A dog's life...

I don't think we give DMX enough credit. I mean sure, there are the rap puritans who give him a lifetime's worth of respect based off of his first two (2) albums. Then, there you have the artsy folk, who herald his acting skills as underrated diamonds in the rough. & let us not forget about the thousands of senior citizens who still find the time to lose their minds, "up in here", in between the Electric Slide & Cupid Shuffle marathons at the retirement home. Bad hearts & replaced hips don't stop no party. In the general sense of the phrase, niggas really can't fuck with the Dog...


Arf, arf.


But, commendations & accolades aside, DMX is most likely best known for his running stint as Hip Hop's dumbest criminal. His rap sheet is just as, if not more, entertaining as his rap records, & we have crack cocaine to thank for both sets of accomplishments. Understand, I know all too well how detrimental crack can be; I have a healthy handful of relatives whose feet haven't touched the proverbial asphalt since the late '80's, but damnit if Earl Simmons didn't make it shits & giggles for all parties involved.


At the end of this year he was scheduled to engage in a bout of fisticuffs with an actor named Eric Martinez, for "promotional" reasons. I touched on it last month [||]. I still have no idea who the dude is, but apparently Earl does, because as sure as he'll be arrested again before next summer, he pulled out of the match a week ago. When news of the fight first leaked in August, DMX's response was that he's not even training for the fight because "that wouldn't be fair". That's douche nozzle/base head rhetoric for, "I probably won't even show up...". & it's been reported that he'd received an advance for his appearance already, so obviously, the promoters have never seen a Tyrone Biggums skit.


Hip Hop fans love "friendly" competition, so undoubtedly even Dark Man's fans became bloodthirsty at the mention of seeing him in action. Action outside of fleeing from police at 130 MPH or being escorted away in handcuffs. No dice. Now he's saying he rather not "mess up" his face. Word? I try & stay away from getting to in depth about another man's looks, but Boris Khodjoe he ain't (I'm not sure how I feel about knowing how to spell that dude's name right). Not to mention, X is a rapper, & usually, the uglier you are, the more respect you get. Look at KRS-One--niggas call him 'The Teacher'.


I was looking forward to a post-prison X jumping back into the studio, doing what he does best, but let's face facts, his best may be behind him [insert requisite jail joke]. Now, he joins the ranks of D-list celebs who are forced to live life by performing on horrid reality shows & at charity events. Maybe we'll see him on 'Are you smarter than a fifth grader?', although I doubt that he is, so don't keep your fingers crossed. Lil Kim opened the flood gates by shining on 'Dancing With The Stars', so perhaps there's still hope. & then again, there's always Hip Hop, but unless he's ready to don tight pants & invent some ridiculous dance to accompany his idiotic dog noises, that may not pan out either.


The saying goes "no news is good news", so I guess as long as he's not murdering canines for (blood) sport & impersonating detectives at airports, that's a good thing. There's also the one thats says "idle hands are the devil's playthings", so let's hope he finds something somewhat productive before he's life really does become a Dave Chappelle skit. If America is learning to love Mike Vick again, I'm positive Earl Simmons can slide in under the radar.


[tony's note: him & michael vick could totally start a dog rehabilitation psycho-therapy franchise. everybody wins...]