Douche Nozzle of the Decade

'Entertainment Weekly' just announced that Kanye West's debut album, 'College Dropout', is the album of the decade. Whether I agree or not is unimportant. What is important however, is that I'm always suspicious of a bunch of White people telling me how good something is. I'm almost positive the exact same thing happened in Africa, some half a millennium ago, when a bunch of filthy, underweight, scurvy-infected pirates convinced a handful of tribal patriarchs that their servants & field hands would enjoy a trip on their big, shiny boats. You see where that got us, right? If I was a (bigger) douche nozzle, I'd say that by that same standard, people should've been leary of Barack Obama. Just saying. Anyway, these so-called "Best of..." lists are always funny to me, because who decides who wins & loses? Somebody somewhere is always winning some type of award, but who the fuck has the say so?


Case in point; Flo Rida's album 'R.O.O.T.S.' was nominated for a Grammy. Dude, the only people I know that have his album are horny fat chicks & openly gay guys. Not that I condone either lifestyle, but I don't judge. I'm not to familiar with the Grammy nomination process, but I know Flo Rida's music is shit biscuits. No shots, but I just don't get how his music is worthy of such a prestigious accolade. That 'Low' song is at least a year & a half old, & it's not even on this 'R.O.O.T.S.' album. It would appear he's paid a visit to those homo's & hippo's, but what do I know? The closest I've ever been to a "Grammy" was not being able to pronounce my mom's mom's name correctly as a toddler, so eff my opinion regardless.


I don't know if Kanye's album was they best of a ten-year period, but it was damn good. & I don't need a bunch of soccer moms who think fist-bumps are cool to convince me of that. Hip Hop-wise, I'd be more apt to say it was 50 Cent's 'Get Rich Or Die Tryin', but I like my music with a little aggression. Kanye, even when he throws out a curse word or two, is always a safe bet. On the other hand, I'd definitely give him the "Douche Bag of the Decade" award. The only possible way he could be more of a jerk is if he shaved off his mustache. Only a tool bag would carry around man bags & wear a shag long enough to trick uppity negro babies into thinking it was cool, then swiftly cut it off. Only an asshole would walk a red carpet holding a bottle of Hennessey, swigging away like he hated his liver, on camera. I know hard body alcoholics, with no morals or standards, who wouldn't do that, because they know how pompous they'd look. Poor & dirty, but pompous nonetheless.


Many have said it before, but Kanye's "life threatening" car accident was indeed the turning point in his life, & career as well. But, the audience missed the point. The song 'Through The Wire' wasn't about overcoming adversity to become a champion. It was a direct slap in our faces, an advertisement that he was now transformed into a bigger, stronger Kanye. & he's better than everyone. That's the kind of impetuous attitude one must have to walk into Louis Vuitton's home building & demand an internship. Shit, niggas wouldn't walk into Macy's & demand a job, so that's an example of the elephant balls dude's got tucked away in his mandex jeans. Let us be reminded that this man went on record, research if you choose, saying that he would prefer to be referred to as Martin Louis the King, Jr. Wtf?


I'm positive Kanye smokes clove cigarettes. If you've ever met anyway who smokes clove cigarettes, you know exactly what I'm talking about.


One has to wonder, if you will, what types of shenanigans this cat has up his sleeves for 2010. He'd be hard pressed to top schmedium mohawks & sunglasses that resemble window blinds. If he & Amber Rose get married, like they're rumored to do, then he will have legitimately become rap music's David Bowie. A misunderstood sonic genius, trapped in shiny, too small clothing with an exotic, overrated model by his side. & before Brad Garrett & Mike Tyson made it trendy to spaz on paparazzi, Kanye was in Europe, surrounded by what seemed to be flamboyant superheroes, screaming at the top of his shirt-constricted lungs about his right to privacy. The same privacy one forfeits once they decide to tread down the road of popular music. The same privacy that douches expect to have, as you go out & support their products, even when they do their best Peter Frampton impersonations.


[tony's note: peter frampton was using the vocorder long before roger troutman...]


Since these "list" are so important to modern society, unlike homelessness, disease & poverty, I'm sure he'll end up on some "People to watch" compilation with other like-minded doorknobs. Expect him to buy some African kids, move to Russia, get a reality show, or stop wearing shoes altogether, within the next 10 years.


[tony's next note: if i left out any jackassery, feel free to remind me...]

Bran Flakes

For what it's worth, Nicki Minaj is eye candy. Don't know how bright she is, not really concerned about how well she raps, but if nothing else, she can take her shirt off & do some jumping jacks, & all would be good. Can I get an amen? That's the role of the female rapper these days. Soft porn with a voice over. & who knows, maybe Remy Ma is penning super-raps in between doing push-ups & taking soups & spreads from lesser hoes, but with all the bitchassness in Hip Hop, we really don't NEED females to rap, per se. I, for one, can only spend but so much time in a sausage factory, & would appreciate the ladies touch, but these days it's either skank skeezer or dyke butch. Or, an odd combination of the two, which just takes me right back to all the rap dudes who have vaginises.


[tony's note: vaginas + penises =...]


So, what would you do if you were a semi-famous, out of work r&b starlette? Well of course, try to satisfy Hip Hop's feminine void. That's where 'Bran Nu' steps into the game. Y'all might remember her as Fredro Starr's jump-off, Moesha, from the "hit" TV series 'Moesha'. The show with the two fat chicks & the post-Urkel, pre-Jordan geeky black kid with huge ears. He never did grow into them joints. Brandy Norwood, Rodney Jerkins' ex-wife, is throwing her weave into the ring as an MC. Why, you ask? It may have something to do with 'Moesha' not being in syndication anymore, or that song 'I wanna be down' was a cry for Hip Hip acceptance. Either way, I don't see much transpiring from this.


Maybe she saw Drake singing, acting & rapping, & figured she's a big enough star to pull off the trifecta as well. She has a rappity-rap song on Timbaland's latest release, 'Shock Value 2', but where the hell is Magoo? I'd much rather hear him humpty-dumpty his way across futuristic triple-time drum sequences than the other girl from 'The Boy Is Mine'. Monica has a TV show. & so does her brother, Ray J. Just saying.


“What I’m doing on the album is a little bit different than what everybody knows me for. It was a great experience. I got a chance to be another part of myself,”- Brandy via AllHipHop.com


If I was her, I'd get some breast implants & the best ghostwriter coochie can buy. Otherwise, this may go down as a horrible career move. Again, Monica has a TV show. Mediocre rapstresses are nothing new, plus it's hard to follow behind the imprints left by Lyte, L-Boogie, Lil Kim & Fox Brown. The main factor in being a femcee is "sexability" these days, & in all my years of watching 'Moesha' (y'all niggas watched it, too!), I never once thought to myself, "word, I wanna hit that". Yes hetero. What's she going to rap about anyway? Gunning down fellow lady rappers? No dice. Sex? Eh. Women's liberation? Look, if I wanted to hear a Black chick yammer about the fruits of equality, I'd call my grandmother while she's watching Oprah Windbag.


Think about it: Jean Grae can't make it because the game doesn't respect her. Nicki Minaj won't make it because the people don't respect her. Where would Moesha fit in to this cycle? If I don't like Coke & can't stomach 7-up, then I damn sure don't want that generic grocery store sugar water. Watered down r&b songs are user-friendly. However, watered down Hip Hop is an attack on my intelligence. Then again, she could be opening up a whole new market: Menstrual flow. & for a week each month, while women bleed, bloat & bitch, she can provide a soundtrack. Kind of like how 'Coke Rap' comes off really well between the 1st & the 15th every single month, no doubt about it.


Being a female rap star is hard enough with certain aspects working FOR you. I guess she doesn't follow rap music that closely.