Snickers vs. Twix

One of the main things I miss from my alcoholic days are the conversations I had with my fellow bottle huggers. Birds of a feather & what not. To a room full of sober people, a drunk dude is just rambling about pseudo-metaphysical aspects of life that equate to ambient jibber jabber. But, a gaggle of booze hounds, espousing about the wonders of the world, is a think tank unlike any other. How many things do you think were invented by some drunk ass guys just pontificating about nothing in particular. Like aluminum foil. That has "sloshed" written all over it. & the vacuum cleaner. You can't tell me liquor played no part in somebody thinking, "well, how 'bout we just suck it up?"


I'd always said I was going to videotape one of our clubhouse meetings, but then I'd get drunk & forget. The closest I've gotten to those caliber conversations post-addiction was in the breakroom at rehab. Really though, shit got hella heavy sometimes. Had the free coffee been caffeinated, it may have turned bloody once or twice.


Back to my couch.


Although debates over Halo or NBA Live were enthralling, all it took was for a chick to walk past the house, or even appear on the TV, & that became the day's topic of choice. Mainly, what's better, a skinny broad & a thickums? Again, drunkards tend to think outside the box, so needless to say, these exchanges often lasted until the wee hours of the morning. Or until my wife got home. Whichever came first.


Personally, I prefer a lady of the healthier persuasion. I've always equated girth with womanhood. Child bearing hips, ample, succulent breasts, a little arm fat, thighs that give the jeans something to hold on to, all scream "adult female." With a skinny chick, I'm always taken back to the days of elementary school, when the male/female physical attributes were about even. Pointy elbows, bird chests, flat asses, etc. Of course there was always the girl or two who'd developed early, but that anomaly was looked at as more freakshow, than freak show, if you smell my cologne. I believe women are works of art, regardless to specifications. But, when I see chicks who appear to have missed a meal, before I can admire their femininity, I have to get past the urge to offer them a cheese burger. Or a peanut butter sandwich. Where as, a skinny girl looks like she could use a meal, I know for a fact that not only will a thickums not go hungry, but she'll feed my yellow ass in the process. To my heart through my stomach, indeed.


When I say "skinny", I don't mean model anorexic. That's not skinny. Thats morbidly malnutritioned. Ain't shit natural about a woman weighing 97 lbs, unless she's 11 years old or Vietnamese. No shots. That's an eating disorder, or a disease waiting to put you in the earth, & either way, I'm not into bag ladies (word to Erykah Badu). I mean skinny, like "one-too-many-trips-to-the-gym-in-one-week" thin, which is not realistic in today's society of stress, fast food & busy lifestyles. Not being curvaceous & voluptuous doesn't take away from one's feminism, per se, it just doesn't appeal to me. & I consider myself an average joe.


It could be because of my family. The only skinny female relatives I have are that way because of drug addiction (pain pills & alcohol included). I grew up around the type of women who cooked, all the time. & if you appeared to be losing weight, before any of them would inquire about your health or sober status, they tried shoving a pot of gumbo & half a fried chicken down your gullet. I'll be the first to admit that this wasn't the healthiest situation, but what could I tell them that their diabetes medication hasn't already? I grew up under the impression that it was "normal" for a woman to have some meat on her bones, thus, that's what I've always been attracted to. I've even bypassed adorable skinny chicks in my days of chubby chasing, & knew exactly what I was doing.


& don't get me started on sex. That's kinda a no-brainer. Sure, I like a good Karma Sutra marathon like the next heterosexual male, but slim jim bonin' versus chubby lovin' might be one of the few times in life where it's quantity over quality. Cushion for the pushin', so to speak; the more of it, the merrier. I'm not an expert on skinny girl sex, but I'm pretty sure that a semi-exposed rib cage or spine protrusion wouldn't help my erection very much. But a cup that slightly runneth over? 'Nuff said.


Usually, by the end of our Snickers vs. Twix debates, it was a 50/50 split as to who preferred what. Which is probably the outcome in the real world as well. But I'll tell you what; the only season of 'America's Top Model' I ever watched was the one when Toccara won, & I think I voted for Jordan Sparks on 'American Idol', so, yeah.

Barack Obama Is Blacker Than Rod Blagojevich.

"I'm blacker than Barack Obama. I shined shoes. I grew up in a five-room apartment. My father had a little laundromat in a black community not far from where we lived, I saw it all growing up..."-Former Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich


"[Obama could be president because] he is light-skinned and has no Negro dialect, unless he wanted to have one."-Nevada Democrat Harry Reid


As soon as Barack Obama was sworn in as the 44th President of the United States, I predicted an undertone of racism, but not in a bad, per se. America is a country built on race-related opinions, thoughts, & actions as well. There's no denying that. As such, I believe most denizens of the country harbor small amounts of racism that seep into daily life. Not malicious, or harmful by any stretch. In fact, it's the exact thing that both of these men showed when they spoke about the POTUG.


First & foremost, I want to point out that Black isn't a country, anywhere on the planet. This is the reason "we" refer to ourselves as African-Americans. Only in America are we Black. Any other country, we're American. Odd, no? Personally, I'm an American, of African descent. Just saying.


In theory, Blacks are supposed to act a certain way. Sad, but true. No matter how sophisticated, or educated, we're expected to have a certain amount of shuck & jive in our step. Maybe it's a slower stroll, with a slight bop every third step, maybe it's replacing "Hi" with "What's up?", or the more archaic "What's Happenin'?", perhaps we're supposed to use all those phrases that have been ingrained into society's psyche, like "saaaay whaaaat?" or "get back, jack!", or maybe we're supposed to refer to each other as "home slice" & "cool breeze", kna'mean, my brutha? Not to mention the ability to rap & tap dance is a trait we inherit at birth, & should showcase those talents as often as possible. Maybe if President Obama busted a rhyme for the cameras at his inauguration, people would respect his blactivity a little more.


I've always been amused at the reasoning behind Bill Clinton being labeled our "first Black President". Why, because he ate at McDonalds-which targets lower class minority communities, plays a musical instrument for all to see, & has an affinity for sexual deviance? Sadly, yes, those are the reasons.


As a result of them being as woven into American culture as the scent of apple pie, stereotypes don't really bother me. & honestly, I don't think White people can jump or dance. & don't show me Larry Bird or Justin Timberlake, because I never saw Bird dunk, & Justin is an anomaly. Michael Jackson envy will do that to a person. As for Barry O. (a term I first heard from a White reporter...hmmm), he doesn't live up to the stereotypical requirements of being a Black man in America. Aside from the fact that his dad ran off, he's noticeably intelligent & articulate, which doesn't translate to traditional Black persona. What the hell ever. It's like, as a kid, my father was a stickler for proper grammar, my grandfather as well. So, I pronounced & enunciated as I was taught. But, to the kids who didn't have that responsibility, I was less than Black. Often teased. I knew better than to think I was "actin' White", but it did bother me from time to time. Not much though. I'm sure Barack feels the same way. It's like one of those back-handed compliments, like "Oh, she has a nice personality...", or "You're cute for a big girl."


I'd bet money that a fair percentage of voters voted for Barack because he is Black, but not in the "I have a dream" sense. More the, "Black people are cool" aesthetic. Those people are dumb, if that's the case. They must not have heard that gay is the new Black. & Middle-eastern is the new gay. They probably would've done well to watch some more television before they voted.


[tony's note: sorry, I couldn't think of any gay, middle-eastern dudes to use an example of who those type of toolbags should've voted for...]


America needs to take off the jiggaboo-tinted glasses they watch Barack through, really though. Let the record show that he is the quintessential Black man. An American of African descent, who assumes responsibility & takes charge, of his family & beyond. I may not agree with all his political actions, but like it or not, we voted for the man we thought would fufill his agreement. I, for one, believe that by the end of his tenure, he will have achieved & overcome many of his targeted areas. But, that's neither here nor there. I proudly claim that half of who (secretly) smokes Newports & loves to play basketball. For every story that the media circulates that illustrates "the Black man" in a negative light, there's 5 stories that shine light on Barack. Through the muck & mire of political warfare, there's a Black man who, with his wife & daughters by his side, stands tall, even after attempted character assassination. You can't put a color, or a race, on that type of resilience.


Hey Rod, don't you have some pressing legal issues to be more worried about? Just asking.