Thursday, January 22, 2009

FuN iN a bOTtLe: part one

Two things that constitute a good blogger are; intellect & experience. The best blogs satellite around based opinions, sprinkled with sparse narration, & usually give the reader a thought or three that had not existed previously. Hence, I try & steer clear of that of which I know not, for the sake of looking like a pathetic pseudo-know it all. If you think I'm doing a good job, slap the person next to you. Hard.

With that said, I'm going to throw myself under the bus here. I'm a recovering alcoholic. The story that lead me to such a catergory, while very interesting, isn't the point, but the segue. The point is actually, I know drunk. Fall down, piss in the trash can, "Damn, I did that?" drunk. I started drinkin at the age of 18, & didn't look back until God stepped in & basically said, "Aight pal, if you don't like it here, you can leave! & I'll help you pack."

I'm sure it's obvious I chose to stick around.

But, knowing full fledge alcoholism has its benefits, however absurd. A lot of things in life are somewhat enjoyable, but bein drunk makes everything a party!

1. Sex-The most experienced sex machine will admit that the Dance of Nakedness can be very awkward. I'm sure it's just animal instinct, but there's something about exposed body parts flopping around all willy-nilly that gets people going, yet at the same time makes us blush in places you wouldn't see if we were clothed. Sort of like Adam & Eve, when they bit the apple, then scurried in opposite directions for coverage.

From the first move, to the ceremonious undressing, to the nitty-gritty of bumpin uglies, it can be uncomfortable. Especially afterwards ("So, uh, how much do I owe you?"). But, booze makes it joyous, anonymous, & easy to forget, good or bad.

Sobriety makes you want to be considerate, focusing on sensuality & pleasure. Blah. Inebriation removes those governors, & all energy is aimed toward the goal at hand, explosion. Hopefully for the ladies as well. All the weird position finding becomes irrelevant, because where there's a will, there's a way. Elbows & hair aren't a major factor when one doesn't know up from down. The target is in the same location as it was each & every time you've engaged in the act prior to this one.

Lastly, as the sauce saturates your innards, it lulls you into slumber to prepare for the hasty retreat the following morning. Unless you unconciously choke on your vomit & die in your sleep.
*bloggers note: don't drive drunk & always use protection*

2. Conversation-Any loudmouth can blab endlessly about just about anything. Proven fact, just look at most politicians, & what the hell is a philosopher anyway? The average person knows at least one iota about some random subject, & if they're good liars as well, there's no end to the exchange of moronic ideas. But, incorporate a little happy juice, and what would've been a night of boring jibberjabber becomes an evening at the intellectual's roundtable. Sports seem to be the most common topic. Boozehounds may forget where they left their keys, may not know how to get back home, might not even be able to decipher pretty from ugly. But I bet they know the stats from every NBA game on last night, with or without cable. I had a buddy who got so drunk, he told me stories about his childhood that, well, let's just say I got extremely uncomfortable & asked him to leave my house. Watching two drunk dudes get into a serious debate is like watching monkeys trying to start a fire with bananas. It begins with the economy, & somewhere around the Big Bang theory, veers off towards why people have pinky toes. & if it doesn't end with one of the guys yelling, "I'll cut yo' ear off" then they weren't drunk enough.
*bloggers note: Be careful, dude WILL cut yo' ear off*

3. Babysitting other peoples children-Just joking. I wanted to see if you were paying attention.

Stay tuned for part two..........