Nick Cannon: Man on Fire

Now, we all know who Nick Cannon is, I assume. Even the fellas who aren't all that partial to other guys know him, if only because their girlfriends or daughters love that scene from 'Drumline' where he faces off against the other squad. Not that it was the feel-good flick of that year, but drums & thousands of Black people = mild humor, if nothing else. He also had a show on Nickolodeon, called 'Wild N Out', which I never quite understood, but to his credit, I drank a whole lot back then. So, it was either that, or the show really did suck & I'm trying to play nice.

[tony's note: i took a poll [||]. it sucked.]

More recently though, he's achieved a trifecta of B-list stardom unmatched by most of his colleagues. First, he married the heiress to Whitney Houston's R&B drama queendom; Mariah Carey-more on that later. Next he became the host/resident token Black for the show "America's Got Talent", where not only is he NOT one of the judges, but one would assume that he only got the job because he's possibly the most non-threatening negro in Hollywood, right next to Daryl "Chill" Mitchell (the handicapped dude on the show 'Brothers'). Lastly, he engaged in a, umm, heated war of words with pop star terrorizer/rap phenomenon Eminem. Em & Mariah have a strange history, where they may or may not have had sexual relations, & frequently through his music, Marshall Mathers throws Mrs. Cannon under the bus, then jumps down there right along with her. Like kamikaze paparazzi. Ftr, I don't condone stalking, but sometimes it's funny to see successful men flailing their arms at women who wouldn't take the time to squat & piss on them if they were on fire. The last effort to drag her through the mud wasn't very well received by Mr. Carey, & he took to his blog with chants of racism & threats of violence. He even went as far as to invite Em to settle it "like men", whatever that's supposed to mean coming from a guy like Nick. He's not big enough or ashy enough to strike too much fear in anyone this side of the Nickelodeon Network. Of course, Eminem only picks on people he knows won't do shit, ie White girls, but he probably wasn't expecting such a chivalrous move from Cannon. I'm not mad at Nick; I protect my wife as well, really though. Little known fact; Cannon is in very good shape, at least physically. I'm more apt to believe an attention-starved pseudo-celeb can kick the shit out of a 40 year old, ex-drug addict rapper. Especially a white one (no shots). Plus, cougar or not, Mariah is definitely the type of bride whom one would easily find themselves having as much sex with her as she allowed. Maybe even sneaking a little piece if she's too tired. Why not defend her honor?

By these three matters of happenstance, Mr. Carey finds himself in the spotlight again, per se. The fact that he's in the background of Mariah's paparazzi pictures holding her purse & mink stoles only lends more credit to his celebrity. Hey, it works for Common.

But now, Nick may be up against his most formidable adversary yet. Word is, Mariah's got a bun in the oven. Assuming it's Nick's, those boobs won't just be his to motor boat at his leisure. Those hips won't just be for grabbing as he straddles, but for bearing children. This baby stands the chance of knocking Nicky off of the radar for at least 18 years. For the sake of argument, the kid will be cute, talented in some way or another & easier to carry around then Nick, a grown man. How could Mariah not see this as publicity beyond her wildest dreams? The headlines will read "Mariah & Child!", & the pictures will have Nick C., as usual, handling baggage. If I were him, I'd not only be pissed that I didn't sign a prenup, but also that I didn't get a vasectomy. This unwitted, unprotected sex move might have cost him much more than bedazzled diapers & solid gold baby bottles. His greatest publicity feat, marrying arguably the sexiest 50-something year old woman ever, will be all for naught in approximately 8 or so months.

So my advice for Nick; beat the hell out of Eminem. Go looking for him. Immediately. Seriously, wait for the dude backstage at an awards show, alone, & run at him throwing all the punches those little arms can muster up. It doesn't matter if he's not alone; you may get effed the eff up, but that will play on people's sympathies. Another win! You can't lose here. & your child will hear stories of the day you protected it's mom's reputation, subsequently making you a man that your seed can look up to. More so than cooning around on stage in a 3 piece suit & introducing folks who can turn their eyelids inside out or twirl hula hoops while double-dutching. Don't worry about 50 Cent or G-Unit; they have better things to do than run to the aid of their aging boss man. In fact, you may want to throw that race card out there before you attack. Remind 50 Cent that a White man is pulling his strings, & how every album he releases is the equivalent of another row of corn & cotton being shucked for the White man's pocket book.

Hear my cries Nick, the time is now. Don't wait for your wife to give birth to a precious baby girl. Dude, you won't win that popularity contest. Good luck & God speed...