get help. He thought the whole ordeal was humorous. & so did we. Funny thing about honest addicts; we laugh at ourselves. When we're away from the judgment of the "normies," & alone with others who understand us, man, that shit's fucking beautiful. It's just horrible that we all develop such intimate relationships behind such atrocious circumstances. Believe me when I say, some of the coolest people I've come across in my life were addicts.


Of about 25 people who were there my entire nine month stint, I'd say 5 relapsed, 2 just never came back, & the others, like me, were determined not to let this addiction get the best of us. I couldn't have left if I wanted, because my legs were painfully swollen due to bodily fluid distribution as a result of my blood transfusion & salt intake, liver swelling, or something like that, & I needed a walker to get around. Yeah, the kid was down for the count. But, unlike a lot of addicts, being so close to death really gave me a renewed outlook on what was important. I'd given over a decade of my life to hardcore, care-free liquor consumption, & fuck that shit. What kind of a punk would I be to die from alcoholism? I'm not saying I'm a punk for having a problem. I'm saying I'd be a punk for laying down & giving up on myself. My wife. My kids. Nah, fuck that shit.


After I was released from the hospital, & started regaining my health, life was a brand new experience. Literally, I left Kaiser a completely different man. I appreciated everything. My first dip back into reality, & off of the "pink cloud" (google that), was when I'd learned, from my wife, that my mother had pulled her to the side, at some point during my hospitalization, & blamed her for my drinking. Wow. I hadn't been mad like that in years. I didn't know the meaning of the word 'livid' until I was livid. How the fuck is she blaming anybody? If she wanted to lay blame, real type, she should've started in the mirror, but that's a post for another day.


There wasn't one single, solitary time in my addiction that anyone made me drink. Unless you count Satan, because we should all know by now that he has the whole world in his hands. Even still, it was my choice, my doing, & I'd never cop out to blaming someone else. Had I died in that hospital bed, like the doctors had told me I probably would, it would have been completely my fault. Granted, most of the individuals in my immediate circle didn't try & stop me, but that had more to do with me being so adamant about drowning my liver in the sauce that they let me be, rather than argue with a lethargic, incoherent fool. The further I sank into my depression, as the disease accelerated, I'd blame myself in various, inexplicable ways (another post, I promise), but never would I stoop to a level of unfiltered cowardice, & blame anyone else.


Conrad Murray, while he was wrong for helping, is not to blame for the mental shortcomings of Michael Jackson. Michael Jackson was addicted to various substances before he even meet Dr. Murray. Just because he was the "King of Pop" doesn't warrant a witch hunt. That's bullshit. Even if Murray administered the last amount of drugs that ultimately killed Michael Jackson, he didn't wander into Jackson's home, off of the street, & attack him with a needle. Michael opened that window long ago, when whatever bothered him got so bad that he needed unnatural disconnect to make it better. I speak from experience. For this man to be the fall guy is absurd, especially with Mike being a 50 year old rich dude, more than capable of making his own decisions. If he was cognizant enough to tell Dr. Murray what drugs he needed, he was also cognitive enough to tell someone that he needed help. Really though.


On April 1, it will have been 2 years since I've had a drink. Hooray for me!

"Blame it on the..."

Finally...

Kanye-Gate has died down. It was kind of fun, I must admit. Seeing the closet-racists poking their heads out, if only to spit in the general direction of our beloved King of EmoRap. All the shots taken at him, some deserved, others not, but all quite amusing. Watching him almost cry during his Jay Leno apology. & let us not forget how he may have single-handedly reprised race relations in America, good or bad. Really though, you've got to respect a man who can get the President of the United States to call him a "jack ass" out loud. He didn't even do that for Joe Wilson. Or John McCain, for that matter. Something tells me that he calls Joe Biden that often, among other things...

Of all the excuses conjured up for Kanye's explosive expression, there's one I didn't hear often enough, but makes the most sense. He was drunk. Sure, people speculated on him swigging from a Hennessey bottle in public, but it was never pinpointed as the epicenter of the folly. I heard/read/saw him called everything from D-bag to racist, but I don't recall too many folks saying, "Hey, dude was just drunk", or something to that effect. Not that that's an excuse, but it's a start.

As you guys know, I'm a recovering alcoholic. I'm well aware of the evils that lurk inside those attractive bottles, with their pretty colors & curvaceous bodies & the damage said evils can cause if not managed properly. Still to this day, my wife will tell me some story about something I did, that I have no recollection of, & I laugh on the outside but feel like an idiot inwardly. One memory that I did seem to log onto my hard drive was being at my wife's best friend's house & cursing at her mom one time. She made some comment, & I said, "So the fuck what?". Jokingly, of course. Needless to say, drunk senses of humor don't mesh well with sober ones. She was dumbfounded, flabbergasted. I have no idea what happened after that, or before, but I do know that my wife & her friend's relationship hasn't been the same since.

Another I'll never forget is when my in-laws came to live with my wife, kids & I for awhile, some years back. I extended my house to them, because they were going through some things financially, & I figured this would be a way to prove to my wife that I'm still a good guy, underneath the stench of whatever liquors I got my hands on. I don't have to say that that decision was one of poor choice. It wasn't long before I was complaining about my lack of privacy & feeling like a child being restricted to his room for punishment. & of course, this led me to drink more. The camel's back-breaking straw was something trivial, but in a drunken fit of rage, I yelled "Get the fuck out! Everybody!", to two women & 4 little girls. &, get out they did, immediately. I felt like crap for at least 3 or 4 days, & even though my wife understood, she was pissed. It took them all awhile to speak to me but eventually they forgave me.

I have a friend; one of those dudes who prides himself on material things. The type of guy who can't differentiate between the words 'wealth' & 'worth'. There was a time that we'd sit & get drunk daily, & every so often I'd talk him into handing me the keys to whatever nice car he was driving at the time. One day, mid-drunkenness, I decided I needed to make a run, so off we went, with me behind the wheel. As I turned a corner, I grinded his front right rim against the curb. Man, I'll never forget getting out of the car & bending down to look at the destruction I caused. Adrenaline & testosterone kicked in, so I undoubtedly had to act as nonchalant & defensive as possible, but in my mind I was well aware of the irresponsible thing I'd done. That was easily one of the highlights of my life's low points. I did apologize, though. I even offered to pay for it, but dude knew I didn't have that kind of money laying around. If I did, I wouldn't have driven his car in the first place. We're still "friends" & he never brings it up, but I'll never forget it.

Last summer, when my alcohol problem finally caught up to me medically, the doctors ran every test on me that could. So, to find out that I was disease-free came as a huge weight being lifted from my shoulders. In my quest to solidify my manhood over the last 15 or so years, who knows how much risky behavior I engaged in that fell into the "blackout" zone. Let us not gloss over the fact that I have a set of twins from a semi-relationship *cough-jump off-cough* almost 9 years ago. At that point in my life, similar to a present day Kanye, I went nowhere without a bottle. Literally. I'd refill my water bottle with anything but water; sad part was that I didn't even drink the water. I'd just pour it out, into the sink. The whole "blackout" scenario is very real; some days I'd wake up & remember I'd had company, but would have to ask someone else who was there. Or receive a phone call regarding the prior night & play along, knowing damn well I truly had no idea what they were talking about. During my stint in the hospital, I asked my doc if they thought that I might have any other medical problems, to which he replied "nah, we had to check you for everything, you're clean", as if he knew what I was alluding to.

I have a pretty close friend named Charlie. One of my old drinking buddies. The last time I saw him he was telling me that I drink too much. That was the equivalent of a really fat person telling a slightly less fat person to slow down on the chili cheese fries. Later that day, after a morning stocked with beer & Vodka, he got into a fight with one of our neighborhood chicks, then her boyfriend, then walked around the corner to her house & set it on fire. Alcohol is a helluva drug. But, I'm sure he'll be good & sober when he gets released from prison in 4 years.

Admittedly, I was a self-involved jerk, who didn't care much for how other folks felt, or what they're were going through. In hindsight, it's a wonder I still have friends. & thank God that my wife is intelligent & compassionate enough to have seen past the facade. The average person would've done what most people eventually did do; left me alone with my drink.

Again, being drunk stops being cute when it affects other people, & maybe this was the wake up call Kanye needed. I'm not suggesting dude check himself into rehab or anything, but if a problem is brewing (no pun intended), that may be something he wants to research. It might save him a lot of future grief. & since I'm almost positive that he'll never read this, then I'm saying this to whoever needs to read it.

That "Blame It On The Alcohol" song would have gone a completely different direction than getting loaded & having great parties with the opposite sex if I wrote it. Drunk drivers accidentally kill people, & what do they do? Women get raped at parties, & what do they do? I needed a liver transplant, & what did I do?