Kanye West: Passin' Go & Collectin' $200

We all saw the footage of Mr. West "assaulting" that paparazzi douche nozzle at L.A.X. Oh, sweet irony (double pun intended-ha!). When him & his boyfriend grabbed the camera & slammed it down, I laughed until I peed a little. For his heinous attempt at being gangsta, he received community service, 50 hours worth. Not hard core community service like beat-a-bitch Brown got, though. Chris Brown at least has the opportunity to come across ejected weapons or dead body parts, if he's lucky. God forbid he gets hit by a car while he's out there collecting trash, dude will be like the Hip Hop James Dean. Kanye received 50 hours, probably to be served at the Salvation Army depot of his choosing, where he could sell a homeless man a third-hand shirt AND explain how it should be haberdashered. If so, the next time you come across a well dressed hobo, you can thank Kanye West for that. Although, I'd be hard pressed to toss my loose change at a dude wearing argyle socks, no matter how much he smelled of urine.


Kanye's judge had to have been a fan of his music. Normally, White men that high up on the food chain would relish the moment where that can proverbially backhand a Black man, much less a rap cat. Maybe word got to his chambers that Kanye wasn't a "real" rapper, one who specializes in genocidal, ubermisogynistic messages of self-destruction & false hope. You know, the successful ones. Or maybe the judge watched enough TV to know that there was a chance that an unhappy Kanye would snatch the gavel &/or possibly whine until he was held in contempt. Sounds like an avoidable headache to me; most likely the same reason why that Black chick kicked him to the curb to begin with.


But, had the judge been a wise man, he would have sent Kanye to jail for at least 30 days. Not only would it have opened up Kanye to a whole new fan base (no pun intended), but the prison system could have benefited immensely. Kanye's the consummate expresser; he makes a living on revealing his thoughts to the public, regardless of backlash. Coincidentally, a lot of dudes in jail are in jail because they couldn't manage their emotions. Like, instead of telling their baby mom's "Fuck You!", they slit her throat (not that I agree, but I understand...). Imagine, if you will, Kanye playing '808's & Heartbreaks' to a cafeteria full of criminals who's Mom's didn't hug them enough & Dad's never showed them how to catch a baseball. He could even use flowers & Barbie dolls as visuals aids. Emo-rap is as therapeutic as it is questionable, & I'm sure at least two dudes would have gleaned something from Kanye teaching the audience that, sometimes, it's okay for a man to cry.


Kanye would've also gained from such an experience. First & foremost, once he found out the origin of one's pants sagging, & what it really signifies, I highly doubt he'd continue to walk around advertising the hershey highway to those hungry for a test drive. Fashion's no longer just "fashion" once men want to penetrate your rectum. & to think, a young, bald headed White kid, in the right light at the wrong time could easily be mistaken for a less flattering Amber Rose to a detoxing Kanye. Between night sweats & withdrawal pangs, he could reach over for comfort & leave the scant amount of manhood he does have in his past forever more.


I wish incarceration on no man, but some time off may do him some good. Especially if he finds the smallest guy in the lunch room & beats him senseless with his dinner tray. While the bigger bad guys may only laugh, the rest of the small fry's will fall gingerly in line, protecting their new leader & washing his underwear, with or without him still wearing them. Maybe then Kanye will fully understand how much of a role model he is, & think twice before
accosting defenseless White girls on live television, even if he intends on letting her finish her speech.


This community service crap only amounts to a slap on his lavender G-shock. & something tells me this won't be the last time he gets arrested on less than masculine charges. Perhaps next time, it'll be something more ballsy, like slapping the shit out of his pool boy or not paying a parking ticket. As long as it's equally as humorous, I couldn't possibly care any less.