Thursday, December 10, 2009

Bran Flakes

For what it's worth, Nicki Minaj is eye candy. Don't know how bright she is, not really concerned about how well she raps, but if nothing else, she can take her shirt off & do some jumping jacks, & all would be good. Can I get an amen? That's the role of the female rapper these days. Soft porn with a voice over. & who knows, maybe Remy Ma is penning super-raps in between doing push-ups & taking soups & spreads from lesser hoes, but with all the bitchassness in Hip Hop, we really don't NEED females to rap, per se. I, for one, can only spend but so much time in a sausage factory, & would appreciate the ladies touch, but these days it's either skank skeezer or dyke butch. Or, an odd combination of the two, which just takes me right back to all the rap dudes who have vaginises.

[tony's note: vaginas + penises =...]

So, what would you do if you were a semi-famous, out of work r&b starlette? Well of course, try to satisfy Hip Hop's feminine void. That's where 'Bran Nu' steps into the game. Y'all might remember her as Fredro Starr's jump-off, Moesha, from the "hit" TV series 'Moesha'. The show with the two fat chicks & the post-Urkel, pre-Jordan geeky black kid with huge ears. He never did grow into them joints. Brandy Norwood, Rodney Jerkins' ex-wife, is throwing her weave into the ring as an MC. Why, you ask? It may have something to do with 'Moesha' not being in syndication anymore, or that song 'I wanna be down' was a cry for Hip Hip acceptance. Either way, I don't see much transpiring from this.

Maybe she saw Drake singing, acting & rapping, & figured she's a big enough star to pull off the trifecta as well. She has a rappity-rap song on Timbaland's latest release, 'Shock Value 2', but where the hell is Magoo? I'd much rather hear him humpty-dumpty his way across futuristic triple-time drum sequences than the other girl from 'The Boy Is Mine'. Monica has a TV show. & so does her brother, Ray J. Just saying.

“What I’m doing on the album is a little bit different than what everybody knows me for. It was a great experience. I got a chance to be another part of myself,”- Brandy via

If I was her, I'd get some breast implants & the best ghostwriter coochie can buy. Otherwise, this may go down as a horrible career move. Again, Monica has a TV show. Mediocre rapstresses are nothing new, plus it's hard to follow behind the imprints left by Lyte, L-Boogie, Lil Kim & Fox Brown. The main factor in being a femcee is "sexability" these days, & in all my years of watching 'Moesha' (y'all niggas watched it, too!), I never once thought to myself, "word, I wanna hit that". Yes hetero. What's she going to rap about anyway? Gunning down fellow lady rappers? No dice. Sex? Eh. Women's liberation? Look, if I wanted to hear a Black chick yammer about the fruits of equality, I'd call my grandmother while she's watching Oprah Windbag.

Think about it: Jean Grae can't make it because the game doesn't respect her. Nicki Minaj won't make it because the people don't respect her. Where would Moesha fit in to this cycle? If I don't like Coke & can't stomach 7-up, then I damn sure don't want that generic grocery store sugar water. Watered down r&b songs are user-friendly. However, watered down Hip Hop is an attack on my intelligence. Then again, she could be opening up a whole new market: Menstrual flow. & for a week each month, while women bleed, bloat & bitch, she can provide a soundtrack. Kind of like how 'Coke Rap' comes off really well between the 1st & the 15th every single month, no doubt about it.

Being a female rap star is hard enough with certain aspects working FOR you. I guess she doesn't follow rap music that closely.


Chilly Willy said...

Good read, Tony!

But is it me or Moesha actually killed people runnin up on them with a SUV? That's Kanye PMS worthy gangsta shit right there !

Off topic,I'd never thought about hittin Rudy Huxtable either if I was given the occasion, but try to google/bing how she grew up, you'll never ask me twice, for real.

Tony Grands said...


Yeah, Rudy's on 'Tyler Perry's House Of Payne'. Yes hetero. She developed into quite the specimen.

Curtis75Black said...

You are one of the best bloggers ever homie !! Constantly on point. A Chilly, you probably didn't want to hit Rudy Huxtable because she was young as Hell when we 1st met her. As you said already, she filled out very well !! Oh and Bran- nu needs to get a sitcom or jump on a drama because picking up the mic and not singing is wack

Federal Ranga said...

This is another reason why Em is the GOAT. I'll connect it with your post.

Think of all the Em songs where he was arguing, confronting or flirting with women and rapped AS the woman talking, etc back to/at him...

The Real Slim Shady, Kim II, Superman just to name a few. Him pretendin to be a broad rhymin was ill.

Just saying... If some of these crappers (c) came with it super hard, no gimmicks, they'd get some shine.

Back to Rudy Hux though... none of ya'll would hit it? You guys MUST know something I dont.

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