My Open Letter To Drake: Rough Draft

Dear Drizzy Drake,

First of all, I'm not a fan. Feel free to find something better to do than to respond to this letter. It won't bother me one bit. In fact, it's not an accident that there's no return address.

I've noticed that you may not be getting a fair shot. Maybe its because of Wayne, although personally, I've forgiven him for kissing a man & making the "homo hobo" look so popular. Maybe it's because you'll forever be known as "Wheelchair Jimmy". You know folks can be so unforgiving to the handicap. All uppity with their fancy chairs & special parking spaces & sh!t.

I have some advice for you, if you're willing to overlook the fact that I'm not a 13 year old white girl. I think I can help correct a few made missteps & prevent possible future ones.

Let's start with the (lack of) facial hair. I don't know how many uncles you have, but it only takes one to tell you that people don't trust a Black man without any. Even if he's only half Black. You don't need a full-lipped Eddie Murphy-esque nose tickler. You could just rock one of those drawn in Ginuwine joints. Mascara pencils do the job, in case you don't have enough testosterone to grow it yourself. I assume you can grow one, seeing as your about 32 years old. I'm sure "Young Money" wouldn't be so young if n!gg@s actually looked like they were to old to dry hump pre-teens though, so I understand.

Also, in todays rap climate, you need to be somewhat intimidating. At least a little. Since you've sided with Wayne, there's more than enough rappers to beef with. But I say, you not make it interesting? Slap the sh!t out of Kanye. Its not like he'll return the favor. You two could slap & scratch one another without any real damage being done. Or, if that's too close to home, Charles Hamilton needs some publicity also. Listen, if that broad cleaned his clock, even you should have no problem servicing his wrist watch. Tread lightly though, you're not the only rapper looking to get his ghetto pass reinstated. J-Hood's on a bender this year.

I realize that Obama made being a (moustache-less) halfer cool, but you're not a politician. You only got the "most popular" vote in High School because Canada's underwhelmed with a Black populus. & don't do anything silly, like grow braids or a 'fro. That will undoubtedly add to the amount of minstrelty that you already exude. Its hard out here for a beige n!gg@ trying to spit raps. Remember, when the kids see listen to you, you make them curious as to the euphoria of sex before one's ready. I though R. Kelly copyrighted that, though. But, when other rappers listen, trust, they smell cotton candy & lemon squares. It's mad alpha males looking for something to eat, holmes. Invest in a bodyguard for right now, because I doubt anyway fears Weezy OR Tyga.

Also, you may want to tone down the promiscuious songs. Or at least aim them towards adult females. At this juncture, you're basically a child molestation case waiting to pop. Its true. Once a picture of you with the 5 0'clock shadow leaks, being surrounded by a bunch of girls who just got their periods is not going to be so enticing. Unless, that is, its true that you're a pedophile. You'd better start asking for ID, mister. These 14 year olds be hot to trot nowadays. Touching kids stopped being okay when Nickolodeon didn't renew your contract.

& don't wear any more purple outfits. It makes you look like the biggest piece of Mystery Mix Now 'n' Later ever made. Too sweet for most cats. Unless, of course that's what you're into.

Hopefully, I've been of some sort of service. No need to thank me. Just don't try & have sex with my underage daughter, & we'll call it even, Steven. I mean Aubrey.

Easy.

Tony Grand$