Thursday, July 23, 2009


Everybody hates a DoucheBag.

If you don't, then that means you're one of them. Kind of like when fat people see other fat people, they sympathize with the constant perspiring & difficulty breathing, as opposed to making cow noises & throwing pieces of their snack at them. No matter what, they won't acknowledge the other one's obesity. Same goes for ugly people. In 33 years, I can't recall an ugmo telling me about someone else's lack of attractiveness. That would be like Wesley Snipes telling Don Cheadle he's blacker than a motherfucker. I'm never mad at unity, though. More power. Too bad us beige nigs don't have that. Since we went out of style in the 80's, its been every light-bright for himself. To this day, I hate Al B. Sure, Christopher Reid & Shemar Moore with a fiery, creole-colored passion [||].

For years, Hip Hop's unsung hero was the D-Boy (dope boy). In one hand, he has an 8 ball of that fairy dust, getting paid to turn your aunt into the living dead. Word to George A. Romero. With a piece of that same profit, he'll turn around & buy all the neighborhood kids a present for Christmas. I'm not sure that a Transformer is sufficient compensation for genocide, but I'm horrible at math, so what do I know?

Any rap fan loves a good story, & one with Robin Hood-like quality is almost as enjoyable as one about "gettin' some head in the back of the whip". Or, something to that effect. Even Raekwon, fresh out with a sequel to his 90's debut Only Built For Cuban Linx, is taking it back to Nino Brown status on his latest album, picking up where pre-penitentiary TI left off. Hustin', trappin', slangin', whatever you call it, cats dig a D-Boy ([||]?). But, that entrepreneurial attribute is being overshadowed by the new kid on the block. At a rate so alarming that even Young Jeezy's wearing his jeans a couple sizes smaller.

Enter the D-Bag (douchebag).

He's a sly one. Unassuming, somewhat quiet in his approach, almost appearing harmless (translation: gay), yet intent on having things his way. & now, the industry is being flooded by this character. His uniform is simple; acid-washed 28 slims, no boot cut, extra schmedium shirt, relentlessly uncombed faux-hawk, brightly colored plastic watch, & dozens of pointless tattoos in odd, ungangsta places on their person. More than likely, a variation of travelling stars, musical notes & words like "STRENGTH". I liken this to the Bohemian movement some years back, where everybody decided that looking homeless was what's up. The difference is, that was a mind state; peace on earth, love life & a bunch of other hippie bullshit innuendos that only sounded cool if you were high on Ex pills.

Douchebaggery, however, is a way of being. They stay high on emotion, like walking MENopause PSA's. & I blame Kanye West. Always have, always will. He's the epitome of douchevolution. He began telling anyone who'd lend him an ear that he was better than them at everything. Then, he decided he crowned himself King Bullshit, most noticeably in how he went from sporting Polo knits to designing leather cross-trainers with matching man-bags, between hoo-riding for Katrina victims & slapping up paparazzi. Not quite as dandy as Fonzworth Bentley, but equally as fruit-filled.

Now, as with the D-Boy, the D-Bag also has both hands full of something. One hand is filled with misguided idiocy, & the other is holding "feelings". The D-Bag's gift is emotion. Coincidentally, it's his curse as well. See, one thing Hip Hop has lost over the years is the ability to articulate feelings outside of "Fuck You!". Notice the lack of songs dedicated to someone special. Unless that "someone special" is a drunk chick at the club. I'm surprised cats haven't started making Rape Raps yet, but, that's neither here nor there.
Point is, we NEED the cats who aren't afraid to be different & express themselves. If only for the fact that they force us to check ourselves. DoucheBags have a strange way of making you appreciate stuff (besides pants that fit comfortably & staunch heterosexuality). Maybe it's because they're so hell bent on explaining everything. Or making a point when most folks would give up out of sheer laziness. DoucheBags are persistently annoying, but aren't your parents? See what I'm getting at?

I would love to see Spencer Pratt & Kanye West duke it out, UFC-style. Word to Spider Silva.

I declare June 23 Douche Day, worldwide. Asshole appreciation [||], per se. They're like the plankton of society. Bing "plankton" if you're confused.......


Curtis75Black said...

I guess when you talk about cats expressing their feelings, you mean from this generation of Hip Hop artists (If you choose to call them that ?). We always had emcee's with no issue expressing their feelings, personal or otherwise but it was being ignored and shoved to the 'Sellout' bag if it wasn't about the same old shit-homies dying, Mommies crying and missing fathers. It's like giving love to the sistas have always been taboo for a genre who always wanted to be portrayed as 'Hard','untouchable','relentless in his passion for the hustle' especially in the 90's. Give you props though Tony, you did your thing.

davey23 said...

Just curios, where the hell do dudes like Asher Roth fit in to all of this, or do we just ignore him and hope he goes away at this point?

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