Monday, May 18, 2009

I can make you famous.

We all wanted to be famous at some point or another. I know I sure as hell did.

I planned on being the first rapping actor. Decades ago. After I reached the heights of celebrity status, I was going to teach a class on how to be the best icon one could be. No Dice. The closest I've ever gotten to super stardom was being the father of the most smart-mouthed girl in the second grade. But, I did get to sign autographs though. All over parent-teacher conference notices.

Obviously, I took a spot on the sidelines & have been an avid spectator ever since. As we all know, from here, you can see the whole game. The best coaches do so from their recliners, with their drug(s) of choice at hand. I was watching an episode of "I Love Lucy" (best show ever, btw) this morning, & I noticed that the best ones were where Lucy was trying to help Rick's career by creating some lame ass publicity stunt. Good intentions, bad results, like getting married because of pregnancy.

Now I'm thinking about the whole "beef" in hip hop controversy deal. More often than not, the public declares "pub stunt!" when a couple of artists start throwing darts at one another. Maybe it is, maybe it isn't. But, I've been alive long enough to know that scientifically, some folks just don't mesh well, like wives & babymommas. But, assuming the "beef" scenarios are stunts, why not kick it up a notch, a la Lucy McGuillocutty Ricardo.

I say Balls to the Wall [||].

They want autographs, give them autographs. Walk through the mall, nude as a newborn with nothing but a bright red Sharpie. The fine you'll receive for Indecent Exposure would fail in comparison to the amount of fans that draws. You might even get some sweet action in a public restroom. This particular stunt is geared more towards the men, because we wouldn't want any ladies being gang-raped at the food court. While it would make for the most akward porno ever, it just wouldn't be a good look for whatever city she represents. Body grooming for such an excursion is optional, but if they don't recognize you for whatever talent you've been showing, there's always the off-chance that some tourists might mistake you for Bigfoot. Or the worlds most hairless man. Either or, someone will be talking about you by dinnertime.

Public intox is always a crowd pleaser also. Not drunk driving, I don't condone that, but taking the family out to Disneyland, completely hammered would be the "TMZ" moment those pesky paps search for. The guy in the Mickey Mouse costume may be used to kids kicking him about the thigh & shins, but imagine a 20-something year old man dry-humping his hind quarters. Good times. But not just there; everywhere. 7-eleven. Walmart. Chuck E. Cheese's. Church. Kind of like a One Man Show, except incoherent & throw-upy.

Hell, I'll even take a page from Jim Jones' *dusts off paper* book of fame. Have one of your baggage handlers keep a camera phone ready at all times. Be your own paparazzi. There's always one guy willing to do anything to be down with the "movement". So, slap him around, record it, send it to YouTube, Myspace, WSHH, vimeo & before you know it, you'll be the douche you aim to be known as. With the right coersion, you may even have a buddy willing to let you shoot him in the ass, granted the gun isn't more than a .22. It worked for the guy in the movie "Notorious".

Controversy sells, this we know. But all I'm saying is be the master of your destiny. If you can properly commandeer these talents, your actual talents can be meh at best & you'll still blow the eff up. Anyone who dares to challenge my theory, I ask you; what the hell did Paris Hilton do to become so popular? How does one have their own perfume without any sort of skill whatsoever? I know plenty of girls who sleep around & the last thing I would want is for my significant other to smell like those broads.

Take note, all you fame chasers. It's 5% skill, 25% luck & 70% what you do with it.

& be advised, only the most talented of performers 15 minutes extend beyond the time limit. Inevitable scrutiny & short attention spans demand that the "It" person of the moment be replaced more rapidly than a prostitute's pantyliner. You MUST give the public what they want. Stupidity, idiocy, Tom Foolery, & in some more advanced cases, nigtastic shuck & jive coupled with coontrocities beyond belief. Like thanking slave masters for one's success. Or opening schools in a African wastelands while there's a 40% drop out rate here in the USA. Trust me, the boundaries are limitless.

So, stop sitting around hoping that the world is waiting anxiously for your skill set to be unsheathed. That probably won't happen. But, with a little know-how, TMZ will be broadcasting your personal life, thus making yours a household name. & for the record, same-sex kissing & amateur porn are yesterday's news. Time to step your game up. America loves a psychopath.

Your audience awaits.......