Thursday, January 29, 2009

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*thunderous applause*

Barak Hussein Obama has done it! After decades of speeches, rallies, movements, & tremendous bloodshed, the dream has finally been realized.

Just look around at all the commemorative plates, collectible coins, swap meet T-shirts & "GObama!" bobbleheads flooding our street corners. I just copped me some Obama shoelaces & a "BaRak Yo' Block!" key chain. Can't beat 2 for 5. Congratulations are in order & well deserved.

*cue "Hail to the Chief"*

In America's eyes, a black man is now Commander-in-Chief. But to black folks, we know black men to be, well, a lot different than our President is. Could you imagine...

*DJ scratching "If I ruled the world" by NaS feat. Lauryn Hill*

Upon announcing his acceptance of the nomination, the speakers would begin blaring "My President is Black", complete with a surprise performance from Young Jeezy, draped in a red, white & blue ankle length chinchilla fur coat, throwing bottles of Belvedere vodka into the audience. The soon to be president-elect throwing up his W's (for Washington, no doubt) in the background. As he & Jeezy exit the platform, he quickly swings back around, & shouts "y'heard?!?" into the mic before chucking the deuce.

The secret service/hype men are uniformed in XXLarge white tees, complete with starched sleeve creases & all white Air Force 1's (of course) to match. Cornrows optional, stunna shades mandatory.

There's a few fist fights in the 3 mil plus crowd, the faint stench of purple kush wafting through the air, combining with all the Cool Water & Drakkar fumes you would expect from so many black folks in one location. As the cavalry of triple-black armored Benz trucks roll out, it would be easy to spot the soon-to-be president's vehicle, because his license plate would read "SALLGUD". 26" chrome rims sparkle as they swerve towards destiny.

Inauguration Day would historically be moved to Los Angeles, held at the Staple Center, on a Sunday morning. On this day, every Baptist church in South Cali is empty. Now, imagine the tailgate party when Clarke plays Grambling. Then multiply that by 10,000. You could smell the barbecue ribs from Inglewood, all the way to Pico Rivera.

Hangover in full swing, Mr. President makes his way to the podium. Removing a pair of Gucci shades (the ones with the huge gold insignia on the side), he glances red-eyed over the sea of people, & then bellows a tremendously loud "Hellllllllllll Yeeeeeeeyaaaaaaaah". The crowd goes wild, a couple of gunshots ring out in the distance, which cause the secret service to discard their barbecue filled paper plates & pick up their unregistered fire arms. But all remains peaceful, that's just how we celebrate.

After a very brief speech that starts with "Yo!" & finishes with "Nah'mean?!", he steps back, opens his suit jacket to reveal body armor & screams, "Weeee maaaaaaaade iiiiiiiit! Fo' mo' yeahs! Fo' mo' yeahs!", as animated onlookers join in with the chant. Jesse Jackson appears from nowhere to join the on stage festivities, but is beaten severely about the head & shoulders, & dragged off the stage kicking & screaming. Secret service quickly return to their chicken, ribs & cans of grape soda. The crowd explodes with excitement, & the one white guy who had the balls to come & support the cause is robbed at gunpoint amongst a sea of wave caps, braids & the occasional Jheri Curl.

The President is then joined by all three of his baby mommas, along with three younger ladies (his daughters Sh'Terra, Monifa & Gwendanae, who's pushing a baby stroller) & two young men (his sons DaLonte & Martelle) dressed just like the secret service, but in platinum chains with rotating, diamond covered medallions of Martin Luther King Jr. & Rosa Parks' faces.

The first family, indeed.

*cue "Hail to the Chief"*

Meanwhile, somewhere in the trenches, various KKK groups are madder than hell, but even more scared to leave their log cabins. The smart ones have stocked up on enough bologna, chewing tobacco & whiskey to last the entire 4 year term.

Sean "P. Diddy" Combs remixes The National Anthem, & Newport cigarettes experiences their largest profit margin ever.

God Bless America, Fa Sho!

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